My H has a lot of resentments-Vent

[hearts and roses]

This morning I woke up feeling not so great, I feel rundown and tired most mornings, but this morning was special. I came out in my robe and ready to take the smallest puppy (easy child's) outside to do her business - it takes about 5 minutes tops. There was H sitting at the table and I asked him if he would please take her out for me and he said, "Nope" and went back to his paper. I begged a little and he adamantly refused. I have to say that I was really hurt. I know it seems like stupid thing, but I really felt crappy and it would have just been a nice thing for him to do for me. But he has principles. He refuses to walk or take pup out with the other two (our dogs) because she's not 'our' dog...H says that I "stupidly allowed easy child to bring her home and now she's" my problem. Okay, I can live with that I guess, but once in a blue moon, he can't just take her out to pee in the morning for me while I wake up?

Today I had to work late, so I called home and asked him to start dinner. We're eating dinner and he said something about the pup. I said, "Yeah, thanks for taking her out for me this morning - I felt like such ****", and he exploded. I mean he was yelling and ranting about how much he does, how hard he works, everything he's paid for in the house, and how sick and tired he is of being made to feel that he's a shlump. Hmmm. I calmly asked him why he was yelling, but he continued yelling and brought up stuff that we've needed to do for the past year and how I haven't done anything. Hmmmm, again.

First, let me start by saying that I do all the housework. Well, at least 95% of the housework. I do all the laundry. If H does any laundry, he picks out his clothing only. I do all the dishes...in the morning, at lunchtime when I run home during my only break for lunch to take the dogs out and again at dinner time - after making dinner. I make dinner 98% of the time. H makes dinner maybe 3-4 times a year, though he counts BBQ-ing, which as we all know, I do all the prep work - all he does is check to see when the meat is done. And I still do all the clean up. When he makes coffee in the morning, I thank him. And he leaves his cup and dish in the sink for me to clean up, along with all the crumbs on the counter. I do the vacuuming and mopping and dusting; I change the sheets on the bed, I clean the windows. I bathe the dogs. He will actually say sometimes, "The windows need to be cleaned"; but then not do it. Last night, he crawled into bed and said, "We need another blanket". I was already asleep and he woke me up so I said, "Yeah, go get one" but he didn't. He just went to sleep. So, IOW, he mentioned it so I would get the blanket. The tires on my car have been nuts and I stopped twice to check the air and fill them and every time, someone would immediately pull up and stand there staring at me while they waited. I left. I asked H if he would check them and use his air compressor to fill them and he just said, "No, go to Mobil". Thanks honey.

He complains that I do nothing to contribute to the addition either in effort of monitarily. He is resentful of that and so I feel that he, in turn, is refusing to do anything for me. At all.Let's talk about the addition. First of all, he asked for my input and when I gave it to him, he said, "No, we're doing it this way" (why ask me then?) - the more time consuming and expensive way, by the way. Next it's the money. He is annoyed that I don't give him any money towards. Well, it's about all I can do to stretch my check through the month and last year I had every intention of handing over a good portion of my bonus check, but as you may recall, I netted zero on my bonus check last year. I make decent money, but I also pay all the utilities in our home, plus my own bills. I don't have a stockpile of cash around. The addition was not my idea but if I had the money, I would gladly contribute. I do contribute in other ways, though they may not be huge. I will buy paint or small things for decorative. I buy the supplies for the pool, I also buy all the food for the house. It's not like I keep my money and squirrel it away or spend it frivolously! He put new gutters on the house earlier this week and said, "You owe me $350 for your half of the gutters". I just took the dogs to the groomers today and plunked out $145! I don't ask him for anything to help pay for their care. I nearly went bankrupt when Sophie was ill last year and he never paid for anything! I am so so so so so sick of this attitude. We don't even OWN this house. It's in his father's name, not ours. I think he's resentful of my going to school as well. He tells me not to fix dinner on those nights and then when we're in mixed company complains loudly that I don't cook every night. WTH? Then if I do cook something, he complains and says, "I wish you wouldn't bother cooking on school nights". I have news for him, the reason I cook on those nights is so I can eat when I get home at 9:30PM because I'm starved and don't have time to skarf something down beforehand!

I am just tired and I know he's tired and whatever. Just had to get that out. Thanks if you're still with me.

