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Need Input, Please - Email from gfg32's girlfriend has me shaken
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 621483" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>husband and I did move, SS. </p><p></p><p>So has Witzend. </p><p></p><p>husband and I built a house in a great neighborhood when the kids were like, one and three. We moved away when they were both in their twenties. By that time, that beautiful house we'd built felt like a dungeon. When I think of it to this day, it looms on the horizon, the windows blanks of glass and all the flowers dead. </p><p></p><p>The neighbors we once cherished and laughed with ~ I don't know whether we changed or they did, but everything changed, in our neighborhood. </p><p></p><p>This is another, different kind of loss parents sustain through the raising of a difficult child. I understand now that I am not the only one. I did not know that, did not have this site, as we were going through it. The loss of friends, of self respect and other respect, the loss of social structure, of that feeling of goodwill in our neighborhood...all so personal to us, and all seeming so unimportant compared to losing our kids, one to mental illness, one to addiction. There have been such black times, for us. The loss of who we were in the eyes of our peers, and of who we'd believed ourselves to be as successful young marrieds raising their family. Also, we lost our reputations as good parents IN our families. Every social occasion during that time was haunted by unspoken questions about what had really been going on behind closed doors in our house.</p><p></p><p>It is only recently that our daughter was diagnosed. </p><p></p><p>Our son...I don't know what's the matter with him. But he is so much like your GFG32, like MWM's 36, like BITS son and father.</p><p></p><p>It sounds strange to say, but I think you will understand when I tell you I am so grateful to know there are other parents going through the same, exact, things that are happening with my son. I have described your sons' activities to my husband. The things our sons do are so eerily similar that it could be one person, one interchangeable person, doing the same things to all of us. I am talking right down to verbiage in the emails.</p><p></p><p>So, unless we parented exactly the same way...our sons are acting out the aftermath of addiction. Has the chemical imbalance responsible for the addict's high destroyed some essential something in their brains? I don't know that, either. What I do know is that life is so short. I know I still love my husband, still cherish spending time with him. I know that as I heal, as I recover myself and my self respect after these horrible years of loving dysfunctional children, that I never want to go back to that place, again.</p><p></p><p>We do so much here on the site about personal growth. I think it is necessary to anticipate and require a time of healing for ourselves. We parents have been and are being (and may always be) traumatized by our vicious, drug addicted kids. We are so vulnerable to them because we do love them.</p><p></p><p>There is no solution.</p><p></p><p>Nothing is going to make this alright.</p><p></p><p>Sooner or later, we will decide whether we are going to survive it, or whether we are going to continue to "help" our vicious, drug addicted kids (which always turns out, pretty much, to mean paying for their drugs, one way or another).</p><p></p><p>It is the situation that is bad. There is no good solution to a bad situation. Whatever we do, we are going to look and feel badly for a time.</p><p></p><p>I decided to live.</p><p></p><p>I am reclaiming my life.</p><p></p><p>I am so grateful for each of you, for all of you, here on this site.</p><p></p><p>Without you, I would never have known anything more than victimization at the hands of a vicious adult child.</p><p></p><p>It is not a good thing to see...but it is better to see.</p><p></p><p>So I do.</p><p></p><p>I am so sorry this is happening to you, too.</p><p></p><p>There is strength in coming together, SS. I am so glad you are here, so glad we can share our stories and our strength and our pain.</p><p></p><p>You and husband will come through this. You have a different perspective, now. No one who has not dealt with an addicted child can ever understand.</p><p></p><p>This FB campaign your son is conducting <u>consciously and with malice aforethought </u>...our difficult child son has done the same, only he said terrible things about us to husband's family members on personal visits to them. Know when this happened? As difficult child son and his family were staying in our home on "vacation." What difficult child was looking for was to come live at our house while they got settled in the area.</p><p></p><p>We had set a time limit.</p><p></p><p>difficult child did not like that.</p><p></p><p>Someone here posted this response: "Please pray for my son. He is going through such a hard time right now. I love him so much."</p><p></p><p>I like that response, very much.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 621483, member: 17461"] husband and I did move, SS. So has Witzend. husband and I built a house in a great neighborhood when the kids were like, one and three. We moved away when they were both in their twenties. By that time, that beautiful house we'd built felt like a dungeon. When I think of it to this day, it looms on the horizon, the windows blanks of glass and all the flowers dead. The neighbors we once cherished and laughed with ~ I don't know whether we changed or they did, but everything changed, in our neighborhood. This is another, different kind of loss parents sustain through the raising of a difficult child. I understand now that I am not the only one. I did not know that, did not have this site, as we were going through it. The loss of friends, of self respect and other respect, the loss of social structure, of that feeling of goodwill in our neighborhood...all so personal to us, and all seeming so unimportant compared to losing our kids, one to mental illness, one to addiction. There have been such black times, for us. The loss of who we were in the eyes of our peers, and of who we'd believed ourselves to be as successful young marrieds raising their family. Also, we lost our reputations as good parents IN our families. Every social occasion during that time was haunted by unspoken questions about what had really been going on behind closed doors in our house. It is only recently that our daughter was diagnosed. Our son...I don't know what's the matter with him. But he is so much like your GFG32, like MWM's 36, like BITS son and father. It sounds strange to say, but I think you will understand when I tell you I am so grateful to know there are other parents going through the same, exact, things that are happening with my son. I have described your sons' activities to my husband. The things our sons do are so eerily similar that it could be one person, one interchangeable person, doing the same things to all of us. I am talking right down to verbiage in the emails. So, unless we parented exactly the same way...our sons are acting out the aftermath of addiction. Has the chemical imbalance responsible for the addict's high destroyed some essential something in their brains? I don't know that, either. What I do know is that life is so short. I know I still love my husband, still cherish spending time with him. I know that as I heal, as I recover myself and my self respect after these horrible years of loving dysfunctional children, that I never want to go back to that place, again. We do so much here on the site about personal growth. I think it is necessary to anticipate and require a time of healing for ourselves. We parents have been and are being (and may always be) traumatized by our vicious, drug addicted kids. We are so vulnerable to them because we do love them. There is no solution. Nothing is going to make this alright. Sooner or later, we will decide whether we are going to survive it, or whether we are going to continue to "help" our vicious, drug addicted kids (which always turns out, pretty much, to mean paying for their drugs, one way or another). It is the situation that is bad. There is no good solution to a bad situation. Whatever we do, we are going to look and feel badly for a time. I decided to live. I am reclaiming my life. I am so grateful for each of you, for all of you, here on this site. Without you, I would never have known anything more than victimization at the hands of a vicious adult child. It is not a good thing to see...but it is better to see. So I do. I am so sorry this is happening to you, too. There is strength in coming together, SS. I am so glad you are here, so glad we can share our stories and our strength and our pain. You and husband will come through this. You have a different perspective, now. No one who has not dealt with an addicted child can ever understand. This FB campaign your son is conducting [U]consciously and with malice aforethought [/U]...our difficult child son has done the same, only he said terrible things about us to husband's family members on personal visits to them. Know when this happened? As difficult child son and his family were staying in our home on "vacation." What difficult child was looking for was to come live at our house while they got settled in the area. We had set a time limit. difficult child did not like that. Someone here posted this response: "Please pray for my son. He is going through such a hard time right now. I love him so much." I like that response, very much. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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Need Input, Please - Email from gfg32's girlfriend has me shaken
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