Nephew stayed the night,

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by crazymama30, Aug 20, 2008.

  1. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    and I am surprised difficult child has not clocked him!! The kid is downright mean. I am sure it is a reflection of how he is treated, but he keeps yelling at difficult child. difficult child was walking in front of him, and cousin screamed for him to get out of the way. All things that someone could ask nicely. difficult child let him play his gameboy, difficult child was helping and cousin screamed at him to let him do it. difficult child left him alone and then cousin screamed for help!!! So then difficult child went to help. This is crazy!! difficult child is so patient, it is insane. He keeps helping him and keeps playing with him. This is so amazing.

    I do not think we will have cousin over too horribly often, at most once a month. This is exhausting. For all difficult child's issues, he has rarely been mean and nasty on purpose. Demanding, oh yah. But this is something else. Cousin could be a difficult child in his own right.
  2. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    How old is your nephew? difficult child did GREAT! He must have learned to be patient from you. I think it is so cool when a kid (like your difficult child and mine too) look beyond the nasty behaviors of another kid and sees a person. That is what being patient helps do. You are focused on the other person's needs instead of your own feelings.
  3. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    nephew is 7. He has had a hard life, back and forth between parents and was abused when he was about 2.5 or 3. I gues I should not be surprised by his behavior, but I do wonder how he does at school.

    difficult child has been great with him, and still wants to play with him?!!?
  4. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Sounds like he's got a lot of issues.

    Funny that difficult child still wants to play with-him. I'd give difficult child a reward of some sort!!!! Definitely pull him aside and tell him how proud you are.
  5. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Terry-- I plan on doing that but wanted to wait untill cousing went home. difficult child can have a very big mouth. We have been using a token system with difficult child for chores and such but it has been hard to find behavior stuff to reward him for. He definately has earned lots for today and yesterday.
  6. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    difficult child is assuming the big brother role. He is taking care of his little nephew. If they were any closer in age, it may not work. Their occassional get togethers may be good for both of them. Little kids really do admire and look up to that next age groups. (3 - 7 year older than them).

    So, I think difficult child is looking at it more as a caregiving (babysitting) role than actually playing and he likes the self-proclaimed responsibility.

    difficult child also understands how hard life can be when things don't come easily. He has a great heart!
  7. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Did you lay down the house rules with nephew? Sometimes kids crave the structure of a household with rules. You may just find him quite pleasant with some rules. He might even want to be there more often.
  8. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Good job difficult child!!! Wow, how impressive on his part - hu? It sounds like his tolerance level would put me to shame, I think I would have lost it if cousin was screaming at me like that!!!! Good for difficult child. :)
  9. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I have been doing that, but his reaction is odd. Many times when he yells at difficult child I will tell him he does not need to yell, there is no need to be mean. He looks at me blankly, ignores that I have said anything, and does his own thing. Maybe I am not saying things in a way that he understands, or it could be that he is used to being alone and does not know how to play well with others. He spends his time with his newborn brother and 16 and 18yr old stepsisters. He can be quite pleasant at times, and they do play well at times, this was just a new thing that I did not see before. He used to come over about once a month, but summer got crazy so we got off out schedule.

    I think mainly I was just pleased with how difficult child reacted to cousins behavior. I think it helped that it was just the 2 of them.
  10. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Way To Go to your difficult child!
  11. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Crazymama, you said, "Many times when he yells at difficult child I will tell him he does not need to yell, there is no need to be mean. He looks at me blankly, ignores that I have said anything, and does his own thing."

    I'm thinking you may be right about him just not understanding what you mean. How about you model it for him? Keep it light and not too heavy, but if you said to cousin, "In this house, we have a rule. We speak to each other with respect. Here is how you just spoke to difficult child - [give example]. Now this is how you SHOULD have said it - [give example again]. If you show respect to people then they are more likely to help you and show respect to you."

    If you need to, make him repeat it nicely after you, then praise him if he gets it right. Make it clear - your rules in your house.

    It's amazing how even a difficult child can 'get it' with different rules.

    Example - my eldest sister's kids. With hindsight we know just how VERY difficult child the three middle kids were especially. My sister lived next door. I often babysat them in her house and at our house.
    In their house - they would run everywhere, jump on the furniture, spread toys and books everywhere, raid food from cupboards and fridge, run in and out without shutting the screen door... you get it. But next door at Grandma's house - the screen door MUST be shut (and it was harder to do, as well). Nobody permitted in the living room without permission. Nobody permitted in the bedrooms without permission. Toys and books - you get out what you are playing with and put the other things away before you go on with play. Want food - ask nicely, you will get what you want if it's not too close to dinner.
    Even the youngest ones learned quickly.

    I'm not saying my mother was a better disciplinarian - my sister was happy with how things were in her home, she had a house full of kids and they followed HER rules well. She was comfortable with boisterous behaviour and mess now and then. It's just that my mother wasn't, but still allowed the kids some space and mess. The kids learned the different standards and rules and modified their behaviour according to which house they were in.
    If Grandma was babysitting the kids in their own home - they would jump on SOME of the furniture and still leave the screen door open sometimes.

    It's OK to make changes to your own rules, too, but you need to communicate it well and give some leeway as the new rules are being learned.

    Another example: I was raised fairly strictly, but with clear rules. It was a Christian Protestant household, very pragmatic. My best friend was Roman Catholic but the house rules were much looser.
    I stayed overnight a couple of times and was mortified to discover I was expected to say my evening prayers. In our church children were NEVER expected to pray aloud while improvising - the only praying aloud we ever did was Lord's Prayer, with everyone else. So when my friend's grandma told me to say my prayers and get into bed, I didn't know what to do. I asked for privacy and managed to improvise something with grandma outside in the hall (she was a lovely lady, very kind). And I'm sure when my friend stayed overnight at our house, she felt just as uncomfortable (and probably felt we were heathens for not praying aloud at bedtime!). With time it was no big deal. We talked about it, we worked out the differences and similarities and got on well.

    I would be congratulating difficult child on his patience, tolerance and understanding. He is a credit to you. And maybe he now has more sympathy for easy child's frustration with him?