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Substance Abuse
My son relapsed....
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 694337" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I have known women like her. I worked in the women's prison too which is near me.</p><p></p><p>Honestly, I do not understand life. I do not know why kind and good people like her are not strong enough to withstand real life. There is such meanness and smallness I see all around me. Prisons contain so many good and kind people. Honestly, will saying it again, make it any clearer? I do not understathingsnd life. Or is it this society that I do not understand that seems to value so many of the wrong , so that we turn away from each other in fear--or towards that which destroys us.</p><p>This man I am thinking of is such a good man. For him, I think it was the mental illness first. It makes him so hard on himself.</p><p></p><p>He was tortured because he worried when he was arrested that his dog was put to sleep. And when his wife died, he worried because in his fear he dropped the phone. He wondered if she would forgive him. He wonders if he reassured her enough that it did not matter if she was older than he.</p><p></p><p>I tell him how lucky she was (and the dog too) to have had his love. He believes me for that day. He tells me he will try to remember what I say, but I doubt he can. He is just not tough enough to keep the hurt away.</p><p></p><p>You know my Dad was a wasted soul. But he was mean. His heart withered and became cold. Maybe that is why I am drawn to these people. Whether it is penance or self-blame that my love could not be enough for my father (or my mother) to be whole.</p><p></p><p>Sister's Keeper, your sister and her/your children are so blessed to have you. What you are doing for her must make her life bearable. I am so glad for her that she makes that meaning in her life in those periods of sobriety. I really think that is so much more than so many people outside of prison have. The impetus to give and to care. She must be a wonderful person. And you too.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry I caused you hurt. It hurts me too.</p><p>Sister's Keeper. I do not think it is about deserve. I think it is about some combination of lack of strength, and pain. She is at her strongest and best when she is in prison. Some people recognize that and that is why they return.</p><p></p><p>I am questioning why I return. So many things make me feel happy and nourished. I am wondering too why I deny myself and force myself to go back where I suffer and am degraded. While I care deeply about the prisoners, for the 20 years off and on I have done that work I have been mistreated by staff. It is not that they pick on me--but I think I must be to some extent like your sister. They hurt me because they know they can. And I let it happen. I hope this is the last time.</p><p></p><p>For my whole adult life I too have felt I did not deserve much. You see, some people can chase success and achievement because they feel not good enough and I am one of those. If I only get that title or go there or do this it will make me worthy.</p><p></p><p>That your sister uses drugs is a bad thing for her and for her children and for her family. But it is not the only way that people try to chase away their pain and their lack.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 694337, member: 18958"] I have known women like her. I worked in the women's prison too which is near me. Honestly, I do not understand life. I do not know why kind and good people like her are not strong enough to withstand real life. There is such meanness and smallness I see all around me. Prisons contain so many good and kind people. Honestly, will saying it again, make it any clearer? I do not understathingsnd life. Or is it this society that I do not understand that seems to value so many of the wrong , so that we turn away from each other in fear--or towards that which destroys us. This man I am thinking of is such a good man. For him, I think it was the mental illness first. It makes him so hard on himself. He was tortured because he worried when he was arrested that his dog was put to sleep. And when his wife died, he worried because in his fear he dropped the phone. He wondered if she would forgive him. He wonders if he reassured her enough that it did not matter if she was older than he. I tell him how lucky she was (and the dog too) to have had his love. He believes me for that day. He tells me he will try to remember what I say, but I doubt he can. He is just not tough enough to keep the hurt away. You know my Dad was a wasted soul. But he was mean. His heart withered and became cold. Maybe that is why I am drawn to these people. Whether it is penance or self-blame that my love could not be enough for my father (or my mother) to be whole. Sister's Keeper, your sister and her/your children are so blessed to have you. What you are doing for her must make her life bearable. I am so glad for her that she makes that meaning in her life in those periods of sobriety. I really think that is so much more than so many people outside of prison have. The impetus to give and to care. She must be a wonderful person. And you too. I am sorry I caused you hurt. It hurts me too. Sister's Keeper. I do not think it is about deserve. I think it is about some combination of lack of strength, and pain. She is at her strongest and best when she is in prison. Some people recognize that and that is why they return. I am questioning why I return. So many things make me feel happy and nourished. I am wondering too why I deny myself and force myself to go back where I suffer and am degraded. While I care deeply about the prisoners, for the 20 years off and on I have done that work I have been mistreated by staff. It is not that they pick on me--but I think I must be to some extent like your sister. They hurt me because they know they can. And I let it happen. I hope this is the last time. For my whole adult life I too have felt I did not deserve much. You see, some people can chase success and achievement because they feel not good enough and I am one of those. If I only get that title or go there or do this it will make me worthy. That your sister uses drugs is a bad thing for her and for her children and for her family. But it is not the only way that people try to chase away their pain and their lack. [/QUOTE]
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