Nervous breakdown? What should I do?

[Steely]

I know, many of you have kept up with my emotional saga, and are just as drained as I am from me writing about it. So sorry. However, I will be in Dallas for my Dad's funeral next week, and I have to get help there. As you know there is no one or no place that can help me here in this small town, so I am counting on Dallas. I have an appointment with my old counselor every single day until I leave. And my flight back is undetermined.

But here is my question, how does one really overcome a breakdown? I know I am just shooting in the dark here, since you are not all doctors, but I guess I am just confused.

I mean, you could go to a phosph for a week, and they can change medications - but that is not the deal with me. This is 4 years of raw grief, and I am on a lot of medications already that the Dr has been tweaking. I don't think more medications are going to do the trick - this is situational depression.

I could see my counselor every day for a month and see what happens, maybe that will help.

Or I could check myself into some exorbitant retreat, but that seems over the top, and what do they really do?

To tell you the honest truth I am brutally scared of myself. I cry the first 3 hours of the morning, and then all afternoon feel morbidly suicidal. I know I have to get help - but to just go to a phosph for a week seems like not really the answer. I have seen that enough with Matt. I am not in a direct danger to myself - but I know I have to get some REAL help.

First, however, I have to get through my dad's funeral. And guess who will be attending??? My sister's Ex girlfriend who refused to give me any one thing of my sister's when she died. My parents gave it all to her. Do you know how much repression has to go on for me to be around her and not punch her? I have not seen her since H died. And she is not only going to be at the funeral but the private party afterwords. There are no words.

In addition this "hiking buddy" that I have been so close to and such good friends with is "disappointed" and not really into talking anymore because I suggested a solution that "I should have known was not viable for him". What? OK crazy. I did not know you were looking for a perfect friend. A dog might be a better choice dude. Still - I really wanted his friendship, he was really cool. Until now.

The bottom line is that I have to pull myself out of this cr@p SOON, get a job, and move on with life. I mean - I need a real miracle to just fall in my lap at this point. Some entity that will just pick me up by the scruff of my neck and land me in a new house, job, and place and give me the power and momentum to GO!

Thanks

 

[Jena]

sorry i'm sure your dad's funeral will be difficult, yet it will also bring you closure. which is a good thing.

as far as a mental breakdown you aren't having one.... if you were you wouldn't be able to post here at all, youd be in the corner rocking back and forth for most the day, or just kinda spacing out more than not. at least tha't what i hear their like.

i think in all honesty and yea i'm going to be blunt, you asked and it's what i'd tell myself and have the past year of torture i've lived through...

forget the past, let it go. take all you have written wish it well take a nice walk with that adorable dingo dog of yours and have yourself a little renewal ceremony of you. stand there yes all the writing of your past, and say good bye to it all bring matches light it up and watch it burn and disengrate into the sky.... letting go of the past is what you need to do.

that will leave room for opening your heart and mind to the future. it's one small step, than another, than another and so on....... when life pushes you you gotta push back. i don't think it's so much what happens to us that defines our inner selves it's how we work thru it and process it.

matt will find his way, you need to let him do that also.... truly. he sounds very smart. you need to find your way now. sit down tongiht with- a cup of tea or whatever it is you drink and write a bucket list. a list of everything you'd like to do, everywhere youd like to go....... hang it on a wall within view in your room. than each day wake up, when the tears start to come plant those feet on the ground and tell yourself your in the drivers seat, control your own mind. your amazingly smart and highly capable of doing this.

do one thing each day that makes you happy. i dont' care what it is, it could be digging a hole whatever.......... point is slowly bring back the joy into your life you deserve and you will slowly find your way. push yourself to go ahead and be happy you deserve it, we all do, regardless of our pasts. it's past tha'Tourette's Syndrome the KEY word past. let it go and be where it belongs in the past.

your spending so much time in the past how could you possibly have a bright future? go to a library there and rent out a yoga dvd also for beginner's, or go to the store and buy one. it's amazingly healing and theraputic and also will kick those endorphins up and put you in a better way. make a routine for each day, just like we do for our kids when their hurting and a bit lost in the moment. stick to the routine, including (1) good thing to do a day that makes you happy. not the dog, or matt or this guy who seems like he's exiting your life now. just you.

i'd also go to your doctor and check your medications, you are taking alot of them you say? ok, there could be some side effects of them too. i took an ssri once in my life years ago within two weeks i was invisioning driving my truck into a wall, any wall.

