Need advice on this new world...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by PatriotsGirl, Aug 1, 2014.

  1. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    So daughter has been getting a bad attitude. Started a few months ago and we get into it with each other quite a bit - especially when we both have PMS. I can't help but wonder if it is hormones - I have read about this happening when a baby turns about 8 - 9 months. I have been trying to tell her that I think she needs to go back on something but she fought hard against it until yesterday. She finally admitted that she needs medication and plans to make an appointment. She still doesn't have a job and says she is upset about that, yet isn't really out there searching for one either. I told her she could go to school instead of working. She doesn't know what she wants to do. I really think this is all due to depression.

    Me - I make it known when I disagree with her parenting. I can't help it. I have NEVER been one to keep my mouth shut. I fought hard to protect that baby in the womb and I feel SO protective of him now. Of course this is what causes most of our arguments.

    Example - we argued a bit during the day yesterday so around 7 last night, she was getting Connor ready to go out. I asked why she was taking him out at night when he should be home getting ready for bed? I told her babies need stability and not to be galavanting around to her friend's houses. Of course this started another argument. She asked me if I ever stopped to think that maybe where she was taking him was more "homey" than being here. That by him being here with us arguing is not good for him, either.

    Well, she and the baby did not come home last night. Not cool in my book. She never told me she would not be home and I worry. husband was not happy this morning when he saw that she didn't come home and said the same thing I did - not good for the baby's stability to not come home.

    She has been working nights painting and I know she was exhausted. It is quite possible her and the baby fell asleep at her friend's house. Still, I don't think she should have went anywhere to begin with. :(

    I know that I am being overbearing, controlling and judgemental and for some reason - I can't stop myself! husband agrees with me, so I am not sure if it is me, or her. She says I make her feel like a bad mother but I just want her to be better than I was!

    I am starting to think that living together is not such a good idea. It is great for Connor, but we just butt heads with her. I can't see me keeping my mouth shut. In my opinion, I pay for this house and I will say what I want in it. But sheesh, typing this out, I am kind of seeing me from her point of view. Yikes.

    Am I wrong? How do you live with your adult children and not comment on what they do? Especially when it comes to raising their children?

  2. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I did pretty well with that one.


    Defer to the mom in everything. It's important for her to become fully immersed in the role of mother to her son. You are probably right about your daughter needing to begin looking for an apartment for herself and her child.

    Grandparents are a safe place, their home a stable place...but we aren't the parent.

    The only times we stepped in were to take the kids for their physical safety. We returned them as soon as our daughter had come to her senses.

    Other than for a case of imminent danger to the child, you must defer to the mother in all things so she can grow into a competent, confident mom.

    That doesn't mean she doesn't have to abide by the rules of your home when she is there.

    Can Connor really be eight months old already?!?


  3. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I have to agree with Cedar. I have 3 grands and some of the decisions that their parents have made are cringe worthy. They were not life threating decisions. The parents learned and are probably doing a better job than I ever did.
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with Cedar PG, as hard as that is for you, your daughter has to find her own mother's shoes and be able to fit in them well. It probably is a good idea for her to move to her own place. I can only imagine how difficult it is for you with Connor right there in your home.

    I did what Cedar did too, I deferred to my daughter's mothering until I could handle it no longer and then I went for guardianship. But my daughter was neglecting her daughter, your daughter sounds as if she is a good Mom but has different thoughts about raising a baby. You may be totally "right" but being right and continuing to let your daughter know that only makes her feel "wrong." No one likes to feel wrong all the time.

    She has to learn how to mother, as we all do. And, you need to let her do that. As we on the PE side realize all the time, here is another opportunity to let go. And, as is always the case, it isn't easy. I like that expression I heard on here a few times, 'sit on your lips' when you want to interfere in your daughter's choices about Connor. And, then, perhaps, the best solution in the long run is to encourage her to find her own place.

    So sorry, I know how difficult it is.
  5. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Thank you all. It is SO hard. I want the absolute best for him. She came home this morning after I wrote this post and I talked to her some. I told her it is not that I think she is a bad mom, I just want her to be a better mom than I was. I explained where I am coming from. Anyhow, I told her I am going to try REAL hard to sit on my lips, but I really do not feel that the baby should spend the night anywhere but home. I told her if she feels she cannot do that here, then she should think about moving out. He does need stability.

