Need advice: did I set the bar too high?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by JJJ, Dec 20, 2012.

  1. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Eeyore was told that he had to have a 2.7 to get an allowance. He did not earn it first quarter and has been 9 weeks without an allowance. Three of his six classes are done and grades posted. It is not possible for him to get high enough grades on the last 3 finals to get to a 2.7. He MIGHT be able to get a 2.4.

    He had a 2.7 last year which is why we choose a 2.7 to keep his allowance. The school agrees that he is intellectually capable of a 2.7 considering that 2/3s of his classes are modified and the other two are "career" classes. The question is...is he emotionally capable of doing the work? He has not tried very hard (although he is pretty adament that he is trying his best). He has had numerous panic attacks at school as well as emotional meltdowns (crying, stomping feet, pouting).

    He still thinks he is getting a 2.7 and I am not telling him. He has his last finals tomorrow and if he knows that he blew his allowance, he is likely to just scribble on his last finals. He can see his grades online but (1) he doesn't understand the math on how to figure his gpa (2) he may not be able to figure out how to see the actual semester grade as that is a different screen than he usually uses. Eventually, the grades will "lock" and he will see them and his gpa.

    I also gave him several opportunities to earn money by doing extra chores. In the entire 9 weeks, he did extra chores twice. He could have done them 40 times if he reeally wanted money.

    My dilemma is that every time we create options for him to earn money, he blows it or refuses to do it. It seems as if his self-esteem issues will not let him try. So, do I just go back to giving him his allowance without strings? or leave him penniless? The school will not help him get a job at this point because he is not 'employable' due to his work refusal and poutiness. He is going to start a mini-pre-voc program after the break and the full pre-voc class in the fall, which the goal of vocational the year after that. But, his case manager, is very concerned that employment outside a structured workshop, is beyond him but with his IQ, he won't 'fit in' in a structured workshop and may not even qualify.

    I think Eeyore might be happiest if I put him back on the plan where I buy him what I feel he needs so he doesn't have to earn the money or make decisions about spending it.
     
  2. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Since this seems to be stressing him out, how about a compromise? Set an amount for a 2.7. He gets x amount less for every point he is below, but not nothing. He gets x amount more for every point he is above. That way he's still getting an allowance so it's not an all or nothing deal. He gets "rewarded" for what he DOES do.
     
  3. Blueknight

    Blueknight New Member

    I think if doing extra chores is on the table, and he doesn't make the gpa limit, you could stick to your guns and make him understand that he has two options to earn money, one is out, so best do more chores. Of course the downside is IF he really is trying hard for the 2.7 and doesn't get it that will be very defeating, emotionally.

    TeDo's advice would be my personal choice. I mean I don't care if it is a kid or adult, if work said you can make a $1 an hour to be lazy, up to $20 an hour to do an average job, and up to $40 an hour to kick butt, I would be motivated to kick butt! Maybe this will work well for him. The problem with a lot of people is that it is very difficult to invest work into someone that doesn't pay off immediately. It is why I still miss being a waiter and getting instant paychecks for work I was doing.
     
  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    JMHO, I think if you believe he's tried at school, even though he didn't do as well as you know he's capable of, I'd lower the bar. If he ends the semester with a 2.4 I'd tell him "we know you tried hard and di your best and that's pretty close to a 2.7". But that's just me in hindsight to my experiences, which are completely different.
     
  5. svengandhi

    svengandhi Well-Known Member

    I like TeDo's solution as well. I have offered that sort of deal to oldest boy - go back to college, take one class and if you get an A, I'll reimburse you, for a B, I'll pay half and for a C, one quarter, nothing for a D because it doesn't transfer. Of course, he has to earn the money for the class and that's not happening. He is 22.

    In your case, I would offer Eeyore the full amount for 2.7 and somewhat less for each tenth below that. Take it down by 10% for each tenth until a bottom ceiling is reached or there's nothing left. If he gets a 2.4, he'd get 70% of his allowance. I think that when these kids lose everything, they can't get back up so maybe a compromise might motivate him some more.