listen point is you know you best, and yes i know i dont' always follow my own advice.... yet at this stage of the game the only way your going to make this happen is by doing it. in the afternoon if your feeling that way and the pick me ups and pushing yourself isnt' working call someone, anyone to talk do. key is redirecting your mind.

at times i find we all can have distorted thoughts, versions of the truth, how we are perceiving life can be somewhat slanted. if you take the time each day to write ina book (i know you loveeee writing) 4 negative thoughts you had, than write down 4 logical thoughts to replace the negative thoughts... that's what difficult child and i are both doing here in her therapy. yes i do listen and i've been diong it too. therapy for 2 at the price of one LOL.

anyway sending you positive thoughts, get going and get moving you have alot to do. stop crying and get out of the past, make way for the future your going to create for you!i bet in a year you will be posting here about some new guy, some new town a new boss you work for, and how matt's doing well. stay positive, stay focused.

repeat over and over again i am beautiful, i am amazing, strong woman who is a force to be reckoned with. it's my personal mantra.........

now go get making some lists of all you want to do!!! as i always say fake it till you make it. it actually works at times. your unhappy smile anyway, seriously......

(((Hugs)))) hang in there! your going to be ok! you really are. you haven't come this far now to just go givin up and all!! go go go!

 

[Steely]

Thanks Jena - you are right on many accounts - however the real worry is that I am trying to do all the things you are mentioning and none of it is working. I am not at all focused in the past, I am trying to go forward, and my physical body is not living up to what I want it to be doing. I do not sit and cry about the past - the tears are just there - always. I curse them, and swear them off. I walk, I exercise, I write, I cook - I do everything I know to do - and the tears still are there. And the intense thoughts about suicide are everywhere. Maybe it is because of a medication - but it seems that it is just a final nail in the last 6 months of loss. I am not sure.

 

[Jena]

call the doctor than, sometimes as u know you can take a medication for a while have it work than have it do the opposite. maybe it's time to do a medication wash than a new one?

 

[AnnieO]

Sweetie,

Jena has some great ideas - but one thing at a time. You've has so much going on - relax. Sit back and allow yourself to relax. Let Matt be Matt - you need time for you, now.

HUGS, sweetheart. And no, you're not crazy. Just really, really stressed out.

 

[HaoZi]

Since you do enjoy hiking and the outdoors, have you considered maybe a Survival School "vacation"? I know there's a good one in Utah that I've heard about.

 

[ML]

I wish I had something clever to say, something to suggest that would make a difference. You've been in a difficult place for a long time. I hope the trip to Dallas will bring you some closure with your dad and maybe even some healing with some of the other losses of the recent past. Healing thoughts and love coming your way.

 

[Hound dog]

(((hugs))) Steely

I've not read the other replies.

As one who has survived too much grief, drama, and all around crud........... I can't tell you the answers for you. All I can tell you is what works for me. And I use "works" as life or someone up above seems to think it's interesting to see just how much crud I can handle......so it's an ongoing thing.

Life goes on. It truly does. And as it does, you heal. It's good to feel the grief, anger, sadness when it pops up...........but it's also healthy and good to smile and laugh and do things that you enjoy doing without guilt or shame that those you've lost won't enjoy those things anymore. In you, their lives have meaning and their memories live on forever. My grandma used to tell me that if I could continue to live on and live a good happy life, then it was a tribute to her. And she firmly believed that it was that way for any loved one. I've seen over the many many years since her passing that this is true.

With each person I've lost I've allowed myself to feel the loss, but I also tend to smother myself in their memory for a short time. As a family we share stories.....as many as we can possibly remember and we laugh and cry together. In my opinion the laughter is very important as so many people during a time of grief feel that to laugh or even smile, to feel pleasure of any sort is somehow a betrayal of the person they've lost. But our loved ones would not want to see us suffering. The stories, for us in our family, are a celebration of that person's life. And the laughter reminds us that it is ok to be happy, that the grief is not supposed to last forever. So then, we get up each day and do what we would normally do. At first it feels awkward and strange. But the more you do and the longer you do it the more normal it begins to feel.....and life continues to move you forward. I have a very firm belief that I will see those I've lost again.....and when I do, I don't want to have to face them with the knowledge that I wasted the gift of life that I was given.