 

[barneysmom]

Hearts, I read it all the way through for you girl! My husband has many of the same complaints sometimes -- he doesn't seem to see the things I do, and sometimes will be obstinate about helping me if he thinks he's met his quota. Glad you posted. here for you, Jo

 

[tawnya]

Yep, I understand about picking out his own laundry, of course, then asking me to put them in the dryer.

He just told me tonight that I was stupid for taking the dogs out at night because someone might "jump" me. He sure doesn't do it. I guess they can just go on the floor?

And the mess in the kitchen? Blah.

He makes me so furious sometimes.

I hope you feel better tomorrow, Jo.

 

[hearts and roses]

Yep, I understand about picking out his own laundry, of course, then asking me to put them in the dryer.

He just told me tonight that I was stupid for taking the dogs out at night because someone might "jump" me. He sure doesn't do it. I guess they can just go on the floor?

Omg, first of all, I usually do ALL the laundry: sort, wash, dry, fold and I put ALL of it away. Even H's. I can't tell you of a time when he EVER put my laundry away. EVER. And he told me in his rant that if I didn't feel like taking the pup out, let her go on the floor. What?! He's insane.

It must have just been one of those days. For both of us.

 

[tawnya]

Mmmm hmmm...I had to ask him to put my ONE PAIR OF SOCKS in with "his" laundry. I don't even know where they ended up.

Of course, he's in bed because he's tired. OMG I feel like beating him in his sleep. (Just kidding, of course.)

He's perfected passive agressive to a T.

 

[DammitJanet]

Ok, I just have to ask...what is it with the male gender these days? Maybe its a moon phase or a some sort of age thing because I really thought that for a while I had a pretty decent guy. Not perfect by any means but he treated me pretty well. All of a sudden he seems to have had a complete personality change in the last couple of years. We fight more, he seems to expect way more out of me than I can possibly do, he criticizes me in a belittling way, claims it is all teasing, claims I am not as disabled as I know I am, says I take too much medication, etc. If I do push myself to do more around the house and cook a meal, he then criticizes the meal and says it isnt very good. Really makes me want to go to the trouble of cooking again! Of course, if I dont cook, that is a huge fight. All I hear about is how he works so hard, how I dont work, how lucky I am not to work, blah blah blah. That makes me cry because I would give anything to work again. It would be one thing if I was able to just go out and do things that were fun and this was a vacation but its not. I point blank asked him how he would like it if he didnt work but also couldnt go out and hunt and fish like he likes when he isnt working. If all he could do when he wasnt working was to sit at home or maybe go to the grocery store in a wheelchair. That wouldnt be so much fun now would it?

 

[hearts and roses]

Oh Janet, I hear you.

Just wanted to add that I don't keep a mental list in my head of what or how often I do things around here. I work full time and if I see something that needs doing, I just do it. If I need help, I ask for it. I have certain things that get done daily, weekly, monthly and quarterly...and I just do them. difficult child will help me out by cleaning the bathroom weekly (I do it monthly) and dusting. She does her own laundry but she doesn't cook meals - however, she will help with things like peeling potatoes and putting a salad together. She also cleans up after dinner if she's here.

I don't normally even complain about H not helping with regular household chores because he does do other things that I can't or refuse or hate doing, such as raking leaves/lawn, hooking up the filter, building an upstairs addition, siding the house, building a pool deck and porch, etc. Likewise, I know that H is bad at cleaning dishes, folding laundry and vacuuming or cleaning the house, gardening, pruning shrubs, planting trees, and maintaining the pool. He doesn't pay his bills on any kind of schedule that I can tell. I've often considered allowing him to handle all the bills and just give him money, but I can't do it. I pay my bills on a tight schedule so they are never late, never cross in the mail and never incur a late fee. I can't tell you how many times I hear H say that he paid a particular bill that I know was sitting on his desk for WEEKS and he's angry because he was charged a late fee - well, honey, it was late.

Also, at the start of the warmer weather, I chose to not have a garden so I could actually enjoy our yard and my summer. I made plans for both of us and for me with girlfriends. I had the best summer because I had a lot of experiences. H feels that instead of going away for long weekends or just chilling on the pool deck all weekend, I should have been painting, plucking, cleaning out the garage and recreating a new yard or something. I don't apologize for this - there will always be something to do and I'd rather paint something when the temps are cooler, like now, in the upcoming fall - not in the heat of July or August. H doesn't see this point at all and resents that I can get my weekly stuff done and then be FREE for the rest of the weekend. The man doesn't not know how to just be. To just sit and do nothing. Even when he would join me on the pool deck, within a short period of time, he would see something that needed getting done and make himself busy. He doesn't know how to relax. I watched my mom go go go growing up and it made her ill. It wasn't until she and my dad retired 3000 miles away from their kids did they learn how to enjoy life without always having something to do. I don't want to be like that.

