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Need Input, Please - Email from gfg32's girlfriend has me shaken
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 621337" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>SS---I am just getting to the board to reread your post and give it some thought. I am sorry for the delay and so glad others were here immediately for you. Just reading her words, I started feeling weak and shaky and not sure myself, as I have asked myself many of those same questions in the dark night of the soul about my own son. Am I abandoning him just when he needs someone the most? How could I, his mother, leave him on the street? He won't ever get turned around without somebody's help, and usually the Mom is the last man standing, so where am I as he lives who knows where? </p><p></p><p>I have thought many of those things myself. So my first thought is, wow, she is GOOD. She goes right for the jugular. Sounds like she has some good practice of her own, perhaps. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You betcha they are different, chickie-boom (that's what I call, facetiously, girls like her). </p><p></p><p>And walking that line---some days it is a thin line with barely a toehold, and other days it's as wide as a stripe with a firm place for two feet---is a day to day decision that only ONE Person can decide about. She can't decide for you and you can't decide for her. How about some respect, you licensed therapist, you? How about some boundaries? </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Really? I'd like to know how. Is she drug testing him? If not, she doesn't know squat. (makes me mad, this all-knowing arrogance of hers)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Aha! Now we get to the crust of the biscuit with chickie-boom! She's a difficult child too! Now, she's doing HIS dirty work for him. Isn't that nice of her?</p><p></p><p>And he's letting her. </p><p></p><p>What does that say about the two of them?</p><p></p><p>She needs to hang out her shingle, start taking some clients....and hey, you know, start EARNING A LIVING HERSELF, since she is a "licensed therapist" and quit living off mommy and daddy and grandmommy and grandpoppy. (guess you tell I'm steaming here...)</p><p></p><p>I HOPE she can do a better job counseling others as trying to counsel her own situation demonstrates a pretty shabby thought process and approach. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yep. She's done all she is going to do, and so she wants to hand him back to mommy. Since he isn't having any traction with mommy, well, I'll take care of this. I'll set your mommy straight, difficult child. I'll tell her how all wrong she is.</p><p></p><p>SS---I would suggest to chickie-boom that you've been doing this a heck of a lot longer than she has. You're his MOTHER. You've been there and done that, a million times more than she's ever even thought about. So don't tell YOU what YOU need to do, if you don't mind. (Wow, I could go on and on...this is pretty darn therapeutic!).</p><p></p><p>This also calls to mind one night when my son's longtime girlfriend (now ex of course, he burned that bridge and she was a big enabler so it wasn't a good combo even though she is a very sweet girl) called me frantically one night. She was standing there at her house with her parents. My son had evidently gone over there (with her) and while they were there, he stole cash from a drawer in their kitchen. They were calling me to see what I was going to do about it. This was about 2.5 years ago and luckily I had some recovery under my belt. I told them how sorry I was that that had happened. She said, well, my dad wants to talk to you (keep in mind I have never met this person) but I said sure. He reiterated the whole thing again to me, and I just listened. He was upset (and rightly so). I said again, I'm very sorry this has happened and my son has done this. Please do whatever you need to do. </p><p></p><p>There was silence. He said, well, I'm thinking about calling the police. I said, I completely understand that, and if that is what you decide, please go ahead and do it. </p><p></p><p>I also said: my son wasn't raised like this. He is addicted to drugs and alcohol and he is operating out of that addiction. I am really sorry this has happened, but I can't control what he does. Please do whatever you have to do. </p><p></p><p>He immediately calmed down and we hung up respectfully.</p><p></p><p>Others have not been where we have been, SS. I try to remember that always. And they can't get what they aren't ready to get. Unfortunately, most of us have to walk the path of experience. We have to KNOW we tried every single frickin' thing on God's green earth before we realized NOTHING was going to change what an addict decides to do except HIMSELF. NOTHING. N.O.T.H.I.N.G. Nothing. </p><p></p><p>And now, SS, I am sorry that your son is living in a hotel. I am glad he is showing up for work. I am sorry that once he doesn't get work that day, he doesn't realize he can use that day to make another plan. I am sorry that he is sitting and waiting for someone to save him instead of doing something, one day at a time, doing SOMETHING, just one thing different, to change his situation. I am sorry he doesn't get together with other people in the same situation and see if they can get a place to live together. I am sorry he isn't willing to live in a shelter for three weeks while he does work that fast-food job and get that first paycheck. I am sorry about all of it. I am sorry he doesn't try to rent a room somewhere that is cheaper than a hotel. Etc. Etc. Etc. There are lots of things people can do, if they will only TRY. </p><p></p><p>And I am sorry that this girlfriend is in his life, because she is a user and an enabler herself, and unless she decides to change, they aren't a good pair either.