As for my past garbage. I know it happened. I've dealt with it, I've made my peace with it. It doesn't matter if anyone else acknowledges it or not. That is not important. I know the truth. It's over, in the past, and those people nor anyone else can ever hurt me like that again.

With the continual drama and crud life seems to forever love to dump in my path.....I deal with what I can deal with and I let the rest go and go on with my life. I am human, I'm but one person. I neither want nor seek anyone's approval. I'm me, take it or leave it.

Me? I have come to accept and know the person I am......and I like myself. I savor the simple moments and the little pleasures. Material things really hold little value to me. I enjoy my kids, grandkids, furbabies and all the zillion simple moments and pleasures they give me. And I hope I give them many many in return.

In crisis? I get up and just put one foot in front of the other and Do what needs to be done along with the day to day routine. I do it even when I don't feel it. I do it when I don't want to do it, when I want to bury my head under the covers and hide from the world. I plod along doing until the crisis is resolved and life begins to feel "normal" again. And while I'm plodding I look (sometimes actively search) for reasons to smile and laugh and for the little pleasures because it makes the whole process bearable.

This is what I do. I can't tell you what you should do. Although I've discovered that for me.....I can yak to tdocs and take medications until I'm blue in the face.....but unless I'm doing what I just stated above.......I tend to spin my wheels.

I really truly hope that you can find your way past the grief and trauma and move forward to enjoy the life you've been given.

 

[JJJ]

((Steely))) Does your whole being feel like a shattered safety window -- completely covered in cracks but just barely hanging in the frame? That is how I felt during the darkest grief in my life. medications didn't help, talking didn't help, I was terrified that I was going to be like that forever.

Can you afford the time/money to focus completely on you for 3 days? Just check into a nice hotel, spend the day at a spa -- massage, facial, etc, get lots of sleep in a big comfy bed, order room services, maybe walk around a museum or a park...don't plan on thinking about anything; give yourself permission to just be. The problems and the grief will still be there after the 3 days but you will have a little more energy, a little more focus. If you are having trouble sleeping, I'd ask the doctor for 3 sleeping pills to make sure you rest.

 

[1905]

I agree with JJJ. Take a break from everything, go away and just be kind to yourself. ((HUGS)))

 

[KTMom91]

I have no advice, but wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. Many hugs.

 

[rlsnights]

ECT.

If you want to talk about it we can do it on open forum or we can PM.

Patricia

 

[DammitJanet]

Steely, I also take a ton of medications but medications are not going to be the be all or end all of all emotions. They will not make our lives perfect. Neither will talking to a therapist even if you see one every day. I had a superbly, wonderful therapist who I saw weekly if not more and who was there for me either by phone or email at the drop of a hat and I still had a difficult time during some very intense times such as my fathers death. All a therapist can really do is talk to you and listen to you for the time you are in the office. Maybe offer a few tidbits of advice but really they are a sounding board.

You may be on too many medications or maybe you arent, I have no idea. Do I think inpatient care would be a good idea, again I dont know. I havent done it but one time since I was a teen and the one time I did both my therapist and I decided it was the worst idea in the history of ideas for me. We both said in my case, a weekend at a nice hotel would be a much better idea for me...preferably one with a jetted tub and the ability to order food in! Alone. LOL.

I also think its time for you to stop dwelling on the past and attempting to be the perfect person for everyone except yourself. Put you first and do what you want to do. Take a few days for you and then get on with your life. Everyone else can figure their own lives out. You arent responsible for the rest of the world anymore. You can still love Matt, you can still love your mom, you can still be a mom and a daughter but you dont have to fix things. Remember your sister but put the whole death thing to rest. She is gone and nothing you do can bring her back. Its over. Even if by some chance you managed to spend the next 10 years running down leads and making yourself crazy to reopen the case, it still wouldnt bring her back. Let it go. Remember her as she was.

You probably think that is easy for me to say because I havent been through anything like that. Well, no I havent but with as much as I had that emotionally turmoiled life with mom where I hated her but still loved her on some level, I had to make my peace with her after she died. For a long time I had lots of anger towards her but finally I let it all go and now I can think of her with peace and it is so much better. I dont keep burdening myself with the stuff associated with her. I think when you get to that point with your sister you will feel more peace.

Maybe grief counseling would be the best sort of counseling that would help you since all your issues seem to stem from some form of grief.

 

[busywend]

You are in new grief. And it is bringing up old grief.

