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Substance Abuse
My son relapsed....
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 694016" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>This is hard, RN, hard to find a balance between loving our d cs and understanding the disease, getting to a place where what's happening with them <em>does not affect us so.</em> Love and support, well yes, we love them and will support efforts towards sobriety, not their <em>lifestyle</em>.</p><p></p><p> We all have no choice, it is the all encompassing "It is what it is". On this journey, we have to find ways to cope with the loss, to grieve, to be angry, to pull away when we need to, to protect our hearts. The lifestyle and choices are unacceptable. The results are unacceptable. The end of the story is not yet written, but still it is all painfully there for us to deal with and try to carry on as best we can. I would be interested to know what suggestions your therapist would have to help you "accept" this. Has she had to deal with this herself? What is her definition of <em>acceptance?</em></p><p> Oh how I can relate to this. It is always there, looming in the background. What if you use your time in between sessions to write down questions you have for your therapist? Get some answers on how you go about living your life with the constant software running?</p><p>It is harder than losing a loved one, hubs passed and how I miss him so, but there is a <em>finality</em> to it. That sounds callous, but it is true. There is nothing I can do to bring him back. I have to deal with it, and carry on with my life.</p><p>With this, there is that never ending fear and agony that something dreadful may happen. It is like disaster preparedness ramped up to an infinity degree. Like sending our d cs off to war, but the battle they wage is within themselves and the elements they surround themselves with.</p><p>So, I have to keep reminding myself that I have no control over their choices. Reflecting on the Viktor Frankl talk helps tremendously. That all of us have a spark within us, a purpose we are seeking. So, instead of the negative software running constantly, I have to change it to the positive possibilities. Easy to write, hard to do because I think as mothers, we project the worst possible outcome, to "prepare" ourselves in case it happens. But, it is hard to live like that, with fear, pain, anxiety. It eats our insides up. So what if you were to change the tape and say, "Son you have been given a second chance at life, I know that you can do this." <em>Turn it around.</em> </p><p>It is the Dr Seuss book "Oh the Places You'll Go!" Yah, we sure as heck didn't expect our kids to go there.......but it is still on the way to <em>something.</em> </p><p>Hopefully, something much, much better, and I know RN, you and your husband gave your son the life lessons, values and instilled the skills for him to be successful. </p><p>Sorry if I am in Pollyanna overdrive today, but I am tired of living with the constant software and negative imagery, <em>it is not living</em>. So yes, what I <em>want for my two</em>, may not happen in the timeframe I wish, yes they have to want it, but, I can still project it in my mind and how I speak with them. </p><p>RN, I am writing this to myself as much as I am to you. To remind myself that living with constant dread and fear is <em>unacceptable</em>. I will try to keep reminding myself that we did the best job we could in raising our two and that they have that to fall back on. </p><p>I will watch the Viktor Frankl Ted talk again. Here it is........</p><p>[MEDIA=youtube]fD1512_XJEw[/MEDIA]</p><p>I am going to work on "overestimating" my two. Thank you for sharing, your thoughts have stirred up these thoughts of dealing with the issues of my grief for my two. </p><p>I think it is fine to <em>not accept </em>the choices our d cs make.</p><p> Because we know they are capable of so much more.</p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 694016, member: 19522"] This is hard, RN, hard to find a balance between loving our d cs and understanding the disease, getting to a place where what's happening with them [I]does not affect us so.[/I] Love and support, well yes, we love them and will support efforts towards sobriety, not their [I]lifestyle[/I]. We all have no choice, it is the all encompassing "It is what it is". On this journey, we have to find ways to cope with the loss, to grieve, to be angry, to pull away when we need to, to protect our hearts. The lifestyle and choices are unacceptable. The results are unacceptable. The end of the story is not yet written, but still it is all painfully there for us to deal with and try to carry on as best we can. I would be interested to know what suggestions your therapist would have to help you "accept" this. Has she had to deal with this herself? What is her definition of [I]acceptance?[/I] Oh how I can relate to this. It is always there, looming in the background. What if you use your time in between sessions to write down questions you have for your therapist? Get some answers on how you go about living your life with the constant software running? It is harder than losing a loved one, hubs passed and how I miss him so, but there is a [I]finality[/I] to it. That sounds callous, but it is true. There is nothing I can do to bring him back. I have to deal with it, and carry on with my life. With this, there is that never ending fear and agony that something dreadful may happen. It is like disaster preparedness ramped up to an infinity degree. Like sending our d cs off to war, but the battle they wage is within themselves and the elements they surround themselves with. So, I have to keep reminding myself that I have no control over their choices. Reflecting on the Viktor Frankl talk helps tremendously. That all of us have a spark within us, a purpose we are seeking. So, instead of the negative software running constantly, I have to change it to the positive possibilities. Easy to write, hard to do because I think as mothers, we project the worst possible outcome, to "prepare" ourselves in case it happens. But, it is hard to live like that, with fear, pain, anxiety. It eats our insides up. So what if you were to change the tape and say, "Son you have been given a second chance at life, I know that you can do this." [I]Turn it around.[/I] It is the Dr Seuss book "Oh the Places You'll Go!" Yah, we sure as heck didn't expect our kids to go there.......but it is still on the way to [I]something.[/I] Hopefully, something much, much better, and I know RN, you and your husband gave your son the life lessons, values and instilled the skills for him to be successful. Sorry if I am in Pollyanna overdrive today, but I am tired of living with the constant software and negative imagery, [I]it is not living[/I]. So yes, what I [I]want for my two[/I], may not happen in the timeframe I wish, yes they have to want it, but, I can still project it in my mind and how I speak with them. RN, I am writing this to myself as much as I am to you. To remind myself that living with constant dread and fear is [I]unacceptable[/I]. I will try to keep reminding myself that we did the best job we could in raising our two and that they have that to fall back on. I will watch the Viktor Frankl Ted talk again. Here it is........ [MEDIA=youtube]fD1512_XJEw[/MEDIA] I am going to work on "overestimating" my two. Thank you for sharing, your thoughts have stirred up these thoughts of dealing with the issues of my grief for my two. I think it is fine to [I]not accept [/I]the choices our d cs make. Because we know they are capable of so much more. (((HUGS))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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