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Parent Emeritus
Need a sounding board, venting and some advice - long...sorry
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<blockquote data-quote="aninom" data-source="post: 325562" data-attributes="member: 8513"><p>I wish I didn't recognize this, but I do. It's extremely traumatic, I imagine especially for difficult child 1 - when this kind of manipulation goes on for years, trust becomes a fragile thing and the entire family can start feeling toxic. Did you talk this situation through after you found out? Impulse control issues are one thing, but that kind of manipulation is a whole 'nother level of scary.</p><p> </p><p></p><p> </p><p>Oh yes. been there done that. Our difficult child will usually first act in some unacceptable way, then go out about town and relatives and spread the idea that someone else in the family acted that way... I guess it's convenient to have source material. </p><p> </p><p>I know it sounds like lame advice, but the best thing you can do is to simply stay calm and be yourself anytime someone starts looking at you funny all of a sudden. Do NOT try and counter-argument, or tell them all about difficult child - she jumped on that train first, and she's most likely a better liar: the sister in law's and others won't believe you. Your difficult child will probably screw up her relations with them sooner or later, and if not (which is sometimes a good thing if the relatives are a good influence), accept that there is nothing you can do and try not to feel too bitter about it. God sends us nothing we can't handle, as they say.</p><p> </p><p></p><p> </p><p>Don't go. Your gut is right. The pretend carousel takes a chunk of your self-esteem and sanity with it every time it goes around. Refusing to act along anymore can also be a healthy signal to both EG and husband that, in fact, things AREN'T okay, their behavior pattern isn't acceptable - which is the first step to things changing.</p><p> </p><p></p><p> </p><p>My first thought is, re-tool the way you look at this situation. EG is EG. You cannot change her, and by focusing on her emotions in this way or buying into the idea of a power game, you are draining yourself of energy. She thinks she won - so what? Her perception of the world is her own sad problem. Yours is the key to your own happiness. Let her think whatever - her opinion of you, at this point, matters only minimally; if she is immature enough to see this not as a question of what is good for the kids, but of what is good for her ego, she is truly a petty person and you cannot let yourself buy into her emotional conception of the situation.</p><p> </p><p></p><p> </p><p>Great idea! If she knows it's a limited time event, after not having seen you for so long, she may be better able to resist falling back into the same behavioral patterns. Plus, if such a short time goes well (precisely because it is too short for you-know-what to hit the fan), it's more likely the next time will go well for a bit longer.</p><p> </p><p>I'm mostly speculating on this, but I can count on my one hand the times our difficult child has been able to spend a "good" and normal day with any of our family, and it has always been in the context of her being in town only for a day or so. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs, and best of luck to you and yours!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="aninom, post: 325562, member: 8513"] I wish I didn't recognize this, but I do. It's extremely traumatic, I imagine especially for difficult child 1 - when this kind of manipulation goes on for years, trust becomes a fragile thing and the entire family can start feeling toxic. Did you talk this situation through after you found out? Impulse control issues are one thing, but that kind of manipulation is a whole 'nother level of scary. Oh yes. been there done that. Our difficult child will usually first act in some unacceptable way, then go out about town and relatives and spread the idea that someone else in the family acted that way... I guess it's convenient to have source material. I know it sounds like lame advice, but the best thing you can do is to simply stay calm and be yourself anytime someone starts looking at you funny all of a sudden. Do NOT try and counter-argument, or tell them all about difficult child - she jumped on that train first, and she's most likely a better liar: the sister in law's and others won't believe you. Your difficult child will probably screw up her relations with them sooner or later, and if not (which is sometimes a good thing if the relatives are a good influence), accept that there is nothing you can do and try not to feel too bitter about it. God sends us nothing we can't handle, as they say. Don't go. Your gut is right. The pretend carousel takes a chunk of your self-esteem and sanity with it every time it goes around. Refusing to act along anymore can also be a healthy signal to both EG and husband that, in fact, things AREN'T okay, their behavior pattern isn't acceptable - which is the first step to things changing. My first thought is, re-tool the way you look at this situation. EG is EG. You cannot change her, and by focusing on her emotions in this way or buying into the idea of a power game, you are draining yourself of energy. She thinks she won - so what? Her perception of the world is her own sad problem. Yours is the key to your own happiness. Let her think whatever - her opinion of you, at this point, matters only minimally; if she is immature enough to see this not as a question of what is good for the kids, but of what is good for her ego, she is truly a petty person and you cannot let yourself buy into her emotional conception of the situation. Great idea! If she knows it's a limited time event, after not having seen you for so long, she may be better able to resist falling back into the same behavioral patterns. Plus, if such a short time goes well (precisely because it is too short for you-know-what to hit the fan), it's more likely the next time will go well for a bit longer. I'm mostly speculating on this, but I can count on my one hand the times our difficult child has been able to spend a "good" and normal day with any of our family, and it has always been in the context of her being in town only for a day or so. Hugs, and best of luck to you and yours! [/QUOTE]
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Need a sounding board, venting and some advice - long...sorry
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