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<blockquote data-quote="Terryforvols" data-source="post: 90391" data-attributes="member: 2127"><p>Mikey:</p><p>I think the most frustrating part about your situation to me is that your reasoning for not doing anything revolves around "saving" your family. That is noble, but you don't see that your family is being destroyed by McWeedy as long as he gets his way. He has driven a wedge between you and wife, Dancer feels the need to "fix" everything, and Sarge seems to just be angry. There is going to be no real "family" left as long as he is allowed to continue. This is spoken by a person who almost lost a marriage of 25 years (at the time) and whose 23-year-old son was basically neglected (the only word I can think of). My difficult child was so manipulative that my husband stuck his head in the sand (very similar to wife, but not as drastic) and I spent ALL my time and energy thinking I could control difficult child by knowing where she was, who she was with, driving by places, checking her cell phone, etc. I felt that all my time and attention should be directed to difficult child and assumed that since my son was 23, he didn't need as much attention; he became angry with me and his sister for what she was doing. If we had not come together, I would be divorced now, difficult child would either be dead or in jail, and my son would probably look at his parents with disgust. An addict, and I agree with others that pot is not his only drug, will destroy everything in their path as long as they are enabled. wife is living in denial and your marriage seems doomed either way at this point, if you do act against her wishes, or if you agree with her and, God forbid, the worst happens to McWeedy (you will be blamed for not being "stronger" and forcing the issue). As asked above, is is no professional that wife would listen to? </p><p></p><p>in my humble opinion, if you are not going to do anything about the suicide note, please stay on track to make him leave the house in January, if not sooner. NOTHING will ever improve if you continue this current course. He is not going to magically wake up one day and "see the light". You have no idea about how long I waited for that to happen, believed that if I said it "just one more time" that would be the light bulb moment. Your life, and his, is going to need to get much worse (and I know that is hard to imagine) before it can get better. There were days from 2000-2005 that I could not imagine any hope or any light, and coming to this board in 2004 (I think) and just reading threads and actually taking some of the advice saved me. One of the most important truths to living with an addict is you HAVE to let them suffer (unfortunately, which causes suffering for you too). They have to either hit bottom on their own, or bring the bottom to them. You can't make their life comfortable in any way, or they will never change. McWeedy has no reason to believe you will ever throw him out because you do not stand behind your remarks and he knows he can manipulate his mother. YOU need to decide what is more important, saving your son or continuing to live in a big house of denial. I feel for you, you're in a horrible place, but you will continue to live in a h***-hole until you claw and dig your way out. </p><p></p><p>Just my opinion, hope it makes some sense. Please get wife to a professional that she will listen to. In my eyes, THAT is the only way to save your family.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Terryforvols, post: 90391, member: 2127"] Mikey: I think the most frustrating part about your situation to me is that your reasoning for not doing anything revolves around "saving" your family. That is noble, but you don't see that your family is being destroyed by McWeedy as long as he gets his way. He has driven a wedge between you and wife, Dancer feels the need to "fix" everything, and Sarge seems to just be angry. There is going to be no real "family" left as long as he is allowed to continue. This is spoken by a person who almost lost a marriage of 25 years (at the time) and whose 23-year-old son was basically neglected (the only word I can think of). My difficult child was so manipulative that my husband stuck his head in the sand (very similar to wife, but not as drastic) and I spent ALL my time and energy thinking I could control difficult child by knowing where she was, who she was with, driving by places, checking her cell phone, etc. I felt that all my time and attention should be directed to difficult child and assumed that since my son was 23, he didn't need as much attention; he became angry with me and his sister for what she was doing. If we had not come together, I would be divorced now, difficult child would either be dead or in jail, and my son would probably look at his parents with disgust. An addict, and I agree with others that pot is not his only drug, will destroy everything in their path as long as they are enabled. wife is living in denial and your marriage seems doomed either way at this point, if you do act against her wishes, or if you agree with her and, God forbid, the worst happens to McWeedy (you will be blamed for not being "stronger" and forcing the issue). As asked above, is is no professional that wife would listen to? in my humble opinion, if you are not going to do anything about the suicide note, please stay on track to make him leave the house in January, if not sooner. NOTHING will ever improve if you continue this current course. He is not going to magically wake up one day and "see the light". You have no idea about how long I waited for that to happen, believed that if I said it "just one more time" that would be the light bulb moment. Your life, and his, is going to need to get much worse (and I know that is hard to imagine) before it can get better. There were days from 2000-2005 that I could not imagine any hope or any light, and coming to this board in 2004 (I think) and just reading threads and actually taking some of the advice saved me. One of the most important truths to living with an addict is you HAVE to let them suffer (unfortunately, which causes suffering for you too). They have to either hit bottom on their own, or bring the bottom to them. You can't make their life comfortable in any way, or they will never change. McWeedy has no reason to believe you will ever throw him out because you do not stand behind your remarks and he knows he can manipulate his mother. YOU need to decide what is more important, saving your son or continuing to live in a big house of denial. I feel for you, you're in a horrible place, but you will continue to live in a h***-hole until you claw and dig your way out. Just my opinion, hope it makes some sense. Please get wife to a professional that she will listen to. In my eyes, THAT is the only way to save your family. [/QUOTE]
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