    Believe me, my own personal Eeyore (his little boy name, now his nickname is Harpens, don't ask because I don't know) is failing everything and he doesn't have Eeyore's issues, he is just dyslexic.

    Good luck.
     
  6. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    We do something like that. 2.7 was the minimum and he could earn -- up to triple -- for better grades. I think I am going to give him a lower amount for what he does get. The big issue is that I do not think he is trying, but I cannot figure out how to motivate him to try...
     
  7. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    The reason my kids have gotten allowance has been to teach them to use money. We are at times taken it off for punishment or they have needed to work well at school to earn it, but in reality they are/were getting it to teach them to budget, to consider what to use, what to save, to learn to plan their purchases. difficult child is now on his own, but easy child's allowance is there to cover lots of things from his basic clothes (I will buy him some more expensive things like outdoors gears because they are too expensive for his regular allowance), bus ticket (or he can walk/use bike) to his entertainment. When you start to make decisions over money and budgeting, you are bound to make mistakes. I like it that consequences of those mistakes is that you don't have a bus ticket for a week or two and have to drive that ten or twenty miles to school by bike than it to be being out of rent money a few years later.

    So while we have some stipulations for easy child's allowance they are not so that he could loose it for a long time.
     
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    JJJ....I found out much too late to be able to use this with Cory but I figured out Cory was very motivate by money. I really think if I could have paid him to go to school and maintain a certain level of behavior and grades we may not have had as much of an issue. I wish I had thought of it. However it would have had to have been weekly and not what I thought was a good plan of paying for grades. I did do that and it didnt work. It was too far out. They simply couldnt see that far out. I did the 10 for an A, 7 for a B and 5 for a C and nothing for less than that. That was in early grades. In HS, it went to 15, 10 and 5. Still too far out.

    If I had it to do over I would pay Cory $5 a week to behave in school and another 5 a week to make good grades. I would just say good grades because together we knew what was good for him depending on the classes. That would have been far less than the gas I paid going to all the therapy appointments...lol.

    i truly think that would have worked. He will work harder than anything or anyone to make money. I think if he then saw that at the end of the 9 weeks he got the bonus which is basically how it works in the real world, then he would have really worked hard. Most people do work for a paycheck at the end of each week and then look forward to their end of the year bonus. It just never occurred to me to do it for him and I think I blew it.
     
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I never used a particular GPA for allowance. My son just had to try his hardest and put in a good effort and that was easy to find out...just asked the teachers. Sometimes in my opinion there is too much pressure for certain kids when there is an actual number attached.
    The chores in my opinion are fair. My son always got extra $$$ for chores and was greatly motivated. If your son isn't, maybe the money isn't all that important to him????
     
  10. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Is this per class or total average? Maybe per class is more realistic in case one class is affected by his disabilities more and pulling the average down?
     
  11. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Oh yeah, TeDo has a great idea! Buddy's suggestion of paying per class is also a good solution.
     
  12. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Sadly, it is across the board issue. Every single teacher has contacted me or his case manager about his work refusal, missing assignments, disrespectful/immature attitude.

    He got a C in ROTC and is so mad "the final asked a bunch of questions about planes, I don't know anything about planes". Um, Eeyore, doesn't the class learn about planes on every single Tuesday and Thursday. "Yeah, but they know I didn't learn it so it shouldn't be on the test."

    husband will be home for the next 4 days! Thank God! He gets to deal with Eeyore for all 4 days!
     
  13. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Sadly, it is across the board issue. Every single teacher has contacted me or his case manager about his work refusal, missing assignments, disrespectful/immature attitude.

    He got a C in ROTC (due to a 44% on the final) and is so mad "the final asked a bunch of questions about planes, I don't know anything about planes". Um, Eeyore, doesn't the class learn about planes on every single Tuesday and Thursday. "Yeah, but they know I didn't learn it so it shouldn't be on the test."

    husband will be home for the next 4 days! Thank God! He gets to deal with Eeyore for all 4 days!
     
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