    I know she cannot afford to go anywhere. She is not working and cannot support Connor on her own. But, I do think it would be best as much as I would miss that baby like crazy!!!!! I would take him every other weekend for the full weekend, though. :)

    You are all right. I need to let her be the mother as much as it pains me to do My type A personality always comes out and whoo. I think I may be putting more stress on myself by always being concerned with what she is doing. Why am I doing that to myself??

    And Connor is almost a year old!! He will be a year on Spetember 4th. Goodness, I can't believe it has been that long already...
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I had to smile when I read that PG, I think it's part of how most of us are made up, trying to manage other peoples lives because WE KNOW BEST!!!! HA!

    I am in continuing letting go mode. Now my little grand baby leaves for college and I am in yet another letting go process, it NEVER ENDS! My lips are black and blue for all the times they get sat on!
  7. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

  8. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I would say it is time for difficult child to have a definite plan to move out.

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
  9. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Hey, PG, I can only imagine how hard it is to watch your daughter not parent in a healthy way for your precious grandson.

    I am sitting here thinking about that, and trying to put myself in your place. I am sure it would drive me crazy, watching a baby not get everything he needs.

    But you know, PG, we didn't get everything we needed either, and we turned out okay (I think! lol).

    Your daughter isn't going to be able to live up to what you expect and want for Connor. No matter what.

    I understand she is still getting on her feet. What about working with her to make a plan for her to move out three months or six months from now? Get some money saved, find a roommate, so it's not in a rush.

    And in the meantime, you get busy and start focusing on something else other than them (daughter and Connor).

    Turn your head, bite your tongue, walk out of the room, but work hard to stay out of her business. Put some physical boundaries in place inside your home so it's not staring you in the face all the time.

    I am sure you dearly and deeply love her and your grandson. But as I've often said on this board, I really don't think God intended for adult parents and their adult children to live under the same roof. Too much baggage, too much emotion flowing, too many expectations. It's hard for us to be anything else other than parent/child, no matter our age.

    Hang in there! You are only human, and so are they. And you can't protect Connor from all of the difficulties in the world---you know that. Warm hugs tonight.
  10. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    husband said this to me so many times years ago---when i was wondering/frustrated why it was not working...."you cannot expect two adults to live in the same house."
    And, then he would mention a story his mom momma bears would leave their last year's baby in a tree when they took off to have their next baby bear...

    Yes, i believe, from experience, that scenario seldom works....and how could it?
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I could never live with my grown kids because of what you said. Only I am the type who believes I should keep my mouth shut and let them parent, unless there is abuse. So I'd be silently fuming and silently correcting and it wouldn't work. It's even hard to visit Julie and stay too long because we love each other, but we get on each other's nerves.

    I think that what is going on is very normal. I do think that until you are ready to tell your daughter to find her own place to stay, and to remain on good terms, which is so important for Connor, maybe you should admit your need to do the parenting for her and try to step back, even if she does things that you don't think are healthy (unless it is abusive or illegal). Everyone's parenting style is different. I used to take my first child everywhere with me and he came with me at night if I went out and he was fine; he usually just slept. I needed to get out too and NOBODY was there to ever give me a break or babysit so it was take him with or cry and be depressed and overwhelmed at home. Chances are your grandson is in a good place with nice friends of your daughters.

    I would hate to hear that your relationship deteriorated too much after all the two of you have been through together :)
  12. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Okay, since I made a real effort to sit on my lips and take to heart the wonderful advice here - things have been MUCH better. I feel so much less stress and I think she appreciates me not harping on her.

    And I realized - I was so focused on her being a better mother than I was with her, that I lost sight of the fact that she already is.

    Now I just need to get my husband I talked to him last night and he is still so very overprotective of Connor. I am, too, but I realize we just have to let go some...

    So I have shifted my focus from trying to manage her life to managing my job (which is going very well right now as I finally have a fabulous boss that sees my worth!!). I have picked up overseeing a new area at work so that is really needing my attention. Win - win. :)
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