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NEVER Good Enough
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<blockquote data-quote="katya02" data-source="post: 396495" data-attributes="member: 2884"><p>Susie, how would it feel to have that 'obligatory' visit disappear? Just not exist in the upcoming days? Would you feel a sense of release, maybe even be able to enjoy at least part of the holidays? </p><p></p><p>You don't have to go for an 'obligatory' visit. Given your current PTSD flare I would suggest not going. You don't owe elaborate excuses; you can simply say that in view of the abuse you've been getting recently you're not going. Of course your mother will be angry; in her world, everyone acts according to HER plan. But the world will not end (I'm not being patronizing; in the past I would get so anxious at the prospect of crossing my mother that I literally felt the world would end) if you stay home with your family, don't subject your kids to her, and celebrate</p><p>with your husband. It would be a much healthier, safer plan for you than subjecting yourself to more abuse. </p><p></p><p>I also understand a husband not comprehending the extent of abuse you've suffered in childhood. My husband grew up in what he considers a perfect family. He has never quite believed the things I've told him and continued to treat my mother as if she were a normal, loving, reasonable grandma - until she tried to get custody of daughter. Even now he lapses back into thinking she's 'normal' if she behaves herself for a time. It's easy to do.</p><p></p><p>With your mother escalating right now you have ample reason to drastically limit contact. For your own safety and health, think about it. If your father challenges you, quietly state that you can't tolerate any more abuse and your health is suffering. Try to phrase it in terms of your feelings and perceptions; he can't argue that you somehow aren't feeling or experiencing something (though people can try to invalidate your feelings, saying you 'shouldn't' feel a certain way, or your perceptions are not true. But NO ONE can tell you what you should feel or that your experiences aren't real). </p><p></p><p>Just mull it over and think about the peace of only having to see your husband and children this holiday - and not having any of your kids subjected to that abuse. Sending lots of love and support, and {{{hugs}}}</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="katya02, post: 396495, member: 2884"] Susie, how would it feel to have that 'obligatory' visit disappear? Just not exist in the upcoming days? Would you feel a sense of release, maybe even be able to enjoy at least part of the holidays? You don't have to go for an 'obligatory' visit. Given your current PTSD flare I would suggest not going. You don't owe elaborate excuses; you can simply say that in view of the abuse you've been getting recently you're not going. Of course your mother will be angry; in her world, everyone acts according to HER plan. But the world will not end (I'm not being patronizing; in the past I would get so anxious at the prospect of crossing my mother that I literally felt the world would end) if you stay home with your family, don't subject your kids to her, and celebrate with your husband. It would be a much healthier, safer plan for you than subjecting yourself to more abuse. I also understand a husband not comprehending the extent of abuse you've suffered in childhood. My husband grew up in what he considers a perfect family. He has never quite believed the things I've told him and continued to treat my mother as if she were a normal, loving, reasonable grandma - until she tried to get custody of daughter. Even now he lapses back into thinking she's 'normal' if she behaves herself for a time. It's easy to do. With your mother escalating right now you have ample reason to drastically limit contact. For your own safety and health, think about it. If your father challenges you, quietly state that you can't tolerate any more abuse and your health is suffering. Try to phrase it in terms of your feelings and perceptions; he can't argue that you somehow aren't feeling or experiencing something (though people can try to invalidate your feelings, saying you 'shouldn't' feel a certain way, or your perceptions are not true. But NO ONE can tell you what you should feel or that your experiences aren't real). Just mull it over and think about the peace of only having to see your husband and children this holiday - and not having any of your kids subjected to that abuse. Sending lots of love and support, and {{{hugs}}} [/QUOTE]
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