Allow yourself this. Give yourself time. I do think talk therapy is what you need. If you can go everyday, that might help. I assume you are discussing your sadness with therapist.

 

[DDD]

Sending caring thoughts and hugs your way. I'm praying you round the corner soon and begin to see a light at the end of the tunnel. DDD

 

[timer lady]

Grief has to be experienced, Steely. You have to go thru all the anger, sadness & bittersweet memories. Let the tears flow freely when need be. There is a circle of life here ~ your sister wouldn't want you bogged down in this mire of sadness forever. I can't speak for your father as (sorry) I haven't kept up with all your issues with him. However, he was a big part of your life & there will be emotions.

There is the grief of your son - his inability to make it on his own.

It's allowing yourself to shut down for a time (knowing that you must re-enter the real world). I spent this past winter watching movies & crying. I knew that the sadness, the grief over my husband, my mom, couldn't be medicated away. I knew the loss from the meningitis & the ensuing brain injury was a reality I had to face & then there's the tweedles.

I have a mentor who calls me weekly - she's advised me that it's not one day at a time for me. It's 15 minutes at a time. I sit at my easel & just touch my brushes; can't bring myself to paint yet. I sit at my piano & play scales. I've allowed myself the time to shut down, to cry & am beginning to slowly build my physical & emotional strength back up.

In the meantime, do not be afraid to ask for help ~ I put it off too long & now 2 years later I'm just beginning to find the end to paperwork for Steve; addressing estate issues, making my will, & getting a financial power of attorney because I could no longer handle those things.

Ask for help - it's okay. With that help I've found strength from the most unexpected places.

Take care, my friend. You're in my thoughts.

 

[Steely]

I know you guys are right, but I had to ask you and to see if there was something else I was supposed to be doing.

I don't remember who said, well you won't cry if you don't think about the past - but I don't think about anything and yet the tears just flow freely at the most inopportune moments. Or I wake up and my father's face is in my mind. I don't want to wake up to that. I don't want to cry. I don't want to feel this deep, deep unhappiness. It literally hurts.

Linda - yesterday I decided that I was going do one thing that used to make me feel whole - and I wrote a poem for my dad's memorial this Sunday. It did make me feel so much better. You are right, one little step at a time reinventing ourselves is what it will take.

 

[tiredmommy]

Steely,

I had to let go of my mom years ago due to her mental health & substance abuse issues because I didn't want to be dragged under with her. It seemed very callous and uncaring for me to do this and it was a great burden on me. I felt the burden I was carrying was the price I had to pay (which was flat out wrong but played right into my sense of guilt).

Eventually, this guilt was eating me up so I had to act. I wrote a letter to my mom expressing the good, the bad and everything in between I felt about her and our relationship. It was probably 20+ pages. I then burned the letter, placed the ashes in a soda bottle, closed it up and threw it in the river. It was the only way I could come up with freeing myself from that pain and allow myself to grieve the relationship in a healthy manner. This was several years before my mother died and it helped me greatly when she passed. Perhaps you could come up with some way of letting go of the pain from Matt's issues, H's death, your father's death and the many other things you've endured. The burden is too heavy. I know. I can see you spreading the ashes into the wind or watching them flow downstream... but you're going to need to let go first.

 

[DammitJanet]

Tiredmommy thats a good idea. Im pretty morbid here...or should I say we all are. We still have my mom and grandmother's ashes in boxes on a bookcase in my family room. We make inside family jokes about who gets them when I die and of course, dont place me in the middle! Realistically I really need to figure out what to do with these things but I have never come up with a good idea. Tony and I have joked about sneaking into the place my Dad is buried and burying my mom's ashes there since Pat is supposed to have a plot next to him. I think that would be appropriate...lol. My grandmother? I have no clue. My grandfather is buried in FL and darned if I know if I will ever get down there again.

My other idea is to get square boxes with 4 slots in them. Have places to put my mom, my grandmother, me and Tony. Have boxes for all the boys and grandkids. Label all of us with dates of birth and death. By the time there are generations past those, they will be passing more on...lol.

 

[Star*]

Steely,

Re- read your post and pretend this is someone you do not know asking you for advice. What would your no holds barred advice be to them? I've mentioned I can not stop crying, I think I'm having a nervous breakdown, and I'm morbidly suicidal. I've mentioned in previous posts that I've thought about suicide - what would your advice be to them?

Hugs