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General Parenting
Need input on excessive rudeness from 17/yo
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 91872" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Question (Star raises her hand) </p><p></p><p>Has anyone asked him WHAT makes him happy? If the answer is NOTHING = explore what NOTHING gets him. </p><p></p><p>Has anyone asked him WHAT makes him sad? If the answer is EVERYTHING= you all have a lot of work cut out; a lot, but not impossible. </p><p></p><p>I think sometimes we concentrate on the hateful words so much that we tend to forget the underlying reason FOR the spewing. When difficult child went through this very brief hateful period - he was also pooping his pants and making gestures to people twice his size. </p><p></p><p>I made it quite clear that I did not raise him to be like this</p><p>He said: You don't live in MY world</p><p>That opened the door for him to tell me WHAT his world was like. Once I had a better picture of his day to day teenage anxiety (and he was right, we did NOT have the same problems as they do, it's a lot worse now than it was 25 years ago when we went to school or socialized) For the most part - we got along racially, ethically but our school was divided economically and clickety click click clicks. He has to go to school and deal with tons of junk we never had to. Gangs, more drugs, 2 parent households that worked and have no supervision moreso than not, Guns in school, higher (albeit we live in SC so that's not the case) educational standards, petifiles, parents that are difficult child to the nth degree and their list goes on and on. </p><p></p><p>I don't know if I was a teen right now if I wouldn't be sullen and dark too. There is no place to go to get away from it. </p><p></p><p>We took difficult child to the farm 2500 miles from here almost to Canada. We cut him loose up there with all the kids that really don't have a clue about what goes on down where we live. They were all polite, not a difficult child in the bunch...pleasant, worked like dogs, and difficult child didn't utter one ugly thing the entire time he was there. The trip up? OH HOW I WANTED TO KNOW YOU COULD DUCT TAPE A SMART MOUTH KID TO THE ROOF AND NOT GO TO JAIL. </p><p></p><p>On the trip home? He was a different kid, he's always been a social butterfly like his mother, but the hateful things stopped. I have said before I'll stop and give a homeless person something to drink or eat, some cash if I have it. I'll hug them, ask how they are doing. And my son SAW this the entire time he was growing up. Some where along the lines of being a teen he lost the ability to have any empathy for anyone other than his miserable self and EVERYONE was a (fill in the blank) I would tell him how Albert - the homeless guy lost his legs in a construction accident, had no home, no money, no bed to sleep in - and the shelters here? I took him....let him see for himself when he would mouth off and call names saying "GO get a room at a shelter you bum." You wouldn't allow your dog in most of them. </p><p>I'm not saying go on a crusade to hug the homeless, I'm the only one I know that does that, but maybe you could take him somewhere that he could see his misery and outlashing aren't worth the effort he's putting into it. </p><p></p><p>My son kept on and on about toys one year, so we went to the childrens cancer ward - He was silent the entire trip home. The kids who were dying had better attitudes than him - I told him it was a matter of choice. The school took him to the nursing home and that stopped it all together. He still wants to volunteer there. I told him with his language barrier he wouldn't be appreciated for who he is. He said "Well I wouldn't talk like that in there" and I said "Then you don't need to talk like that anywhere." </p><p></p><p>I wish you luck.....Just keep telling him how he talks is a reflection of his character, and the definition of character is how you behave when you think no one is looking or listening. </p><p></p><p>Hugs</p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 91872, member: 4964"] Question (Star raises her hand) Has anyone asked him WHAT makes him happy? If the answer is NOTHING = explore what NOTHING gets him. Has anyone asked him WHAT makes him sad? If the answer is EVERYTHING= you all have a lot of work cut out; a lot, but not impossible. I think sometimes we concentrate on the hateful words so much that we tend to forget the underlying reason FOR the spewing. When difficult child went through this very brief hateful period - he was also pooping his pants and making gestures to people twice his size. I made it quite clear that I did not raise him to be like this He said: You don't live in MY world That opened the door for him to tell me WHAT his world was like. Once I had a better picture of his day to day teenage anxiety (and he was right, we did NOT have the same problems as they do, it's a lot worse now than it was 25 years ago when we went to school or socialized) For the most part - we got along racially, ethically but our school was divided economically and clickety click click clicks. He has to go to school and deal with tons of junk we never had to. Gangs, more drugs, 2 parent households that worked and have no supervision moreso than not, Guns in school, higher (albeit we live in SC so that's not the case) educational standards, petifiles, parents that are difficult child to the nth degree and their list goes on and on. I don't know if I was a teen right now if I wouldn't be sullen and dark too. There is no place to go to get away from it. We took difficult child to the farm 2500 miles from here almost to Canada. We cut him loose up there with all the kids that really don't have a clue about what goes on down where we live. They were all polite, not a difficult child in the bunch...pleasant, worked like dogs, and difficult child didn't utter one ugly thing the entire time he was there. The trip up? OH HOW I WANTED TO KNOW YOU COULD DUCT TAPE A SMART MOUTH KID TO THE ROOF AND NOT GO TO JAIL. On the trip home? He was a different kid, he's always been a social butterfly like his mother, but the hateful things stopped. I have said before I'll stop and give a homeless person something to drink or eat, some cash if I have it. I'll hug them, ask how they are doing. And my son SAW this the entire time he was growing up. Some where along the lines of being a teen he lost the ability to have any empathy for anyone other than his miserable self and EVERYONE was a (fill in the blank) I would tell him how Albert - the homeless guy lost his legs in a construction accident, had no home, no money, no bed to sleep in - and the shelters here? I took him....let him see for himself when he would mouth off and call names saying "GO get a room at a shelter you bum." You wouldn't allow your dog in most of them. I'm not saying go on a crusade to hug the homeless, I'm the only one I know that does that, but maybe you could take him somewhere that he could see his misery and outlashing aren't worth the effort he's putting into it. My son kept on and on about toys one year, so we went to the childrens cancer ward - He was silent the entire trip home. The kids who were dying had better attitudes than him - I told him it was a matter of choice. The school took him to the nursing home and that stopped it all together. He still wants to volunteer there. I told him with his language barrier he wouldn't be appreciated for who he is. He said "Well I wouldn't talk like that in there" and I said "Then you don't need to talk like that anywhere." I wish you luck.....Just keep telling him how he talks is a reflection of his character, and the definition of character is how you behave when you think no one is looking or listening. Hugs Star [/QUOTE]
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