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Need Help With Boundaries
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<blockquote data-quote="trinityroyal" data-source="post: 257059" data-attributes="member: 3907"><p>ML, this is a very hard one.</p><p></p><p>First off, I don't think that you should be the one who has to enforce the rules, however much say you have in establishing them. husband should be the one to communicate the expectations and enforce them if necessary. Having you do it encourages triangulation. It puts you in the role of the Wicked Stepmother, and lets difficult child complain to his dad about you. Not a good situation for any of you.</p><p></p><p>You and husband definitely need to be on the same page as to expectations.</p><p></p><p>Now, a few suggestions about what you should be expecting.</p><p></p><p>I think $250 rent is quite reasonable. Certainly much less than he would be paying for an apartment or something, and it helps to cover your added expenses. I think this is non-negotiable as it helps to keep things in the adult realm. </p><p></p><p>I also think that you should decide on the house rules that you expect to be followed, the same way you would for a stranger or acquaintance renting space in your house.</p><p>For example:</p><p>1) Dishes to be done within a certain time frame after meals are complete</p><p>2) Meals are served at x, y and z times. If you miss meal time, you're on your own</p><p>3) Access to laundry facilities is between a and b. Do not leave your clothes unattended in the machines or they will be removed.</p><p>4) Tidy up after yourself. You make a mess in the kitchen, you clean it. Etc.</p><p></p><p>Other than those basic rules, I would leave everything else alone. It's hard, but what you want to establish is more of a roommate or a landlord/tenant situation than a parent-child situation. It takes a lot of the tension out.</p><p></p><p>Hope this helps,</p><p>Trinity</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="trinityroyal, post: 257059, member: 3907"] ML, this is a very hard one. First off, I don't think that you should be the one who has to enforce the rules, however much say you have in establishing them. husband should be the one to communicate the expectations and enforce them if necessary. Having you do it encourages triangulation. It puts you in the role of the Wicked Stepmother, and lets difficult child complain to his dad about you. Not a good situation for any of you. You and husband definitely need to be on the same page as to expectations. Now, a few suggestions about what you should be expecting. I think $250 rent is quite reasonable. Certainly much less than he would be paying for an apartment or something, and it helps to cover your added expenses. I think this is non-negotiable as it helps to keep things in the adult realm. I also think that you should decide on the house rules that you expect to be followed, the same way you would for a stranger or acquaintance renting space in your house. For example: 1) Dishes to be done within a certain time frame after meals are complete 2) Meals are served at x, y and z times. If you miss meal time, you're on your own 3) Access to laundry facilities is between a and b. Do not leave your clothes unattended in the machines or they will be removed. 4) Tidy up after yourself. You make a mess in the kitchen, you clean it. Etc. Other than those basic rules, I would leave everything else alone. It's hard, but what you want to establish is more of a roommate or a landlord/tenant situation than a parent-child situation. It takes a lot of the tension out. Hope this helps, Trinity [/QUOTE]
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