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Need help to stick to guns...
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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 129753" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>In your first posting you mentioned that the desire to call her was almost impossible to resist, and that thoughts of calling her came back and came back, no matter how you tried to distract yourself. I remember those times, too. I found it helped me to go ahead and grieve the loss I was feeling. For me in that time, and I think for you now Carolanne, the pain and the unremitting wish to make contact are what we allow ourselves to feel when we know that what we really want ~ to love our children and to have a normal, loving relationship with them ~ is never going to happen. Still, we want it so badly that we convince ourselves, down on some level where we can't really address it, that if we just tried one more time, things would be different. For me, all kinds of other thoughts would come barging in next ~ things I might have said or done differently, ways I could behave differently now, horrible imagery of how much I was needed ~ awful stuff. If I could sit still with myself, the real reason for the pain would overwhelm me.</p><p></p><p>But at least it would be out in the open.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes it helped me to light a candle for my son. Other times, I would write him letters I knew he would never see. I just missed him so much that I had to do something concrete to bring the feelings back to something I could function around. Sometimes, I would set a place for him at the table. All these things sound so futile, but they helped me to focus on the reason I was feeling so out of control. </p><p></p><p>I missed my son.</p><p></p><p>Just like you are missing your daughter ~ the smell and the feel of her, the sound of her voice, now.</p><p></p><p></p><p>You are right about the way the relationship would go if you were to contact her now, I think. I know this because there were so many times when I did call, or when we did run down to where he was living. And everytime, it was a mistake to do that. </p><p></p><p>Are you attending Al-Anon meetings? Being in the company of those who can understand your grief will help you to get through this part. </p><p></p><p>The other thing I would add is that I could only begin to heal once I acknowledged how traumatic the loss of my child was ~ and I did lose a child, and so have you, Carolanne. The things the kids are living through now are not the things we wished for our children. There have been times when I have hated the person who seemed to be holding my good boy hostage. These are such confusing feelings. Talking about them with those who have not walked in our shoes leaves us feeling like we are making a big deal out of nothing,or that we should be stronger ~ or, worse yet, that we are somehow to blame for the situations our children have chosen for themselves.</p><p></p><p>The truth is that we are not to blame. No one is to blame. Our children are suffering. We are suffering. If we can acknowledge that what we are feeling is grief, if we can own those feelings and mourn our very real losses, then we can begin to heal.</p><p></p><p>Finally, if you can remember that you are teaching your daughter how to treat you, I think you will be able to accept the pain that comes with change more easily. This is going to be a long, hard journey but at the end, if you stay strong, if you refuse to compromise or allow old patterns of behavior to be good enough, you may be able to bring your daughter back to you healthy and whole.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry this is happening Carolanne.</p><p></p><p>I know how hard it is.</p><p></p><p>I think you are doing the things that need to be done, now.</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 129753, member: 1721"] In your first posting you mentioned that the desire to call her was almost impossible to resist, and that thoughts of calling her came back and came back, no matter how you tried to distract yourself. I remember those times, too. I found it helped me to go ahead and grieve the loss I was feeling. For me in that time, and I think for you now Carolanne, the pain and the unremitting wish to make contact are what we allow ourselves to feel when we know that what we really want ~ to love our children and to have a normal, loving relationship with them ~ is never going to happen. Still, we want it so badly that we convince ourselves, down on some level where we can't really address it, that if we just tried one more time, things would be different. For me, all kinds of other thoughts would come barging in next ~ things I might have said or done differently, ways I could behave differently now, horrible imagery of how much I was needed ~ awful stuff. If I could sit still with myself, the real reason for the pain would overwhelm me. But at least it would be out in the open. Sometimes it helped me to light a candle for my son. Other times, I would write him letters I knew he would never see. I just missed him so much that I had to do something concrete to bring the feelings back to something I could function around. Sometimes, I would set a place for him at the table. All these things sound so futile, but they helped me to focus on the reason I was feeling so out of control. I missed my son. Just like you are missing your daughter ~ the smell and the feel of her, the sound of her voice, now. You are right about the way the relationship would go if you were to contact her now, I think. I know this because there were so many times when I did call, or when we did run down to where he was living. And everytime, it was a mistake to do that. Are you attending Al-Anon meetings? Being in the company of those who can understand your grief will help you to get through this part. The other thing I would add is that I could only begin to heal once I acknowledged how traumatic the loss of my child was ~ and I did lose a child, and so have you, Carolanne. The things the kids are living through now are not the things we wished for our children. There have been times when I have hated the person who seemed to be holding my good boy hostage. These are such confusing feelings. Talking about them with those who have not walked in our shoes leaves us feeling like we are making a big deal out of nothing,or that we should be stronger ~ or, worse yet, that we are somehow to blame for the situations our children have chosen for themselves. The truth is that we are not to blame. No one is to blame. Our children are suffering. We are suffering. If we can acknowledge that what we are feeling is grief, if we can own those feelings and mourn our very real losses, then we can begin to heal. Finally, if you can remember that you are teaching your daughter how to treat you, I think you will be able to accept the pain that comes with change more easily. This is going to be a long, hard journey but at the end, if you stay strong, if you refuse to compromise or allow old patterns of behavior to be good enough, you may be able to bring your daughter back to you healthy and whole. I am sorry this is happening Carolanne. I know how hard it is. I think you are doing the things that need to be done, now. Barbara [/QUOTE]
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