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Need input on excessive rudeness from 17/yo
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 91094" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>We've been through stages of this in various forms. I've also had other kids with me that I've corrected - kids I'm transporting in my car to school events, for example.</p><p></p><p>If you do nothing, you endorse this attitude and behaviour as acceptable. Or at least tolerable. And clearly, for you it is not. To allow this to continue is to give him tacit permission to do this not only to you now, but to you in the future and every other person he deals with in the future (including prospective future wives - do you WANT him to have the success rate of his father?). So I think you need to speak up.</p><p></p><p>What I do - I stop the car, turn around and say (quietly, calmly), "Now where did that remark come from? Why do you say these things? If it is to sound 'cool', please be aware that I do not consider them cool and I do not expect to hear them in my presence. Now please - explain to me WHY you found that person so offensive just now - what was it about tat person that made you feel this comment was appropriate? Now let's analyse it..."</p><p></p><p>I analyse them to death, basically. We take apart what they said and why, turn it around to show it really was a stupid thing to say. </p><p></p><p>Part of this is to teach them that rude comments like this impress nobody; but another important thing for a difficult child is to teach them to communicate more effectively. it is surprising how few of them can really explain themselves, and this is tragic. So if a kid says to me, "Oh, what a stupid idiot that driver is!" I make him explain WHY he considers it stupid, to justify his remark as if to a debating judge, and we usually end up with the ACTION may have been ill-advised because it contravenes the law which was designed for the following purpose...etc, but the PERSON may actually be quite intelligent.</p><p></p><p>A lot of these things you classify as 'rude' are really just blanket statements, derogatory remarks directed to the world as a whole. These are also the ways of someone who is setting himself up for failure against the world. If everyone is an idiot, a dumb-whatever, then he can feel superior without actually having to work at it like normal people, and he can also have the perfect excuse for not working at it - "why bother? I'll only get sabotaged by all the idiots around."</p><p></p><p>I agree, if he's hearing it from his father then he's emulating him - the male role model is on a pedestal - but you don't have to tolerate it. </p><p></p><p>But don't yell at him about it - simply state firmly but politely, "I do not find that talk acceptable, I do not expect to hear it in my presence. You want things from me, such as transport - kindly show me respect by curbing your inappropriate comments."</p><p></p><p>Another way to handle it is to insist that for every mean thing he says, he must say two genuinely nice things about that person/car/object. And they must be honest.</p><p></p><p>And you CAN enforce this, if you refuse to drive him any further until he complies. Or you can insist he gets his own meal, does his own washing, earns his own money, until he DOES comply. If he gets shirty about it, explain it is a matter of respect - respect for himself, respect for you, respect for people around him. And to make this work, you must show him respect, even if he is not showing it to you. Your weapon is his needs.</p><p></p><p>And if he calls your bluff - then you have the joy of seeing him develop more skills towards his eventual independence.</p><p></p><p>win-win-win-win-...</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 91094, member: 1991"] We've been through stages of this in various forms. I've also had other kids with me that I've corrected - kids I'm transporting in my car to school events, for example. If you do nothing, you endorse this attitude and behaviour as acceptable. Or at least tolerable. And clearly, for you it is not. To allow this to continue is to give him tacit permission to do this not only to you now, but to you in the future and every other person he deals with in the future (including prospective future wives - do you WANT him to have the success rate of his father?). So I think you need to speak up. What I do - I stop the car, turn around and say (quietly, calmly), "Now where did that remark come from? Why do you say these things? If it is to sound 'cool', please be aware that I do not consider them cool and I do not expect to hear them in my presence. Now please - explain to me WHY you found that person so offensive just now - what was it about tat person that made you feel this comment was appropriate? Now let's analyse it..." I analyse them to death, basically. We take apart what they said and why, turn it around to show it really was a stupid thing to say. Part of this is to teach them that rude comments like this impress nobody; but another important thing for a difficult child is to teach them to communicate more effectively. it is surprising how few of them can really explain themselves, and this is tragic. So if a kid says to me, "Oh, what a stupid idiot that driver is!" I make him explain WHY he considers it stupid, to justify his remark as if to a debating judge, and we usually end up with the ACTION may have been ill-advised because it contravenes the law which was designed for the following purpose...etc, but the PERSON may actually be quite intelligent. A lot of these things you classify as 'rude' are really just blanket statements, derogatory remarks directed to the world as a whole. These are also the ways of someone who is setting himself up for failure against the world. If everyone is an idiot, a dumb-whatever, then he can feel superior without actually having to work at it like normal people, and he can also have the perfect excuse for not working at it - "why bother? I'll only get sabotaged by all the idiots around." I agree, if he's hearing it from his father then he's emulating him - the male role model is on a pedestal - but you don't have to tolerate it. But don't yell at him about it - simply state firmly but politely, "I do not find that talk acceptable, I do not expect to hear it in my presence. You want things from me, such as transport - kindly show me respect by curbing your inappropriate comments." Another way to handle it is to insist that for every mean thing he says, he must say two genuinely nice things about that person/car/object. And they must be honest. And you CAN enforce this, if you refuse to drive him any further until he complies. Or you can insist he gets his own meal, does his own washing, earns his own money, until he DOES comply. If he gets shirty about it, explain it is a matter of respect - respect for himself, respect for you, respect for people around him. And to make this work, you must show him respect, even if he is not showing it to you. Your weapon is his needs. And if he calls your bluff - then you have the joy of seeing him develop more skills towards his eventual independence. win-win-win-win-... Marg [/QUOTE]
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