Aud, my son is in jail right now for the 8th or 9th time (I've lost count). You are in the dark night of the soul where you don't know what to do or where to turn.
Thoughts for you to consider:
1. Find a 12-step meeting for yourself---Al-Anon, Families Anonymous, Codependents Anonymous. It doesn't matter. Start going to meetings and keep on going. At one point I was going to a meeting every day. I was nearly insane with the fear and pain and despair and not knowing what in the world to do. Those meetings helped me. They will help you if you will go with an open mind.
2. Write down your thoughts every day. Spill it all out as fast as you can write. It will help.
3. Read positive things like Al-Anon literature---there is a ton of it online and it is free. There are also Al-Anon podcasts that you can listen to for free via ITunes.
4. Google and read everything you can on detachment. You must detach from both of your children and what they do and don't do. Only they are responsible for their actions. Not you. It doesn't matter what you did or didn't do in the past. They are adults now. They must learn how to live their own lives and take care of themselves. We are all wounded, Aud. None of our childhoods were perfect but we have to live lives as contributing citizens anyway. No excuses.
5. Start doing one nice thing for yourself every day. Something simple like a nap, a walk, a bunch of flowers from the grocery store, a special coffee or tea, a bubble bath. Being kind to yourself will help you rebuild yourself. When we are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired (HALT), we can't deal with all of this awfulness. Stop, and take care of yourself first.
You have to be sick and tired of your own life before you are ready for a new way of living, Aud. Are you sick and tired enough yet? I nearly crawled into Al-Anon for the first time about 8 years ago. I stayed that time for a year and a half. I didn't get it. I didn't like what they were saying a lot of the time. I just wanted them to tell me how to make my ex-husband stop drinking.
Al-Anon is a program about working on me. Working on you. Not the other people who are causing all of the trouble (we believe). The next time I went back to Al-Anon was when my son's drug addiction ramped up-----about four years ago. This time I went with an open mind and I was ready to learn a new way of living. My way wasn't working. I was depressed, anxious, full of despair, fear and hopelessness, and I couldn't function in my everyday life.
I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I was ready to change.
Change is hard work, Aud. It takes dedicated time every single day to fill your mind, heart and soul with new ways of thinking and new ways of acting. You will make mistakes, but that is okay. This is not perfection school. We are focused on making progress, not perfection. No single mistake or even group of mistakes will doom our adult children.
Think on this Aud: One time someone said to me, "Wow, you must think you are the most powerful person in the world if you can cause someone to be an alcoholic or drug addict. Or if you can keep them from being an alcoholic or drug addict." For some reason, Aud, that cut through my denial and my blindness. I heard that statement.
You didn't cause this. You can't control it. You can't cure it. The Three Cs, Aud.
Just for today think on these things:
1. No is a complete sentence.
2. Think.
3. Feelings aren't facts.
4. One day at a time.
5. Just for today.
6. Progress not perfection.
7. Mind your own business.
8. Keep it simple.
These slogans---as simple as they are---are the pathway back to sanity. Back to peace. Back to contentment. Back to serenity.
Even back to joy, Aud.
There are many more helpful slogans, Aud, but start with these. When I first heard Al-Anon talk about slogans, I dismissed them out of hand. They were too simple. They were even remedial and childish, to my mind. I wanted some complex answers to my complex problems.
Today, I realize the slogans are sometimes all we can take in. All we can hear through our pain and our misery. They are an instant antidote to our disease of enabling and of codependency.
Aud, I have a list of slogans printed out and on my refrigerator in my kitchen and hanging on the wall in my office. I look at them every day. They help me.
I know you are in deep pain and misery right now. To get better, you need to start taking steps for YOURSELF. That is where your focus and your energy needs to be right now.
Blessings and hugs and prayers I am sending out to you from me. Keep posting here. We get it because we have been right where you are. There is help and there is hope, Aud.