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my mother-long! rant! warning.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 599184" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Dixie, MWM and have given you good advice and wisdom........first of all I want to say that I'm sorry you didn't have the kind of nurturing, loving mom you deserved, every kid should have that, but sadly, that isn't the case. As we get older, (from my point of view, you're still a kid!!) you begin to understand that the family we grew up in often has nothing to do with who we become, as a matter of fact, sometimes, as in my case and perhaps yours, I am who I am in spite of my family. I have had to completely cut off most of my bio family because they are too toxic to be around. As I have gotten healthier, hanging out with them has become impossible. I had to make the choice to leave them behind, they became a casualty of my growth.</p><p></p><p>As you have grown and gotten healthier, this behavior of your mom's becomes more intolerable until you reach the point you are at, there is no changing her, as others have mentioned she is a difficult child too, you can't change her, so you must detach. Move on. Let go. Grieve that loss if you haven't already and move onto your real life, your authentic life. If you can, read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post, it applies to your mother too.</p><p></p><p>I get that feeling of being the only one who is responsible and trustworthy, that was my role too, the oldest of 5, with mentally ill parents and mentally ill siblings, Yikes, it was hard. First of all remove the toxic people. Second of all, get yourself help to let go of the hurts and angers. You are doing your best to help your husband and raise your kids and you're depressed, geez, that's a lot on your plate............you need some help. Right now. </p><p></p><p>Those around you, primarily your husband right there with you, can't step up to the plate to give you what you need, so you need to take action to make that happen for yourself. You are the elected care-giver, an assigned role in dysfunctional families, I was too...............the crappy news is that it's up to you to resign from that role, to do the work necessary to unload the freeloaders and get on with your life, but you can do it. You're half way there. </p><p></p><p>Anger hurts us, it's pent up inside, so go stomp around outside, go for a walk and with every single step, release the anger, hit pillows, scream with music on, go for a ride in the car and scream, get the anger out of your body. Likely after that, you will cry and that is another release. Your depression will likely lesson too if you can get some of that anger out, there are many theories that depression is anger turned inward, so jump up and down if you have to, get it out. I usually go for a run or a fast walk, it dissipates the anger. A trick I used that a therapist taught me was to put a phone book on the bed and to hit it as hard as you can with a bat or some big stick, she said that the physical release of the hitting motion releases the emotion from the body. Plus seeing the pages fly all around is oddly satisfying!! You have every reason to be as angry as you are, these folks are parasitic and suck the life force out of you. You're depleted and exhausted, you've cared for others at your own expense. Start right now taking care of you and making changes by detaching from your mother.</p><p></p><p>It's hard being the caregiver in an unhealthy family dynamic, it creates enablers, codependents, unhappy, depleted caring folks who are completely exhausted from filling the needs of others and not fulfilling our own needs. That's the way out Dixie, stop taking care of mom, do your best at home, but make sure DIXIE gets what she needs FIRST. With a needy husband and small children it's almost expected to deplete ourselves for them, but, DON'T DO IT, go do something you love, nourish yourself, love yourself, nurture yourself, get support for YOU. Go to a codependency 12 step support group if you can find one near you. TAKE CARE OF YOU!!! Sending you big hugs............</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 599184, member: 13542"] Dixie, MWM and have given you good advice and wisdom........first of all I want to say that I'm sorry you didn't have the kind of nurturing, loving mom you deserved, every kid should have that, but sadly, that isn't the case. As we get older, (from my point of view, you're still a kid!!) you begin to understand that the family we grew up in often has nothing to do with who we become, as a matter of fact, sometimes, as in my case and perhaps yours, I am who I am in spite of my family. I have had to completely cut off most of my bio family because they are too toxic to be around. As I have gotten healthier, hanging out with them has become impossible. I had to make the choice to leave them behind, they became a casualty of my growth. As you have grown and gotten healthier, this behavior of your mom's becomes more intolerable until you reach the point you are at, there is no changing her, as others have mentioned she is a difficult child too, you can't change her, so you must detach. Move on. Let go. Grieve that loss if you haven't already and move onto your real life, your authentic life. If you can, read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post, it applies to your mother too. I get that feeling of being the only one who is responsible and trustworthy, that was my role too, the oldest of 5, with mentally ill parents and mentally ill siblings, Yikes, it was hard. First of all remove the toxic people. Second of all, get yourself help to let go of the hurts and angers. You are doing your best to help your husband and raise your kids and you're depressed, geez, that's a lot on your plate............you need some help. Right now. Those around you, primarily your husband right there with you, can't step up to the plate to give you what you need, so you need to take action to make that happen for yourself. You are the elected care-giver, an assigned role in dysfunctional families, I was too...............the crappy news is that it's up to you to resign from that role, to do the work necessary to unload the freeloaders and get on with your life, but you can do it. You're half way there. Anger hurts us, it's pent up inside, so go stomp around outside, go for a walk and with every single step, release the anger, hit pillows, scream with music on, go for a ride in the car and scream, get the anger out of your body. Likely after that, you will cry and that is another release. Your depression will likely lesson too if you can get some of that anger out, there are many theories that depression is anger turned inward, so jump up and down if you have to, get it out. I usually go for a run or a fast walk, it dissipates the anger. A trick I used that a therapist taught me was to put a phone book on the bed and to hit it as hard as you can with a bat or some big stick, she said that the physical release of the hitting motion releases the emotion from the body. Plus seeing the pages fly all around is oddly satisfying!! You have every reason to be as angry as you are, these folks are parasitic and suck the life force out of you. You're depleted and exhausted, you've cared for others at your own expense. Start right now taking care of you and making changes by detaching from your mother. It's hard being the caregiver in an unhealthy family dynamic, it creates enablers, codependents, unhappy, depleted caring folks who are completely exhausted from filling the needs of others and not fulfilling our own needs. That's the way out Dixie, stop taking care of mom, do your best at home, but make sure DIXIE gets what she needs FIRST. With a needy husband and small children it's almost expected to deplete ourselves for them, but, DON'T DO IT, go do something you love, nourish yourself, love yourself, nurture yourself, get support for YOU. Go to a codependency 12 step support group if you can find one near you. TAKE CARE OF YOU!!! Sending you big hugs............ [/QUOTE]
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