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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 668128" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>SeaGenie,</p><p></p><p>I remember this stage all too well. Analysis stage. We are faced with a seemingly insurmountable issue when it comes to dealing with difficult adult children, their rantings and rages, insults and accusations. </p><p></p><p>We become entrenched in the misery of it. We begin to sift through the pages of our book, rereading, reliving, asking the questions of ourselves. I think the constant blaming triggers it, as if somewhere deep inside, we wonder if through all of life's inevitable tragic events suffered while raising our children, did we take our minds off of them too long and cause what they have become? Was there something we could have done differently? Is it really our fault, or circumstances fault?</p><p></p><p>Fault- responsibility for a wrongful act, a mistake.</p><p></p><p>In our mothering do we make mistakes? Certainly we do. We are not perfect, and if we had a chance would we do things differently? Maybe.</p><p></p><p>Do the mistakes we made then, add up to a reason for the choices our difficult children make now? NO!</p><p></p><p>There has to come a time when these adults examine and analyze their own life's path, their own decisions. That does not happen as long as we are stepping in to rescue them, enable them. As long as we remain in the picture, they will not take their magnifying glass off of us and look in the MIRROR. </p><p></p><p>I, too have a long list of "Lemony Snicket's continuing series of unfortunate events", not to take away, or water down your losses. Looking back, I have been smacked upside the head many, many times by stuff thrown my way. I have had to get up each and every time. Is it fair? No! As my Dad always said "Who said life was fair?" It's not. In between the moments of beauty life is peppered with real, raw, seemingly devastating challenges. This is one of the greatest ones, our babies, our children, growing up and living their lives <strong><em>wrong</em></strong>.</p><p></p><p>They are not babies anymore. They sure do act like it though. Toddlers, throwing tantrums in adult bodies. They are incredibly manipulating and selfish. At this point in time, the mindset your son is in, you could never do enough, be enough for him. In the adult toddler tantrum you are to blame, it is your fault.</p><p></p><p>There is no rationality to it. </p><p></p><p>We have cousins in their 70's who are still dealing with drug addicted adult children living in their home, and now drug dabbling grandchildren! OUCH!</p><p></p><p>While you are examining your past and sifting through your book, there are still unwritten pages. What will you fill those with?</p><p></p><p>This is a hard, hard time. I wish I had a place like this to land in the earlier stages of my Difficult Child's warpath. I think it would have given me the stuff I needed to stand up, draw the line and say </p><p></p><p>"ENOUGH! When you are ready to make better choices, take responsibility for your own life and stop blaming me, call me!"</p><p></p><p>Hang tough SeaGenie. As a fellow artist, I hope that you are able to delve into your creativity. I have found that to be a necessity.Try to redirect your strong mother-nurture spirit to become a self-nurturer. YOU deserve it! </p><p></p><p>((HUGS))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 668128, member: 19522"] SeaGenie, I remember this stage all too well. Analysis stage. We are faced with a seemingly insurmountable issue when it comes to dealing with difficult adult children, their rantings and rages, insults and accusations. We become entrenched in the misery of it. We begin to sift through the pages of our book, rereading, reliving, asking the questions of ourselves. I think the constant blaming triggers it, as if somewhere deep inside, we wonder if through all of life's inevitable tragic events suffered while raising our children, did we take our minds off of them too long and cause what they have become? Was there something we could have done differently? Is it really our fault, or circumstances fault? Fault- responsibility for a wrongful act, a mistake. In our mothering do we make mistakes? Certainly we do. We are not perfect, and if we had a chance would we do things differently? Maybe. Do the mistakes we made then, add up to a reason for the choices our difficult children make now? NO! There has to come a time when these adults examine and analyze their own life's path, their own decisions. That does not happen as long as we are stepping in to rescue them, enable them. As long as we remain in the picture, they will not take their magnifying glass off of us and look in the MIRROR. I, too have a long list of "Lemony Snicket's continuing series of unfortunate events", not to take away, or water down your losses. Looking back, I have been smacked upside the head many, many times by stuff thrown my way. I have had to get up each and every time. Is it fair? No! As my Dad always said "Who said life was fair?" It's not. In between the moments of beauty life is peppered with real, raw, seemingly devastating challenges. This is one of the greatest ones, our babies, our children, growing up and living their lives [B][I]wrong[/I][/B]. They are not babies anymore. They sure do act like it though. Toddlers, throwing tantrums in adult bodies. They are incredibly manipulating and selfish. At this point in time, the mindset your son is in, you could never do enough, be enough for him. In the adult toddler tantrum you are to blame, it is your fault. There is no rationality to it. We have cousins in their 70's who are still dealing with drug addicted adult children living in their home, and now drug dabbling grandchildren! OUCH! While you are examining your past and sifting through your book, there are still unwritten pages. What will you fill those with? This is a hard, hard time. I wish I had a place like this to land in the earlier stages of my Difficult Child's warpath. I think it would have given me the stuff I needed to stand up, draw the line and say "ENOUGH! When you are ready to make better choices, take responsibility for your own life and stop blaming me, call me!" Hang tough SeaGenie. As a fellow artist, I hope that you are able to delve into your creativity. I have found that to be a necessity.Try to redirect your strong mother-nurture spirit to become a self-nurturer. YOU deserve it! ((HUGS)) [/QUOTE]
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