my problem, not grave or scary

[helpangel]

Worrying about the future doesn't do anything but waste your time and energy thinking up solutions to problems that may never happen.

Great job on the laundry issue try to remember baby steps, if you try to do a complete about face change in your relationship with your daughter neither one of you are going to be comfortable with that change.

I know how hard it is as a mom to not just jump in and fix all their problems for them, but if we do they can't grow and learn how to function independent of us. Only offer help when it is actually needed and what you are comfortable with.

Thanks for the update it sounds like you and your daughter have grown a lot in the few weeks since you first came here.

Nancy

 

[BusynMember]

I think counseling FOR YOU would help you a lot.

Your daughter is over 30 and left for seven years. That doesn't sound like depression to me, as one who suffers from it. I would have been too lethargic and sad to want to travel all over the country while depressed.Doesn't ring true as the cause to me. Drugs, yes. Depression, not so much. Those who READ about depression see that it can cause little motivation and often think "He's depressed!" But it is so much more than that. Usually you do not want to do anything, and that includes not wanting to traipse around the world with a boyfriend for seven years. So I don't know why your daughter won't work, but I won't blame it on depression.

It is good if she gets a job. Do you have proof she is trying hard? Usually you have to apply online so it's easy to check up and see. I am not you, but personally I let my kids make their own money, including my difficult children, and trust me they all got jobs. None of them liked being broke. How long are you going to give her money? Why get paid for trying to get a job? in my opinion only she'll try harder to find one if she isn't getting money from you. What does she use it for? Do you know?

I've been to many, many and mucho even psychiatrists and psychologists who specialize in mood disorders and ALL of them say that you have to force yourself to be active to get better, even with medication. That includes exercise and socializing and I am shy and had to force it. Laying around the house with no goals and no interests will make the depression worse. If you do things for her that she can do herself, like cooking and washing her dishes and clothing, those are activities that would make her get off the couch and be active and the more active you are, the more the depression goes away. So if she is depressed, coddling to it is unhelpful and will only make it worse.

I still think drugs are a part of her life. Maybe a bad drug reaction caused something to snap in her.

There is NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING you can do to make an adult get help. In the US, you can't even make the appointment. The person has to make the appoinmtment. I tried making appointments for my son and they said he had to do it himself. And they asked all sorts of insurance questions that I would not and could not know. so she will have to be the one to take the step. You can go with her if you think THAT will help, but they won't let you in with her unless she agrees.

In the end, the person herself, especially an adult approaching middle age, has to take control of her issues, which you are not sure about. Since you don't know what went on for seven years, she needs to trust her therapist to spill the beans...all of them...and with medication and the right treatment, if she is motivated to do so, she can live a much better life. But mommy love won't do it...in fact, although we don't mean to, we can actually hurt them if we do the things that they can do themselves.

Good luck and hugs for your hurting mommy heart.

 

[Landshark]

Agree with much of what you are saying Midwest Mom and I do appreciate the input. Not trying to defend any of my actions...I am not giving her money directly. I have been paying one of the utility bills since April and I provide groceries although nothing extravagant. Prior to April she had not asked for any help from me. She moved out of the house about four years ago and was employed for almost three of those years. It was only telemarketing but it paid the bills. During that time that she was employed her live in boyfriend was not. When the company she worked for shut down, then he found a job albeit part time. Since January my daughter and her boyfriend were fighting, unknown to me. He finally left a few weeks ago. The bills had piled up and yes, I believe depression was my daughters biggest issue. Probably always has been.
A couple of other family members have paid a couple of bills but not nearly as much as one might be thinking.
As to the 7 years she was missing, she has told me some. Lots of partying but also maintaining an apartment for a few years. Then about half way through those 7 years she acquired an older boyfriend and they moved across country. That's when it really got bad, homeless at times and I'm sure other awful stuff like you often reference.
Yes, she told me this stuff so it could all be lies. I do get that.

And just as you mentioned, she has been active in the last couple of weeks, lots of walking and bike riding. She cannot drive, you see, so she is limited by our pitiful mass transit system. I have driven her to several interviews but she has a spotty work history and isn't the blonde Barbie type that is prevalent here. She started working at age 16 and has had several jobs which she has always lost. Employers cited her attitude mostly and those are her words.

I don't know how long I can and I will want to support her, i.e. Rent. Not long, but I also can't see putting her out on the streets. I don't expect anyone to think I'm not seeing her through rose colored glasses, but I do think she is trying, I do think she is making improvements. I do think I ignored signs the last year or so that she was in emotional trouble.
I appreciate this forum listening to me, a faceless group that let's me type for therapy. Just knowing I'm not the only Mom of a kid who isn't a success, who doesn't have a career, who has made some awful choices.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Landshark, welcome back. It appears as if your daughter is making attempts to improve, and you are making choices about your own boundaries. I think all of us here want to help our adult kids, and we are all in varying stages in our detachment stories as we move through all of these mine fields. It 'ain't' easy!

You may have already done this, but if you haven't it may be helpful for you to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. Also, a good book, if you are so inclined, is Codependent no More by Melodie Beattie. It's a tough call to figure out the questions you pose, how long do you help financially ............how do you stop worrying..............for me, I sought help, professional help in the form of a therapist and a therapist run support group, along with quite a few other tools. I also contacted NAMI, which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness. You can access them online and they seem to have chapters everywhere. They have excellent parent courses which will be wonderfully supportive for you as well as offer both you and your daughter resources. You can also attend CoDa groups. The more support you give to yourself, the easier this path becomes. With support you can find your own answers and feel good about your choices.

I recall one of the therapist saying to us that the difference between loving kindness and enabling is that loving kindness feels good and enabling feels bad. With enabling there is usually resentment. I found that to be helpful. It sounds as if you are feeling good about helping your daughter. When I am helping my daughter, I feel good too. It's the enabling part that doesn't feel good. Another thing we were told a lot when we asked how long this would take, is "you get there when you get there." It's a process of letting go. If you are a controller, as you mentioned, then it takes us awhile to let go, to surrender and to allow the process we're in to evolve without us stepping in time and again to "fix it."

Our kids, for whatever reason, are wired very differently. It takes us time to accept that and to begin to respond differently to them and to their circumstances. As we do respond differently, we also find our own sense of solace and peace of mind. It's quite the process.

Hang in there and keep posting, it helps.