Ok- I am definitely no expert on successful marriages, so I can't even believe I have an idea about this, but here is my thought after reading some more of your posts: 1) I think you are both depressed and while you both want to get back to being a happy, active couple again, two people suffering from depression can't just hop in the sack and make all that turn around. Especially, if he "couldn't" perform a couple of times, then got worried over that, his worry alone about his ability to perform and the pressure you both have about why things are this way iss interfering.
2) You both want this to work out and you want intimacy back (I'daughter say he does too) but instead of jumping straight to the sex part, why not start with a lesser degree of intimate time together- like a date - with it understood that there will be no effort to go home and get physical, then maybe an over night trip to have some time in front of a fireplace with a glass of wine, for example, again with it understood that there will be nothing more physical. It almost sounds like when 2 people are trying so hard to conceeive a baby but can't- then they stop trying so hard and have more babies than they planned.
And I definitely think he needs time to talk to a therapist alone. Most men don't have/want groups like we have to throw out their insecurites, vents, pet peeves, etc, so they bottle it up. He needs a safe place to get some feedback for some things just like you do when you post here.