my poor pitiful pearl whine for this week

[EStephens]

husband is going into an inpatient treatment for his seizures and some other things the VA thinks he needs. He will be gone for 3 months, but after 1 month he might be able to come home on weekends.

difficult child is about to lose his mind!! No matter how I try to show him that 3 months is not forever, he can't see it. We are getting his show hogs in this weekend and he has now decided that he doesn't wanna show because husband will be gone. ( lovely, the checks have already been cashed to pay for the hogs, he's gonna do it)
He has started acting out in school and I have had just the loveliest conversations with a few of his teachers. ( please read into my sarcasm). His grades are stellar, he just can't quit yelling out in class. Today he was answering true or false questions and kept hollering that f means fail and he did not want that on his paper. When he and I talked and I explained that his teacher wouldn't fail his paper because he had an f written on it, he got upset because she didn't explain it like that. She was of little help. When tried to explain that to her, she wouldn't even try to understand him. She said he just better be a better student tomorrow. (Insert dramatic eye roll!) I am exceptionally grateful that the principal sides with me in the fact that difficult child just thinks differently so when she sends difficult child to the office, he will sit and play with his box of goodies in the counselors office.

easy child middle kid and easy child little kid are sad about husband leaving, they are just more optimistic about life. (well easy child little kid is 3 so time really isn't her thing yet).
easy child little kid and I will have a birthday on Thursday and husband will miss it.

Any ideas in how to help difficult child cope?

 

[Liahona]

Is there anyway to get difficult child in a different class? I've found fighting the teachers attitude isn't a battle a parent can win. Or maybe get an aide who will deal with difficult child so the teacher doesn't have to. (Someone with more knowledge/attitude about autism.)

Have you tried the paper chain or the marking days off on the calendar? Or find a big event that is around the time husband will come home. As he looks forward to the big event he will remember that husband is coming home then. That is what I do with the baby. Baby is coming around Ann's b-day. Then we count off all the holidays/events that they know will happen between now and Ann's b-day when Baby will come soon. Halloween, difficult child 2's b-day, Ann's b-day, then the baby might come. When it gets to be a few days we do 'how many sleeps'. This is easier for them to understand than days.

 

[TeDo]

He's old enough to know that 3 months is a long time. He might also feel a little abandoned and fearing that 3 months will turn into forever. Do you know for sure that it will only be 3 months? You could maybe do a calendar "countdown" with him. difficult child 1 has huge abandonment issues and sometimes pushes me to "test" that I won't leave either. It's really hard sometimes even at his age. He KNOWS I'm not going anywhere but the fear over-rides that logic sometimes. Do these "stupid" teachers know that blurting is common for younger Aspies? Do they know that he will take EVERYTHING they say literally? I am glad you have the support of the principal at least. That might be someone you can talk to about how to educate these darned teachers more about Asperger's. How long is he usually sent to the office for? Have you asked for a Functional Behavior Assessment and a behavior plan so the teachers are "told" what to do when he blurts, etc? If it's covered in a behavior plan and they aren't following it, you need to call them on it. If you haven't done this yet, it's definitely time to do it. As for helping him cope, I don't know what else to suggest. Do you have a Big Brother program there or a military kids group? They might be of some help.

Sorry he (and you) are going through this. I really think his fear/anxiety about dad leaving is getting in the way. If he doesn't see a therapist of any kind, you might want to also check into that.

{{{{(((HUGS)))}}} to all of you.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Does husband have any contact with home at all? Like, can he phone at a certain time every day? Putting some sort of predictability into the situation might help if it can be done.

 

[DammitJanet]

I was going to suggest some form of combination of crossing off of a calendar and reward for decent behavior. Almost like an advent calendar type thing that all the kids could partake in. Each of them could have their own "Daddy Calendar" on which you place 90 (or the appropriate number of items) Make it a big calendar with the days of the week and attach each small item to the days. It can be something as small as a mini pack of M&M's or even a stick of gum. Maybe on one day, say a Friday or Saturday, it could be a little envelope with a stay up to watch a movie card. Or play a game with mom. Or phone call with dad. Just thinking out loud here. They have lots of packs of little toys at the dollar store that you could stick on the calendars. As the kid removes the item, they cross off that day with a big marker. When that month is done, you take it down. Pretty soon, you are down to just one calendar and the days are getting fewer and fewer.

I dont know, I used to use those advent calenders with mine at xmas when they were so hyped up at Xmas. Now I send them to the grands so they can use them. All they are is little doors with a tiny piece of candy inside when you open the door for the day as they count down to xmas eve.

