Mikey
Psycho Gorilla Dad
By now everybody knows the Saga of the Mighty McWeedy. Rebellious, unrepentant drug user, etc. Only now, we have a serious crisis and I need some advice quick...
For the last two months, I've followed the advice of his therapist at the study and tried to make my actions about his actions. Once he turned 18, I told him that he was no longer entitled to anything that we didn't want to give. And that we were within our "rights" to ask that he observe basic rules and accept basic responsibilities if he wanted to continue living in our home and taking advantage of my benefits (insurance, etc).
Lots of angst, lots of acting out, basically McWeedy trying to keep his current load of benefits without having to grow up. He ratcheted up his acting out, which has caused problems with the family (hence my other post).
What I thought would happen was that McWeedy would finally realize he had to choose between trying to live life as he chose on his own, or to compromise with us and continue to live at home (with whatever benefits we could share). Last week at parent/teacher conferences, we heard over and over that McWeedy was really "thinking" about (i.e concerned over) having to possibly leave the house in January.
He's in a class called "On Your Own" which is supposed to help teens figure out how to live, well, on your own. The teacher for that class told us that McWeedy was distressed when he found out how hard it would be to move out, and that basically he'd be trading an unacceptably constrained life at home for a life of hard work and little reward away from home (primarily because he couldn't go to college).
I was a little bit heartened to hear that because I thought that finally, McWeedy was starting to see that the world outside our house wasn't the easy-going, bong-filled paradise he thought it would be. I hoped that would soften him a bit towards us.
I found out last night that maybe I was wrong.
I was trying to get him to honestly evaluate his two options, and choose one. What I didn't count on was him looking at a third option - suicide.
wife was cleaning up his room over the weekend (after he'd run away again), and found a notebook where he'd written a poem about killing himself with a gun. The end of the poems reads Every day as I lie down to bed, I realize how much life really doesn't have to offer, and how hopeless it is to dream of a better future.
This isn't a "threat", because I'm certain he never meant for us to see it. And I don't know how long ago he wrote it - maybe two weeks, maybe two months. He's also written things in the past about how his life is basically lost and hopeless, but never talked about ending it.
For the life of me, I never thought that the two choices he had were so abhorrent that he'd even consider killing himself rather than pick between them.
I spoke with the docs at the study (they know him best, right now), and they suggested immediate hospitalization for evaluation. I'm sure they're right, but I've never been down this road before. I'm not even sure I could get him to go willingly, which means using cops or someone else to forceably take him to a lock-down facility. If he hates me now, that will only cement the feelings because he'll never see it as a loving, caring gesture on my part. He'll see it as yet another attempt to rule and constrain him against his will.
I'm going to talk to wife as soon as I can get her on the phone, and am going to call one of the local hospitals that has a dual-diagnostic adolescent unit to see if they have a bed. Again, I've never been here before. And while I'm going to do whatever I have to, I can't help but feel guilty that I've forced him into this position (not true, but I still feel that way). As his therapist told me, "there's no reason he should feel such despair over his life that suicide is even a passing thought in his mind".
I don't know how wife will react to this, even though she's the one that found the letter and brought it to me. She did, however, tell McWeedy last night (for the first time) that he needed to get out of school, get into rehab, get his life straight, then come back home and try to start anew with us to help. But I don't think we can wait that long, now. The docs were adamant - he needs to be evaluated immediately.
So - any thoughts or advice? Anything would be much appreciated.
Thanks in advance,
Mikey
For the last two months, I've followed the advice of his therapist at the study and tried to make my actions about his actions. Once he turned 18, I told him that he was no longer entitled to anything that we didn't want to give. And that we were within our "rights" to ask that he observe basic rules and accept basic responsibilities if he wanted to continue living in our home and taking advantage of my benefits (insurance, etc).
Lots of angst, lots of acting out, basically McWeedy trying to keep his current load of benefits without having to grow up. He ratcheted up his acting out, which has caused problems with the family (hence my other post).
What I thought would happen was that McWeedy would finally realize he had to choose between trying to live life as he chose on his own, or to compromise with us and continue to live at home (with whatever benefits we could share). Last week at parent/teacher conferences, we heard over and over that McWeedy was really "thinking" about (i.e concerned over) having to possibly leave the house in January.
He's in a class called "On Your Own" which is supposed to help teens figure out how to live, well, on your own. The teacher for that class told us that McWeedy was distressed when he found out how hard it would be to move out, and that basically he'd be trading an unacceptably constrained life at home for a life of hard work and little reward away from home (primarily because he couldn't go to college).
I was a little bit heartened to hear that because I thought that finally, McWeedy was starting to see that the world outside our house wasn't the easy-going, bong-filled paradise he thought it would be. I hoped that would soften him a bit towards us.
I found out last night that maybe I was wrong.
I was trying to get him to honestly evaluate his two options, and choose one. What I didn't count on was him looking at a third option - suicide.
wife was cleaning up his room over the weekend (after he'd run away again), and found a notebook where he'd written a poem about killing himself with a gun. The end of the poems reads Every day as I lie down to bed, I realize how much life really doesn't have to offer, and how hopeless it is to dream of a better future.
This isn't a "threat", because I'm certain he never meant for us to see it. And I don't know how long ago he wrote it - maybe two weeks, maybe two months. He's also written things in the past about how his life is basically lost and hopeless, but never talked about ending it.
For the life of me, I never thought that the two choices he had were so abhorrent that he'd even consider killing himself rather than pick between them.
I spoke with the docs at the study (they know him best, right now), and they suggested immediate hospitalization for evaluation. I'm sure they're right, but I've never been down this road before. I'm not even sure I could get him to go willingly, which means using cops or someone else to forceably take him to a lock-down facility. If he hates me now, that will only cement the feelings because he'll never see it as a loving, caring gesture on my part. He'll see it as yet another attempt to rule and constrain him against his will.
I'm going to talk to wife as soon as I can get her on the phone, and am going to call one of the local hospitals that has a dual-diagnostic adolescent unit to see if they have a bed. Again, I've never been here before. And while I'm going to do whatever I have to, I can't help but feel guilty that I've forced him into this position (not true, but I still feel that way). As his therapist told me, "there's no reason he should feel such despair over his life that suicide is even a passing thought in his mind".
I don't know how wife will react to this, even though she's the one that found the letter and brought it to me. She did, however, tell McWeedy last night (for the first time) that he needed to get out of school, get into rehab, get his life straight, then come back home and try to start anew with us to help. But I don't think we can wait that long, now. The docs were adamant - he needs to be evaluated immediately.
So - any thoughts or advice? Anything would be much appreciated.
Thanks in advance,
Mikey
