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My only son.
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 648449" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I have adopted several kids. My baby adoptions worked out so well. My older kid adoptions did not. One left the family entirely when he grew up. The other only lasted three years in our home because of his extreme physical, emotional and sexual abuse to our youngest two kids who were too afraid of him to tell us about it. It's actually a long story, but irrelevant to your post.</p><p></p><p>The truth is, when we adopt older children who were maybe not cared for well in the womb and/or drug exposed before birth, then abused by bio. mom, then past from foster to foster, the children lose their ability to love and attach and if we try to love them they get angry and defiant and scared and act out. Many end up in jail (I think 80% of all in jail spent some time in foster care) and they do not develop normally. Since most therapists and even psychiatrists are not t hat well schooled about reactive attachment disorder, our troubled older adopted kids (and six is older) get diagnosed with all sorts of things except the core issue. I was told my one child's worker that 99% of kids in foster care have been sexually abused at some time before coming to us, which was certainly the case with one of our adopted older kids. He didn't remember it, but since he did it to the younger kids, and a lot, he obviously had experienced it but forgotten it.</p><p></p><p>It is common for older adopted children to act out criminally. We can not love their past away. Their brains develop quickly within the first three years and we aren't there to nurture them and give them a consistent caregiver. It's sad, but it seems to be the norm, at least in the adoptive parent group I've been in for over twenty years (my youngest adopted kid is now eighteen).Don't discount heredity either. Many adoptive moms were stunned when they finally met their children's birthparents...they swear, almost to a person, that the child they raised is more like the birthfamily they never even saw. Also, if bio. mom drank or used drugs during her pregnancy, that affects behavior too. It can cause varying degrees of brain damage and behavioral problems abound.</p><p></p><p>Since he is seventeen you may still be able to get him into a program and I hope it helps him. If it doesn't, just remember...none of this is your fault. It was going to be this way because he was so damaged before you ever got to show him about love, and by the time you did, he no longer trusted anybody.</p><p></p><p>As you try to heal your son, also be good to YOU and go on with your life. Your misery will not help your son and you deserve a good, happy life even if you beloved child is not doing well. You child sounds as dangerous as ours was...he probably should never live with you again. We frankly told CPS to take our dangerous child...he had sexually abused our two younger ones...we couldn't even look at him. We were done. We have never felt badly about that decision. He killed our dogs too and set little fires in front of the younger kids and told them he was the Devil and he'd burn the house down with all of us in it if they ever told "Mom" or "Dad" about what he does. We dissolved the adoption.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry you had to join us and hugs for your hurting heart.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 648449, member: 1550"] I have adopted several kids. My baby adoptions worked out so well. My older kid adoptions did not. One left the family entirely when he grew up. The other only lasted three years in our home because of his extreme physical, emotional and sexual abuse to our youngest two kids who were too afraid of him to tell us about it. It's actually a long story, but irrelevant to your post. The truth is, when we adopt older children who were maybe not cared for well in the womb and/or drug exposed before birth, then abused by bio. mom, then past from foster to foster, the children lose their ability to love and attach and if we try to love them they get angry and defiant and scared and act out. Many end up in jail (I think 80% of all in jail spent some time in foster care) and they do not develop normally. Since most therapists and even psychiatrists are not t hat well schooled about reactive attachment disorder, our troubled older adopted kids (and six is older) get diagnosed with all sorts of things except the core issue. I was told my one child's worker that 99% of kids in foster care have been sexually abused at some time before coming to us, which was certainly the case with one of our adopted older kids. He didn't remember it, but since he did it to the younger kids, and a lot, he obviously had experienced it but forgotten it. It is common for older adopted children to act out criminally. We can not love their past away. Their brains develop quickly within the first three years and we aren't there to nurture them and give them a consistent caregiver. It's sad, but it seems to be the norm, at least in the adoptive parent group I've been in for over twenty years (my youngest adopted kid is now eighteen).Don't discount heredity either. Many adoptive moms were stunned when they finally met their children's birthparents...they swear, almost to a person, that the child they raised is more like the birthfamily they never even saw. Also, if bio. mom drank or used drugs during her pregnancy, that affects behavior too. It can cause varying degrees of brain damage and behavioral problems abound. Since he is seventeen you may still be able to get him into a program and I hope it helps him. If it doesn't, just remember...none of this is your fault. It was going to be this way because he was so damaged before you ever got to show him about love, and by the time you did, he no longer trusted anybody. As you try to heal your son, also be good to YOU and go on with your life. Your misery will not help your son and you deserve a good, happy life even if you beloved child is not doing well. You child sounds as dangerous as ours was...he probably should never live with you again. We frankly told CPS to take our dangerous child...he had sexually abused our two younger ones...we couldn't even look at him. We were done. We have never felt badly about that decision. He killed our dogs too and set little fires in front of the younger kids and told them he was the Devil and he'd burn the house down with all of us in it if they ever told "Mom" or "Dad" about what he does. We dissolved the adoption. I am sorry you had to join us and hugs for your hurting heart. [/QUOTE]
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