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My H has a lot of resentments-Vent
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 379637" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Okay for what it's worth.....? </p><p> </p><p>I'm actually WITH him on the puppy thing. In our house bringing another "child" into the fold is a HUGE, MAJOR, LIFE ALTERING decision that is going to in one way or another affect everyone. IF I vote NO on a new furkid, and get out-voted? You can bet your sweet kibble I am NOT N.O.T. and will stick by my guns just like your husband - going to help you if you are 'slightly inconvenienced', mildly inconvenienced, or HUGELY inconvenienced with time, effort or lack thereof with ANYTHING that the new kid has inflicted on YOU. YOU BETCHA. I am constantly amazed after volunteering in a shelter the number of people that sit there and tell me Daddy does NOT want a dog "but he'll come around." Um..NO. No he won't and this? This adoption is terminated. WHY - Because it causes conflict that THE DOG doesn't need. It's like saying - I'm going to do WHAT I WANT and eventually he will change his mind - so I'll push it and force him to do things he doesn't want because well ----he does it to me all the time with everything else in the house. The next thing you know? The dog is in the middle and then gets a new owner and the people haven't resolved their issues, and the puppy is starting over with a new family and new rules and the fear of WILL THEY like me? </p><p> </p><p>So now we're up to the forcing issues. I think maybe it would be time for you to take a step back and re-evaluate exactly what it is in your home that each of you is supposed to do. I think when people love each other and have been married as long as the two of you have been? A lot of times lines get blurred, and responsibilities are 'assumed' and it's like playing a game of Monopoly for 18 years, with someone as the banker - and someone as the realestate agent and everyone making up rules as they go and NO ONE reading the box top. The original rules - are under years of "well I'll do it because I love you, I can do it quicker, it's easier for you, blah blah blah' not to mention kids, life and resentment. </p><p> </p><p>Maybe sitting down with him and saying "Here, I want to draw clear, difinitive outline about where we are, and what your chores are, and what mine are and what OURS are - and maybe a schedule of things with goals for BOTH of you to work on together? </p><p> </p><p>I dunno but it beats walking around feeling resentment and Get your own blanket.......Personally I would have gotten that blanket but I'm not sayin' I would have laid it out on the bed. Muffled cries........(no no no lol) </p><p> </p><p>Anyway - it's just a thought. DF and I do this occasionally when we feel we are at odds with each other or one feels they have done too much. He's my best friend. I have no fear in going to him and saying "I'm doing the lions share of the work and I would appreciate it if we could sit down and work something out." Because if I DID have a fear of that? My relationship isn't worth having. That's not a relatiionship - that's a one sided support /dictatorship. been there done that got the divorce papers to prove that. (and the therapy that backs me up on - i would appreciate it if we could sit down and work something out) Know what I mean?? </p><p> </p><p>Hugs & Love </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 379637, member: 4964"] Okay for what it's worth.....? I'm actually WITH him on the puppy thing. In our house bringing another "child" into the fold is a HUGE, MAJOR, LIFE ALTERING decision that is going to in one way or another affect everyone. IF I vote NO on a new furkid, and get out-voted? You can bet your sweet kibble I am NOT N.O.T. and will stick by my guns just like your husband - going to help you if you are 'slightly inconvenienced', mildly inconvenienced, or HUGELY inconvenienced with time, effort or lack thereof with ANYTHING that the new kid has inflicted on YOU. YOU BETCHA. I am constantly amazed after volunteering in a shelter the number of people that sit there and tell me Daddy does NOT want a dog "but he'll come around." Um..NO. No he won't and this? This adoption is terminated. WHY - Because it causes conflict that THE DOG doesn't need. It's like saying - I'm going to do WHAT I WANT and eventually he will change his mind - so I'll push it and force him to do things he doesn't want because well ----he does it to me all the time with everything else in the house. The next thing you know? The dog is in the middle and then gets a new owner and the people haven't resolved their issues, and the puppy is starting over with a new family and new rules and the fear of WILL THEY like me? So now we're up to the forcing issues. I think maybe it would be time for you to take a step back and re-evaluate exactly what it is in your home that each of you is supposed to do. I think when people love each other and have been married as long as the two of you have been? A lot of times lines get blurred, and responsibilities are 'assumed' and it's like playing a game of Monopoly for 18 years, with someone as the banker - and someone as the realestate agent and everyone making up rules as they go and NO ONE reading the box top. The original rules - are under years of "well I'll do it because I love you, I can do it quicker, it's easier for you, blah blah blah' not to mention kids, life and resentment. Maybe sitting down with him and saying "Here, I want to draw clear, difinitive outline about where we are, and what your chores are, and what mine are and what OURS are - and maybe a schedule of things with goals for BOTH of you to work on together? I dunno but it beats walking around feeling resentment and Get your own blanket.......Personally I would have gotten that blanket but I'm not sayin' I would have laid it out on the bed. Muffled cries........(no no no lol) Anyway - it's just a thought. DF and I do this occasionally when we feel we are at odds with each other or one feels they have done too much. He's my best friend. I have no fear in going to him and saying "I'm doing the lions share of the work and I would appreciate it if we could sit down and work something out." Because if I DID have a fear of that? My relationship isn't worth having. That's not a relatiionship - that's a one sided support /dictatorship. been there done that got the divorce papers to prove that. (and the therapy that backs me up on - i would appreciate it if we could sit down and work something out) Know what I mean?? Hugs & Love Star [/QUOTE]
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