The problem with sitting down a kid like this and telling him to stop - they are so incredibly single-minded and unable to think outside the square, that either this method doesn't work at all, or they will nod and smile, take it on board - then not relate it to the real problem and next time you're out, it's all on again.
There are multiple problems here, with this. We've encountered it too, but we did find we had to be firm and endure the tantrums. We did our best to reduce the tantrums andalso avoid them, but the problem with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids and this sort of problem - every time you apparently give way, you greatly reinforce the association between going out, and buying something he wants. Even if the reason you went out is to buy whatever it is!
With difficult child 3 we tried a combination of techniques to try to udo this conditioning. First - the talk, as suggested. But using Explosive Child techniques - back off before it blows up. We did the talk before we went out.
Second, we recognised that a lot of the problem was anxiety-based. If difficult child 3 (or one of the other kids - they ALL had this problem to a certian extent) wants something desperately, we have a strict rule. HE has to pay for it out of his own money, and if he hasn't got the money at the moment but it's a brilliant deal or it's on special or it's the last one or any other similar argument AND we agree that yes, it's something we're prepared to let the child have once they pay for it - then we will get it and keep it at home in what we call "family shop".
It stays in family shop until the child has paid for it. They know it's been acquired and won't be sold to someone else before they get back to the shops. This reduces much of the anxiety.
The problem can be either escalated next time you go out if the item still hasn't been redeemed by the child, or it can be reduced. it's in how you handle it next.
Because next, is a very iportnt rule - ONLY ONE ITEM IN THE FAMILY SHOP AT A TIME. That means that if on Wednesday you bought Item A and it's in family shop because difficult child needs to earn it either by donig paid-for chores or wait for next allowance instalment, and he wants you to buy Item B - sorry, we already have an item in family shop. You can't buy everything and you made achoice on Wednesday.
The effect of this, over time, is it teaches them to think a bit more before insisting that you buy something for family shop. Because once it's bought, they're locked in.
The advantage of buying it - they WILL have it, wneh they have paid for it. The disadvantage - they can't back out.
It's a real life lesson.
We first brought this in when easy child was very young and collecting Sylvanian Families for her dolls house. There was a store we used to go to, she would spend all her pocket money there. Then one day the store had a sale but she couldn't afford any more, so we decided to help her out, knowing that the store was selling off their Sylvanian Families stock cheap and wouldn't have it any more. husband & I stocked up and long after that store stopped stocking Sylvanian Families, easy child was still buying pieces off us. Even before thta, husband & I had found that if easy child saw something she desperately wanted and was rarely ever there (say, a standard lamp for the dolls house) she would be in floods of tears over whether it would ever be there again in the shop. So if we bought it for her to redeem when she could, she would relax and not stress. And if she meanwhile saw something else she wanted to buy instead - sorry, that standard lamp you HAD to have? It's first on the list. You pay out your debts first, before you spend any more elsewhere.
We developed this as a coping strategy (to help us cope with our kids' anxieties) but it turned into an iportant strategy for teaching our kids to manage their obsessions and their anxieties, as well as their finances.
I've modified this with difficult child 3 because we use a credit system to encourage him to complete his schoolwork at a certain rate. So he can redeem family shop items with cash, with vouchers or a combination of both.
The thing is - Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids are often anxiety-driven. They can be incredibly rational, rigid and determined. You can't manage them by being MORE determined because then you are guaranteed to clash and they are gonig to be stronger than you. Instead of clashing, you have to try to direct or lead. Use logic, use reasoning. But if their anxiety kicks in, you have Occupational Therapist (OT) fall back on reassurance before going back to logic.
As the child realises you are trying to help him stay calm, he often becomes more accepting of what you want from him. It does take time but it's definitely worth the effort.
With a "normal" kid, of course you should be able to say no, and if they are particularlt spoiled, then the sit down and talk first about "we can't afford this" is what you have to do.
Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) is another order of magnitude beyond this. The usual rules don't generally apply, because they just don't work.
A quick example - difficult child 1, like easy child, was in Long Day Care from 12 weeks old because I worked full-time. The child care centre was five minutes from where I worked so I was able to continue breast-feeding. But it was a long day. I would arrive at the Centre at 8 am (when they opened) and we were usually first in. I would stay until 8.15 am then head off to my work. difficult child 1 needed breakfast and the first care worker there would usually feed him his cereal for me.
I'd be back at 10 am for 20 minutes, then again at 1 pm, for an hour. There were other mothers doing what I did.
But the first worker in the place was generally the same one - Lyn. The director was very strict about workers not having favourites because if they did, that child would often cry for THAT worker and not let anyone else handle tem. Lyn somehow became difficult child 1's favourite and the director was very angry with her. Lyn kept saying, "Yes, I love the kid, but I didn't make him my favourite, I know better than that." But still difficult child 1 would cry if she left the room, every time.
Poor Lyn!
We know now what happened - it was the Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). The habit that usually causes problems in a child care centre, which they were meticulous about avoiding, we inadvertently triggered off with the early breakfast routine. With any other kid it wouldn't have caused such an intense reaction, but with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) - it happens fast. Habits build up the first time something happens. Reinforcement isn't needed but when it happens, is ten times more powerful.
With difficult child 1, Lyn did nothing wrong. Shecwas there, that was all. She just happened to be the one difficult child 1 transferred his attentions to, right after me. She was feeding him his morning cereal. It was ten minutes in the morning, but it was enough to set up the very strong bond between them. Lyn often spent more time with other kids too, but the same thing didn't happen with them.
Kids with autism can make very strong connections, very fast. Once those connections are made, it takes a grat deal more to break them. Reason is your best weapon, and reassurance. Keep reminding yourself - anxiety is often bheind this. And the more anxious the chgild, the less rational they may be.
These kids don't like feelnig anxious, they don't like throwing tantrums and the more they do, the more they hate themselves. The more they see you helping them avoid the anxiety or tha tantrum, the more they will rely on your and your wisdom, to help them stay in control. That is your way through.
Marg
