Never say never, never judge

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Tiredof33, Jun 10, 2013.

  1. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    One of my relatives, a person I love dearly, was one that could not understand my choices of my relationship with my difficult child. Her attitude was 'but you're the mother, fix it'.

    Life has a funny way of explaining what I could not. Her son married a girl he had dated for a few months, she was pregnant and my relative was pushing them to get married.

    From the first time I met the unemployed lady, with a year old child and she was 2 months pregnant, I saw neon difficult child signs flashing over her head. AND SADLY I WAS RIGHT!

    She has caused so many problems and tries to keep the son from his family. The latest was Mother's Day and my relative was hurt deeply.

    The latest was a 'sex for drugs' that the difficult child was involved in and 'over the top sex' that both were involved in - and sounds like a few other people were too lol. He lost a great job due to failing a drug test and he says he wasn't using, it was difficult child and transmitted to him during sex.

    This is a small area and it has spread fast as gossip does, and my relative is embarrassed and upset about it. Her son moves in with her when they fight and she wants him to divorce the difficult child, but he always goes back. She finally told him, either leave her or not, but your not staying at my house when you fight.

    Relative and difficult child had a huge fight when difficult child posted pics of the toddler drinking a beer on FB. difficult child says it was only pretend, but in true difficult child style doesn't understand what the big deal is.

    My relative has a strained relationship with her son now, and difficult child is not invited to any family functions. My relative finally understands why I choose to step back, the drama is too stressful, and we can not 'fix' it.

    People not involved with a true difficult child can not fully understand! Sadly, she does now.
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    It is always an eye opener, isn't it?
  3. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    My kids aren't out on their own yet, but I have two sisters-in-law (the wives of husband's brothers). They are both very nice women. The middle brother and his wife have four kids, two biological sons and two daughters adopted from China. The other brother and his wife have no kids. We're not sure if they just aren't ready to have them yet, or if they are having fertility issues because she made it very clear to everyone who listened that as soon as they bought a house (three years ago) that her next big project was a baby.

    Anyway, the brother in law/sister in law with kids have at least one difficult child. I think he falls on the spectrum, she says it's ADHD. She won't get him evaluated because she homeschools the kids and won't medicate him anyway, so she figures why bother? She totally understands what I go through with my son and is very supportive when I need a shoulder to lean on.

    The other sister in law? She just thinks I'm a crappy parent. And unless she has a difficult child child when (if) they do eventually have kids she will never, ever, understand what it's like to parent one.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    It is really difficult to truly understand what another person has gone through or is going through unless you've experienced something similar, even for those who honestly try to "get it". It doesn't even have to be difficult child related, could be an illness or job loss or whatever.

    I try hard not to say never. When I have it has often come back to bite me in the backside. I also try harder not to judge. This one isn't quite as easy, but I do try.

    Dealing with grown children is just plain something you're not going to be able to understand until you live it. Just as it is impossible to understand how it is to raise a child until you've done it. I made mistakes with Katie that I did NOT repeat with her younger siblings. Experience is the best teacher.

    I'm sorry your relative had to learn to be empathetic with your situation by having to experience a similar one herself.

  5. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    There were so many years when I made that same accusation against myself. I was (still am, I guess!) the mother. If something was wrong, it was my responsibility ~ not only that it happened, but to fix it. And just think of all the years all of us did just that. Little kids, tons of laundry, cooking, doctor's visits, holding down jobs. As the moms, we were the authority on everything medical, on healthy, nutritious foods and mending clothes and budgeting when there was hardly enough money left over to budget with. Everything, everything under the sun was our responsibility.

    And we thrived on it.

    We loved it.

    We did it well and it looked like clear sailing, ahead.

    And then our difficult children hit adolescence.

    All those little differences between our difficult children and other kids suddenly made all the difference in the world. As our adolescent difficult child's began taking responsibility for themselves, things started to happen that we couldn't understand and could hardly fix before the difficult child went on to do something worse.

    I have been so ashamed of myself, for so many years. Like you, Tired of 33, every relative we had believed THEY could talk some sense into difficult child; every friend (whoever was left, after the hellishness of all those years of coping with, and losing, difficult child) thought they knew better, wondered what really went on at our house.

    Learning that difficult child had a diagnosis was a strange thing.

    I would rather that it had been something else; something I did or did wrong, something she could recover from.

    But at the same time...we learned it wasn't something we did. And that meant that, in retrospect? We may actually have had an unusually difficult child to raise.

    Which would actually mean that we may have been outstanding parents.

    That is still a new thought, for me.


    The entire situation is heartbreaking.

    Even before we knew what had really been happening with difficult child, I had learned to be grateful, in my secret heart, that those other parents had no frame of reference for what we had survived.

  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I always have to sort of chuckle at younger people who say..."my child will never..." because sure as shooting their child will do it. My daughter in law was one of those. When we first met her she was full of that garbage. She spouted all this junk about how she had been a nanny and she knew how to take care of kids so well and how parents who medicated kids were just lazy and blah blah blah. Jamie jumped in quick on that one and told her that he and his brother wouldnt have survived childhood if they hadnt been medicated because they needed them and she just stuck her nose up in the air saying well SHE would never medicate a child...lmao. Im expecting Hailie to be medicated within the year considering they will be holding her back this year.

    Now it ticks me off when someone my age or older who has never raised a child wants to stick their nose in and say they know how to raise a kid. Buck does this constantly. He claims he has all the answers to child rearing. Tony is constantly asking him just how many kids he has had. Buck starts saying well some of the women he dated had kids and he helped with them. I make snide remarks about how you arent a dad unless you raise them, provide for them and live with them. When he starts saying well he did...I how much child support are you sending? LOL
  7. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Wow, Tired, that is a killer and sad story. I/we know what you mean Unless you have first hand knowledge of difficult child behavior, it's hard to comprehend (sometimes impossible).
  8. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    The one good thing that has come from my easy child turning difficult child was that I learned to have compassion. I was (I hate to admit this)one o fhose judgemental-where-are-the-parents? people. I'm sorry your relative had to learn the hard way. I'm sorry I had to learn the hard way, but I'm glad I learned. I am better for having done so.
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2013