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My radar is up - nervous
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 179583" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Dear Super Squirrel, </p><p> </p><p>After years and YEARS of being with someone who was defeitful, manipulating, self-serving and a player - it was very hard for me to have a good healthy relationship with an honest, forthright, doting, love who really wanted to have a relationship with me. Therapy was a life saver for me. </p><p> </p><p>I refuse to live with someone I can't trust. This is why Dude is not in the home. But over the years I have learned that my gut instinct is based on my life experiences and how I have reacted to dishonesty in the past. </p><p> </p><p>Are you over reacting? (shrug) don't know. Do you have a right to be suspicious of his actions? Based on past performance and the "I dont' love you now" comment? Sure. (loved the part about tell me when to flinch must borrow that) But does that mean that he's doing it again? Not necessarily. </p><p> </p><p>But having suspicions based on being pregnant or hormonal? Nah. Wanting a peanut butter cookie dunked in mayo? Yeah that sounds hormonal. But not being suspicious of someone who has breached your trust before. But like Jo said - you really need to get this out of your system. She makes an excellent point in, if you have no trust you have nothing. </p><p> </p><p>So do you trust him? I think you want to, it sure is EASIER on a woman to trust a man that's betrayed her, because not trusting him get's you back to wondering, feeling uneasy and stressed out. However I don't think you do trust him and have unresolved issues that are spilling over into this similar scenario. </p><p> </p><p>At this point I think with a 4th child on the way your question isnt' should I confront him? For me it would be WHY don't I trust you? You trust him enough to have a child with him, but not enough to live with him? See? That's the part that is hinkey to me. So what if..........</p><p> </p><p>Instead of telling him I don't trust you flat out - you tell him that you'd like to start seeing a couples therapist to work on your relationship. You don't have to tell HIM you dont' trust him, you can tell that in therapy and work on it together with a therapist. </p><p> </p><p>I think you SHOULD be able to walk up to him and say "Sit down, I have something that is bugging me and I want to talk to you about it." and when you have said your peace??? He SINCERELY looks at you and says "You have no worries, here I'll show you." and then tells you who, what where. But I don't think you have that at this point OR you wouldnt' be telling us - you'd be talking to him. So there IS a breach of trust, with unresolved anger. </p><p> </p><p>If you were to go to him now and tell him how you feel, and DID NOT get the reaction you were looking for THAT is only going to a.) make him a better liar and he'll start hiding stuff better if he does have something to hide or b.) **** him off that you STILL do not trust him and haven't gotten over something that maybe HE felt WAS resolved, and now he has to look at you as if he's living with a woman that doesn't trust him. </p><p> </p><p>Either way you slice it kid - you have trust issues. So my thought before you go fully armored, charging in with accusations or even questions of doubt - maybe it would be better to settle the issue of trust first, and in the mean time keep your eyes open. </p><p> </p><p>In the end I hope he committs to doing a couples therapy and hey - COME ON - you are going to be parents of FOUR children - you are really going to need a brush up on your communications skills, your ALONE time skills, and appreciation skills. </p><p> </p><p>But I swear if he's being a two timing squirrel? I think I'll hop a plane to NY and his acorns won't be the only thing he'll be missing. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs - isn't pregnancy wonderful?????? HOW IS MY LITTLE NEICE??? Coocy coochy coooooo.....AUNTI STAR WUVES HER>>>>>YES SHE DOES, YESSSS SHE DOES!!!! (Ask anyone I'm already over the edge I'm just yodeling to be heard) </p><p> </p><p>S</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 179583, member: 4964"] Dear Super Squirrel, After years and YEARS of being with someone who was defeitful, manipulating, self-serving and a player - it was very hard for me to have a good healthy relationship with an honest, forthright, doting, love who really wanted to have a relationship with me. Therapy was a life saver for me. I refuse to live with someone I can't trust. This is why Dude is not in the home. But over the years I have learned that my gut instinct is based on my life experiences and how I have reacted to dishonesty in the past. Are you over reacting? (shrug) don't know. Do you have a right to be suspicious of his actions? Based on past performance and the "I dont' love you now" comment? Sure. (loved the part about tell me when to flinch must borrow that) But does that mean that he's doing it again? Not necessarily. But having suspicions based on being pregnant or hormonal? Nah. Wanting a peanut butter cookie dunked in mayo? Yeah that sounds hormonal. But not being suspicious of someone who has breached your trust before. But like Jo said - you really need to get this out of your system. She makes an excellent point in, if you have no trust you have nothing. So do you trust him? I think you want to, it sure is EASIER on a woman to trust a man that's betrayed her, because not trusting him get's you back to wondering, feeling uneasy and stressed out. However I don't think you do trust him and have unresolved issues that are spilling over into this similar scenario. At this point I think with a 4th child on the way your question isnt' should I confront him? For me it would be WHY don't I trust you? You trust him enough to have a child with him, but not enough to live with him? See? That's the part that is hinkey to me. So what if.......... Instead of telling him I don't trust you flat out - you tell him that you'd like to start seeing a couples therapist to work on your relationship. You don't have to tell HIM you dont' trust him, you can tell that in therapy and work on it together with a therapist. I think you SHOULD be able to walk up to him and say "Sit down, I have something that is bugging me and I want to talk to you about it." and when you have said your peace??? He SINCERELY looks at you and says "You have no worries, here I'll show you." and then tells you who, what where. But I don't think you have that at this point OR you wouldnt' be telling us - you'd be talking to him. So there IS a breach of trust, with unresolved anger. If you were to go to him now and tell him how you feel, and DID NOT get the reaction you were looking for THAT is only going to a.) make him a better liar and he'll start hiding stuff better if he does have something to hide or b.) **** him off that you STILL do not trust him and haven't gotten over something that maybe HE felt WAS resolved, and now he has to look at you as if he's living with a woman that doesn't trust him. Either way you slice it kid - you have trust issues. So my thought before you go fully armored, charging in with accusations or even questions of doubt - maybe it would be better to settle the issue of trust first, and in the mean time keep your eyes open. In the end I hope he committs to doing a couples therapy and hey - COME ON - you are going to be parents of FOUR children - you are really going to need a brush up on your communications skills, your ALONE time skills, and appreciation skills. But I swear if he's being a two timing squirrel? I think I'll hop a plane to NY and his acorns won't be the only thing he'll be missing. Hugs - isn't pregnancy wonderful?????? HOW IS MY LITTLE NEICE??? Coocy coochy coooooo.....AUNTI STAR WUVES HER>>>>>YES SHE DOES, YESSSS SHE DOES!!!! (Ask anyone I'm already over the edge I'm just yodeling to be heard) S [/QUOTE]
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