</p><p></p><p>But MOST of all, SS, I am thinking of YOU. Hang in there. You are staying the course. You are not reacting to crazy stuff. Keep the faith. Just for today. Hugs and warmth and blessings go out to you today.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 621337, member: 17542"] SS---I am just getting to the board to reread your post and give it some thought. I am sorry for the delay and so glad others were here immediately for you. Just reading her words, I started feeling weak and shaky and not sure myself, as I have asked myself many of those same questions in the dark night of the soul about my own son. Am I abandoning him just when he needs someone the most? How could I, his mother, leave him on the street? He won't ever get turned around without somebody's help, and usually the Mom is the last man standing, so where am I as he lives who knows where? I have thought many of those things myself. So my first thought is, wow, she is GOOD. She goes right for the jugular. Sounds like she has some good practice of her own, perhaps. You betcha they are different, chickie-boom (that's what I call, facetiously, girls like her). And walking that line---some days it is a thin line with barely a toehold, and other days it's as wide as a stripe with a firm place for two feet---is a day to day decision that only ONE Person can decide about. She can't decide for you and you can't decide for her. How about some respect, you licensed therapist, you? How about some boundaries? Really? I'd like to know how. Is she drug testing him? If not, she doesn't know squat. (makes me mad, this all-knowing arrogance of hers) Aha! Now we get to the crust of the biscuit with chickie-boom! She's a difficult child too! Now, she's doing HIS dirty work for him. Isn't that nice of her? And he's letting her. What does that say about the two of them? She needs to hang out her shingle, start taking some clients....and hey, you know, start EARNING A LIVING HERSELF, since she is a "licensed therapist" and quit living off mommy and daddy and grandmommy and grandpoppy. (guess you tell I'm steaming here...) I HOPE she can do a better job counseling others as trying to counsel her own situation demonstrates a pretty shabby thought process and approach. Yep. She's done all she is going to do, and so she wants to hand him back to mommy. Since he isn't having any traction with mommy, well, I'll take care of this. I'll set your mommy straight, difficult child. I'll tell her how all wrong she is. SS---I would suggest to chickie-boom that you've been doing this a heck of a lot longer than she has. You're his MOTHER. You've been there and done that, a million times more than she's ever even thought about. So don't tell YOU what YOU need to do, if you don't mind. (Wow, I could go on and on...this is pretty darn therapeutic!). This also calls to mind one night when my son's longtime girlfriend (now ex of course, he burned that bridge and she was a big enabler so it wasn't a good combo even though she is a very sweet girl) called me frantically one night. She was standing there at her house with her parents. My son had evidently gone over there (with her) and while they were there, he stole cash from a drawer in their kitchen. They were calling me to see what I was going to do about it. This was about 2.5 years ago and luckily I had some recovery under my belt. I told them how sorry I was that that had happened. She said, well, my dad wants to talk to you (keep in mind I have never met this person) but I said sure. He reiterated the whole thing again to me, and I just listened. He was upset (and rightly so). I said again, I'm very sorry this has happened and my son has done this. Please do whatever you need to do. There was silence. He said, well, I'm thinking about calling the police. I said, I completely understand that, and if that is what you decide, please go ahead and do it. I also said: my son wasn't raised like this. He is addicted to drugs and alcohol and he is operating out of that addiction. I am really sorry this has happened, but I can't control what he does. Please do whatever you have to do. He immediately calmed down and we hung up respectfully. Others have not been where we have been, SS. I try to remember that always. And they can't get what they aren't ready to get. Unfortunately, most of us have to walk the path of experience. We have to KNOW we tried every single frickin' thing on God's green earth before we realized NOTHING was going to change what an addict decides to do except HIMSELF. NOTHING. N.O.T.H.I.N.G. Nothing. And now, SS, I am sorry that your son is living in a hotel. I am glad he is showing up for work. I am sorry that once he doesn't get work that day, he doesn't realize he can use that day to make another plan. I am sorry that he is sitting and waiting for someone to save him instead of doing something, one day at a time, doing SOMETHING, just one thing different, to change his situation. I am sorry he doesn't get together with other people in the same situation and see if they can get a place to live together. I am sorry he isn't willing to live in a shelter for three weeks while he does work that fast-food job and get that first paycheck. I am sorry about all of it. I am sorry he doesn't try to rent a room somewhere that is cheaper than a hotel. Etc. Etc. Etc. There are lots of things people can do, if they will only TRY. And I am sorry that this girlfriend is in his life, because she is a user and an enabler herself, and unless she decides to change, they aren't a good pair either. But MOST of all, SS, I am thinking of YOU. Hang in there. You are staying the course. You are not reacting to crazy stuff. Keep the faith. Just for today. Hugs and warmth and blessings go out to you today. [/QUOTE]
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Need Input, Please - Email from gfg32's girlfriend has me shaken
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