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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 620179" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Wow. Hi, there. I am soooooooooooo sorry and, believe it or not, MANY of us have been in your shoes. You would probably do better posting in Parent Emeritus where we are parents of adult children who are not so different from yours. This forum is for kids who are not yet eighteen and it's different.</p><p></p><p>In Parent Emeritus some of us are downright scared of our grown kids. Some have been assaulted. Most are drug addicts or were. And most do not live at home anymore because we finally threw them out for our sanity and protection.</p><p></p><p>My first words are that none of this is your fault. Your son is like he is because he's like he is. He chooses to be a jerk, like most of our grown adult kids. Yes, we love them, but we can not live with them and some of us can't even have much of a relationship with them. You should never ever allow a violent person, no matter who it is, to live with you. He doesn't have to recover in your home. If he didn't have you, he'd have to find somewhere else to recover. If he's going to try to scare and intimidate you, I would tell him he will have to recover somewehre else, maybe getting help from a visiting nurse. Where will he go? That is up to him to find somewhere. Our kids, especially those using drugs, tend to find places to couch surf and get money, even if they have to learn how to panhandle. I would cut out the free bank to him now. He is certainly not deserving of your money and support and he is of age when he can get a job, even if it's cleaning toilets, and take care of his own needs. If necessary, he can try to collect welfare and Medicaid and food stamps.</p><p></p><p>The hardest thing most of us moms have had to figure out is that we can not CAN NOT change anybody but ourselves. That includes our grown kids. They have to want to change and do all the hard work themselves. They rarely do that in our comfy homes. They need motivation. If your son threatens you, I would call 911 right away. And right now, I would tell him that as soon as he is able to walk, he is being evicted. Check your state laws regarding this. You will probably have to change the locks. Has he stolen from you? Hit you? Hit his siblings? Been in jail? Threatened to kill himself in a manner which will make you scared so that you do what he wants? Tell you how his behavior is all your fault because you did this or that when he was five years old? Don't buy into their common and familiar little "my wrong is because of YOU." Don't let him guilt you. He is 20 years old and he is responsible for every wrong turn he takes. And you can't MAKE him do anything that he doesn't want to do. There is no excuse for his behavior.</p><p></p><p>This is not an easy journey, although it's more common than you probably think. I'm going to clue in the great women and men at Parent Emeritus that you are here a nd I hope they can state it better than I can. You will never be alone or misunderstood again if you post here. by the way, you and your wife need counseling together and if she insists that your violent son live with her, then you may have to consider drastic options, such as moving out. It is not good for you, your wife or even your ill son to enable his terrible and criminal behavior. You can not control your wife, but you can control with your own reaction to what you want to do with the rest of your life. Do you want to live with your son and let him destroy you?</p><p></p><p>You have some hard decisions to make, but we will try to help you.</p><p></p><p>So sorry for your hurting parent heart.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 620179, member: 1550"] Wow. Hi, there. I am soooooooooooo sorry and, believe it or not, MANY of us have been in your shoes. You would probably do better posting in Parent Emeritus where we are parents of adult children who are not so different from yours. This forum is for kids who are not yet eighteen and it's different. In Parent Emeritus some of us are downright scared of our grown kids. Some have been assaulted. Most are drug addicts or were. And most do not live at home anymore because we finally threw them out for our sanity and protection. My first words are that none of this is your fault. Your son is like he is because he's like he is. He chooses to be a jerk, like most of our grown adult kids. Yes, we love them, but we can not live with them and some of us can't even have much of a relationship with them. You should never ever allow a violent person, no matter who it is, to live with you. He doesn't have to recover in your home. If he didn't have you, he'd have to find somewhere else to recover. If he's going to try to scare and intimidate you, I would tell him he will have to recover somewehre else, maybe getting help from a visiting nurse. Where will he go? That is up to him to find somewhere. Our kids, especially those using drugs, tend to find places to couch surf and get money, even if they have to learn how to panhandle. I would cut out the free bank to him now. He is certainly not deserving of your money and support and he is of age when he can get a job, even if it's cleaning toilets, and take care of his own needs. If necessary, he can try to collect welfare and Medicaid and food stamps. The hardest thing most of us moms have had to figure out is that we can not CAN NOT change anybody but ourselves. That includes our grown kids. They have to want to change and do all the hard work themselves. They rarely do that in our comfy homes. They need motivation. If your son threatens you, I would call 911 right away. And right now, I would tell him that as soon as he is able to walk, he is being evicted. Check your state laws regarding this. You will probably have to change the locks. Has he stolen from you? Hit you? Hit his siblings? Been in jail? Threatened to kill himself in a manner which will make you scared so that you do what he wants? Tell you how his behavior is all your fault because you did this or that when he was five years old? Don't buy into their common and familiar little "my wrong is because of YOU." Don't let him guilt you. He is 20 years old and he is responsible for every wrong turn he takes. And you can't MAKE him do anything that he doesn't want to do. There is no excuse for his behavior. This is not an easy journey, although it's more common than you probably think. I'm going to clue in the great women and men at Parent Emeritus that you are here a nd I hope they can state it better than I can. You will never be alone or misunderstood again if you post here. by the way, you and your wife need counseling together and if she insists that your violent son live with her, then you may have to consider drastic options, such as moving out. It is not good for you, your wife or even your ill son to enable his terrible and criminal behavior. You can not control your wife, but you can control with your own reaction to what you want to do with the rest of your life. Do you want to live with your son and let him destroy you? You have some hard decisions to make, but we will try to help you. So sorry for your hurting parent heart. [/QUOTE]
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