I think we're both over worked and overwhelmed, especially at certain times of the year. We have fall/winter coming and I know there are things he wanted completed before the cold hit, such as getting the plumbing and electrical done upstairs because then he would be able to work up there over the winter so we could move up there in the Spring. I get it. But I simply don't have money or a way to make it happen. I love him and I wish I could win the lotto or something so he could finish this dream project of his...I know that in his head he's doing it for us, but for us, it feels like he's only doing it for him. Know what I mean??

Anyway, thank you for listening and commenting. It helps me to remember that I am certainly not alone.

 

[Star*]

Okay for what it's worth.....?

I'm actually WITH him on the puppy thing. In our house bringing another "child" into the fold is a HUGE, MAJOR, LIFE ALTERING decision that is going to in one way or another affect everyone. IF I vote NO on a new furkid, and get out-voted? You can bet your sweet kibble I am NOT N.O.T. and will stick by my guns just like your husband - going to help you if you are 'slightly inconvenienced', mildly inconvenienced, or HUGELY inconvenienced with time, effort or lack thereof with ANYTHING that the new kid has inflicted on YOU. YOU BETCHA. I am constantly amazed after volunteering in a shelter the number of people that sit there and tell me Daddy does NOT want a dog "but he'll come around." Um..NO. No he won't and this? This adoption is terminated. WHY - Because it causes conflict that THE DOG doesn't need. It's like saying - I'm going to do WHAT I WANT and eventually he will change his mind - so I'll push it and force him to do things he doesn't want because well ----he does it to me all the time with everything else in the house. The next thing you know? The dog is in the middle and then gets a new owner and the people haven't resolved their issues, and the puppy is starting over with a new family and new rules and the fear of WILL THEY like me?

So now we're up to the forcing issues. I think maybe it would be time for you to take a step back and re-evaluate exactly what it is in your home that each of you is supposed to do. I think when people love each other and have been married as long as the two of you have been? A lot of times lines get blurred, and responsibilities are 'assumed' and it's like playing a game of Monopoly for 18 years, with someone as the banker - and someone as the realestate agent and everyone making up rules as they go and NO ONE reading the box top. The original rules - are under years of "well I'll do it because I love you, I can do it quicker, it's easier for you, blah blah blah' not to mention kids, life and resentment.

Maybe sitting down with him and saying "Here, I want to draw clear, difinitive outline about where we are, and what your chores are, and what mine are and what OURS are - and maybe a schedule of things with goals for BOTH of you to work on together?

I dunno but it beats walking around feeling resentment and Get your own blanket.......Personally I would have gotten that blanket but I'm not sayin' I would have laid it out on the bed. Muffled cries........(no no no lol)

Anyway - it's just a thought. DF and I do this occasionally when we feel we are at odds with each other or one feels they have done too much. He's my best friend. I have no fear in going to him and saying "I'm doing the lions share of the work and I would appreciate it if we could sit down and work something out." Because if I DID have a fear of that? My relationship isn't worth having. That's not a relatiionship - that's a one sided support /dictatorship. been there done that got the divorce papers to prove that. (and the therapy that backs me up on - i would appreciate it if we could sit down and work something out) Know what I mean??

Hugs & Love
Star

 

[hearts and roses]

Oh Star, thanks for the laughs! After two years of living with us when easy child moved out the first and second time, the only alternative for her little pup Izzy would have been to put her up for adoption and H adamantly refused to do that - saying, "We can't give her away to another family!!!" but asking everyone and anyone if they wanted her. When one person said maybe he replied that we couldn't give her up because Sophie and Nala would miss her too much (not so in Nala's case, but Sophie would miss Izzy). So, you see, H was just as much involved in the keeping of the pup as I was...I, however, took on the caregiving when easy child stopped, which was well before she moved out...so I do see his point. But my feeling is that this is OUR home and WE should be just dealing with things as they come up and what's the big deal if sometimes one of us does more than the other - it all evens out in the end. I am not a tit4tat type of person.

For example, annoyed with him though I was, I made him a chocolate pear tart for tonight's dessert. I also am making tenderloin tips and grilled asparagus for dinner. I also did all our laundry, folded it and will put it away. I also cleaned the house so I don't have to do it tomorrow.

