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Need help adult daughter wont talk to me.
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 514824" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>You are not a bad mother. You love her. But I learned the hard way that not accepting or criticising a SO, even if you are right about everything, alienates our grown kids. You are assuming your daughter is a victim of him and he talked her into thinking this or that about him. She is 22. She made a decision to be his SO and she knows what he is and obviously loves him. Yes, I'm sure the idea makes you sick, but I feel it is best to keep thy mouth shut because it causes kids to bond even more with their SO and against you. I suspect your best bet is to say you support her decision to be with sO (I know, I know) and to act nice to him. Let HER find out about him. If he is that bad, she will. If not, she may even marry him and as long as she is with him, they will probably make you the bad guy. She must know you are trying to influence husband to cut off the money supply.</p><p></p><p>One thing I learned from years and years of therapy: You can control only one person in this world: YOURSELF. You can not control your husband, your daughter, your cousin, your neighbor, anyone else. My son, who we adopted at six from Hong Kong, walked out of our lives. I sent begging, pleading letters followed by frustrated letters that were not so nice. I did not like his wife, but he is crazy about her. I finally, after five years, talked him into meeting me at his church and he was so arrogant and vile that I made my own decision to let him go and never demean myself with the pleading and begging bit again. Frankly, I didn't even like him, although I will always cherish our memories of when times were good. But he is different now and she has a lot to do with it. </p><p></p><p>I have four other kids and I focus on them, my husband, and my grandson. I realize there is nothing I can do to "get him back." Nor do I want him to laugh at my attempts to try to see him. I need to be able to respect myself. If he wants a relationship, he will come to me. I don't expect it and it has been so long now that I am used to it. </p><p></p><p>This is my .02, which could be wrong. </p><p></p><p>I would stop begging her for any crumbs. I would stop telling husband what to pay for...you can't control it. It's a waste of time, no matter how upset you get. I would focus on YOU...maybe find a therapist to help you. I needed one. I still see one.</p><p></p><p> In our case, son's wife is Chinese and culturally different and took a disliking to us right away due to things she perceived as slights (they were definitely differences in culture there) and there is nothing we can do about it. So it's pointless to try. There are so many other things to focus on that are good. You have two other kids. I would stop trying to get other people to do things you want them to do, no matter if it is out of love or because you are sure you are right. Bite your tongue and let it go. </p><p></p><p>Hugs...I know how you feel. Hang in there and keep us posted.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 514824, member: 1550"] You are not a bad mother. You love her. But I learned the hard way that not accepting or criticising a SO, even if you are right about everything, alienates our grown kids. You are assuming your daughter is a victim of him and he talked her into thinking this or that about him. She is 22. She made a decision to be his SO and she knows what he is and obviously loves him. Yes, I'm sure the idea makes you sick, but I feel it is best to keep thy mouth shut because it causes kids to bond even more with their SO and against you. I suspect your best bet is to say you support her decision to be with sO (I know, I know) and to act nice to him. Let HER find out about him. If he is that bad, she will. If not, she may even marry him and as long as she is with him, they will probably make you the bad guy. She must know you are trying to influence husband to cut off the money supply. One thing I learned from years and years of therapy: You can control only one person in this world: YOURSELF. You can not control your husband, your daughter, your cousin, your neighbor, anyone else. My son, who we adopted at six from Hong Kong, walked out of our lives. I sent begging, pleading letters followed by frustrated letters that were not so nice. I did not like his wife, but he is crazy about her. I finally, after five years, talked him into meeting me at his church and he was so arrogant and vile that I made my own decision to let him go and never demean myself with the pleading and begging bit again. Frankly, I didn't even like him, although I will always cherish our memories of when times were good. But he is different now and she has a lot to do with it. I have four other kids and I focus on them, my husband, and my grandson. I realize there is nothing I can do to "get him back." Nor do I want him to laugh at my attempts to try to see him. I need to be able to respect myself. If he wants a relationship, he will come to me. I don't expect it and it has been so long now that I am used to it. This is my .02, which could be wrong. I would stop begging her for any crumbs. I would stop telling husband what to pay for...you can't control it. It's a waste of time, no matter how upset you get. I would focus on YOU...maybe find a therapist to help you. I needed one. I still see one. In our case, son's wife is Chinese and culturally different and took a disliking to us right away due to things she perceived as slights (they were definitely differences in culture there) and there is nothing we can do about it. So it's pointless to try. There are so many other things to focus on that are good. You have two other kids. I would stop trying to get other people to do things you want them to do, no matter if it is out of love or because you are sure you are right. Bite your tongue and let it go. Hugs...I know how you feel. Hang in there and keep us posted. [/QUOTE]
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