 

[confuzzled]

is he clear on where your husband is going and what he's doing? i know he's 10, but he probably needs factual information to process the whole thing....it sounds like anxiety has kicked into high gear.

will it be possible to visit your husband in the hospital? if that is possible it might be easier to focus on that date than 3 months. it would also probably help immensely for your difficult child to *see* your husband, the hospital room, what happens there, etc. obviously it would be best if there wasnt some tramatic-looking scenario going on...hospitals can look scarier than then they are, but if yours if a factual processer it might help for a nurse to explain that this monitor is for, this tube is for, etc...provided husband is not too sick. (i know from experience that often hospital stays have a lot of downtime...husband sitting up in bed watching football or something might go a long way!)

if thats not possible maybe husband could skype or oovoo or something so difficult child can see with his own eyes that he's ok.

sometimes its hard for even easy child's to understand a lengthy hospital stay and the stress you undoubtly have (no matter how well you think you are hiding it--most difficult child's have some serious radar!)....little minds can run wild (heck, big minds can too!)

i'd personally also notify the school guidance dept since its a pretty big life change....maybe they have some kind of group in school for kids with ill parents. if nothing else, perhaps they can just keep a very close eye on him.

sorry you all have to go through this!

 

[EStephens]

I'll try to answer some questions.
difficult child changes classes 7 times a day. He only has this one teacher for an hour. There is a plan, she just isn't following it. The principal has spoken with her about it and she is the only teacher having a problem. We will have a 504 meeting within the next 3 weeks. They have just been a little slow on the meetings this year. The only way the school will supply him with an aide if he is in Special Education. If he is in Special Education, he will be learning on a computer and he will have very little social experience.
The teacher has been told that he has Aspergers but she does not know much about it except for what Wikipedia has to say about it. She is struggling with understanding that each child with Aspergers shows different signs.
Several of the teachers took an autism conference when they found out difficult child was coming up to middle school, she wasn't one of them.

The program that husband is going to is a 3 month program. He will have testing for his seizures and hopefully a diagnosis while he is going through the treatment program.

We have calendars set up with the dates husband gets to come home. difficult child just seems to be extremely gloom and doom lately. husband is his step dad. difficult child's birth father left us after easy child middle kid was born. difficult child and easy child middle kid were adopted by diagnosis and then a few years later he moved away. He is still a great dad when he is around, he just lives 4 hours away and has a new girlfriend who doesn't like kids, so he hasn't seen the boys in about 3 months. I think difficult child may have abandonment issues. Heck I do and I was just married to the idiots, they weren't my dad.

 

[EStephens]

We will be able to see husband on weekends, the hospital is about 3 hours away so it will mean 6 hours in a car.
And thanks for the support!
difficult child and I have talked about how it makes me sad that husband will be gone for 3 months and I will miss him and I might even be mad that he is so sick and can't be with us.
I hadn't thought to talk to his counselor. That is a fabulous idea!!

 

[TeDo]

We will have a 504 meeting within the next 3 weeks. They have just been a little slow on the meetings this year. The only way the school will supply him with an aide if he is in Special Education. If he is in Special Education, he will be learning on a computer and he will have very little social experience.

I would get the 504 changed to an IEP so it is enforceable. ASAP. With a 504 there is no way to FORCE her to follow it but with an IEP there are consequences. If the IEP says he gets a 1:1 aide to help with social skills, organization, coping strategies, etc even in only one class (hers), that is what he gets.

What kind of backward school is he in? Special Education is a set of services, not a class. If his IEP says he stays in regular classrooms with support, he stays in REGULAR classrooms with support. So everyone in that school with an IEP is tucked away in a room on a computer all day?

The teacher has been told that he has Aspergers but she does not know much about it except for what Wikipedia has to say about it. She is struggling with understanding that each child with Aspergers shows different signs. Several of the teachers took an autism conference when they found out difficult child was coming up to middle school, she wasn't one of them.

I would insist with the principal that she be sent to one. I don't care if it's a day she needs to take off to go or if she has to drive 4 hours to get there, it should be a requirement given how rigid she is! If nothing else, can you get "resource room" time during her class time where he goes there and does the same work but NOT in her room for her to damage his self-esteem. I would find a way around her ..... for his sake.

difficult child's birth father left us after easy child middle kid was born. difficult child and easy child middle kid were adopted by diagnosis and then a few years later he moved away. He is still a great dad when he is around, he just lives 4 hours away and has a new girlfriend who doesn't like kids, so he hasn't seen the boys in about 3 months. I think difficult child may have abandonment issues.

Chances are you're right. He's going to need some extra coddling (so to speak) and a LOT of reassuring that he IS going to come home. He's won't believe it until it happens. His "experience" says the opposite and he's stuck between what you are all telling him and what he "knows" is the truth.