He didn't used to be like this. He didn't keep tabs on who was doing what and how many times, etc. I think it's part of his disease, alcoholism, I really do. He doesn't work any kind of program, so when he's stressed, which is often, it comes out as either depression or aggression. Because I am a busy woman with other interests, I don't typically get drawn into the drama, but maybe because I'm not feeling well (played hooky from work today!) and it may be getting close to that wonderful time of the month, I am sensitive and touchy - my feelings hurt more easily and well, I also get pretty PO'ed in lightening speed! Like I said, I think we're both tired and overwhelmed and maybe even a little frustrated. I am always pressed for time, he's always thinking about work.

Thanks for the idea about sitting down and talking - hahaha - no, really, it is a great idea, but H won't do it. And if I start, he will just start yelling again and tell me to move on. He's like that - he explodes and then 20 minutes later he behaves as if we should be all good - and if I'm still peaved, he gets mad that I am hanging onto it. Because he was able to get it all out...blah blah blah...I should know that and nevermind that it hurts my feelings. We've addressed this in counseling SEVERAL times and it's always the same thing. He agrees in counseling, but does it all over again at home. He's not always like this, in fact, most of the time, he's wonderful...yet, everyone once in a while, he gets his own version of PMS and it's not pretty.

Well, off to check my tart.

 

[Jena]

hi

i read thru all the way too. I gotta say i have the same problem with our dog because husband never wanted it, it's my dog etc. ahh whatever.

so i'm a total witch when i want to be. and i am not working right now so i do all the housework because that's kinda my job since he's doing the money end. that's our deal. yet he still cooks the two nights he's home and the night he comes home early he brings dinner in from the restaraunt.

id' stop doing it all. see that's me. i go crazy over that kind of junk. i'd leave his cup and plate in the sink all week long and let them stack up. i'd go so far as to get a seperate laundry basket for him and id never touch his clothes again. i'd stop doing all the things he says i dont' do. period that's it. and after a week or so when the place is trashed i'd call a meeting, outside the home on equal ground and i'd express to him how i am feeling ...... UNAPPRECIATED. and taken for granted.

clearly i should never be a marriage therapist. yet enough is enough you are right i read your list of what you do and personally i got exhausted. you are superwoman in the flesh.

 

[hearts and roses]

Jena, I have considered going on strike before and kinda sorta did years ago, when my girls were young, but in the end I can't take the disorder. Hahaha - H tells me I am obsessive about the floors - I vacuum twice a week and mop once. I don't think that's obsessive for a home with 3 adults and 3 dogs dragging in dirt everyday, do you? But I digress.

It is easier and nice for me if I see a dish in the sink to just clean it and get it out of the way. You see, our dishwasher died. difficult child will empty the dish drain and clean the dishes whenever I ask her to. However, she usually will not think of it on her own. H feels that if I don't do them, difficult child should do them. H's typical response whenever I ask him to do one simple household chore, such as clean dishes, fold the towels with me, take out the dog, or help prepare dinner is: "Where's difficult child?" IOW, she should do those things before I ask him. difficult child is rarely home and when she is, I incorporate her help. Lately, however, with the mono she's been physically exhausted and if she has worked all day and then is napping while I'm making dinner, I don't bother her. But she will help if I ask her to. She's very good about it, in fact. For instance today she knows she has to dust and clean the bathroom and do her laundry. Simple and I won't have to ask her twice.

Whatever about H - he's still annoying me this morning, it's been a wonderful 3 days. Thankfully, my nieces are coming up for the day so I can engage with them. Tomorrow I will go to the library to do my homework - just to get outta here and before I know it, Monday will be here! Talk about avoidance behavior! Hahahaha. This too shall pass.

 

[DammitJanet]

So Im not the only person with a dead dishwasher? LOL. Gosh I wish I had one, that would really make my life so much easier. I had a really good one, top of the line that I got at a scratch and dent sale, but back when Jamie's first girlfriend lived with us she simply didnt understand that just because it said you didnt need to scrape the plates that didnt mean you put bones and all in the friggen thing! She completely tore the thing up.

 

[nvts]

I am sooooo not the person to reply to this...basically except for the $$$'s issues, this is what destroyed my marriage - he sat on his butt and then stated opinions on what I was always doing wrong. I'm in an "I'd love to shoot him" mode so, let me simply state that I feel for you...I really, really do!

Beth