Never send a man.. (major rant)

[slsh]

to do a woman's job. Honestly, I don't know how the man functions. husband has every other Friday off (plus 4 weeks vacation) and I work at least 6 days a week and have no vacation - since he was off, made sense (somehow) that he could handle discharge today.

I have spent literally hours this week getting everything lined up for thank you's discharge. Requested lab work, requested medications be called in to pharmacy, got TLP to confirm appointment next week with psychiatrist, followup lab work to be done on Monday. Literally *hours* (I know because I account for every minute of my day when I'm working). Print out mapquest directions for husband from hospital to TLP, printed out address and location of pharmacy. Typed TLP and case mgr phone #s on mapquest directions. Put a sticky note on directions stating I want a copy of *all* lab work. Went over directions with him, showed him phone numbers, told him I want *all* lab work. Gave him thank you's SSI check, b-day cards, wallet, coat, and shoes. Ask if he has cell phone. Yes.

He leaves. Forgets shoes and coat. I call cell phone. Goes straight to voice mail, so it's either dead or he's got it turned off. I'm starting to really get a bit toasted at this point. I haul posterior to gas station (thank goodness I knew he needed gas) to give him shoes and coat. One would think that would prompt his little pea brain to think if he might have forotten anything else, but no... he didn't have thank you's wallet, which of course he doesn't remember until thank you asks for it.

Two hours later I get a call from him. Pharmacy only has 1 medication. I said call CM because apparently husband let CM take all the written scripts. "I don't have CM's phone #." OMG! He's worse than the kids!!! Now, not only does he have CM's phone number, he *also* has all the discharge paperwork with medications listed and phone # of hospital. I take deep breath, because I realize he's completely lost his mind, and tell him I'll take care of it.

Another 45 minutes later, it's taken care of. Unfortunately, he apparently got inspired in the interim and figured out he could call hospital. Duh! When I call him back, he tells me "never mind, I'll take care of it". Best I could utter was "don't bother, it's already done".

Phone call 30 minutes later from CM - why isn't thank you on Risperdal anymore? Uhh... good question. Call hospital, they call hospital psychiatrist, tell me he should be on Risperdal, they call pharm, I call husband to tell him to go *back* to pharmacy to pick up Risperdal. Another 20 minutes of my workday down the drain. Would never occur to husband to question the medications... Sheep, I'm dealing with a sheep.

He just walked in with... count them, one laboratory result. The kid was in the hospital over 2 weeks and this is it? "Uh, well, that's all they gave me." And then he has the nerve to tell me that he's on the edge. Oh buddy, let me *tell* you about the edge....

He cannot possibly be this incompetant. Can he? It ended up that it I would have been far better off time-wise just taking the afternoon off and doing this myself. I don't know - maybe he's just really smart because he knows that after this utter fiasco, he'll be lucky if I let him take the doggone garbage out again.

I've been irked at him since Jenny McCarthy was on Larry King, talking about vaccines and autism. husband kept going on and on about "what're we supposed to do, not vaccinate kids? What does she want?". I finally said that informed consent would be nice, research would be nice, and bloody *services* would be nice for the kids that do end up with autism. He just couldn't let it be... and I finally just went off on him (for maybe the 5th time in 20 years). Told him he ought to just keep his opinions to himself because *he's* not the one out there trying to find answers and treatment and services, *he's* not the one dealing with the day in and day out joys of a difficult child, *he's* not the one with the phone glued to his ear or faxing reports high and low or dealing with HIPAA and that particular flavor of stupidity. He's been sulking ever since and quite frankly, tough. He either needs to step up and deal with some of this junk, which I think he proved rather spectacularly today he is not able to do, or just hush.

I need a *serious* vacation!

 

[Star*]

YOU DO NEED A VACATION -

and a drink
a blanket
some sun
a pedicure
a manicure - or a cure for man, not sure which would be better - oh (slap head) there is not a cure for man....
a pedicure
a deep tissue massage
hot rocks
another drink
20 solid hours sleep in a dark room with a slight ocean breeze
bio-feedback
more sun
a shopping spree
a chance to beat a phone and fax to bits with a hammer
another drink
some compliments
a nice dinner
a movie you "get" with no stupid ending
a gas card
a magic bus
another drink (stop putting the umbrellas in your hair)
and just some good friends to sit around and listen to you exhale it out your posterior - for as long as you need

and kleenex -

It's the best I could do -
Hugs
Star

 

[witzend]

I hate to tell you, it's just not that important to him. He sounds so much like my husband. Except my husband would have had a fib to tell that I would have to maneuver around in order to get the real poop on the deal. Then I'd get to decide whether I would bother to tell him that he was lying, or just come up with a fib to explain why I was able to take care of it when he couldn't.

I could hijack your thread with examples that compare my husband to yours, but I won't. All I can say is I'm so so sorry...

 

[trinityroyal]

Picking up where Star left off, may I offer:

Another drink
Another massage (perhaps from Raoul?)
More sun, and an additional shopping spree.
A butler to do all of the crazy phone-calling and running around, and a housekeeper to take care of things on the home front, so that you can let your toenail polish dry from the manicure

Sorry you had such an incredibly frustrating time.

Sending many hugs.

Trinity

 

[WhymeMom?]

Okay, for him to step up YOU need to step back........not criticizing how you handled this in past, but get the feeling YOU have basically insulated husband......stand back and let him learn......granted he will make mistakes, but just as YOU learned so will he........it took both of you to create this child, so let him have a true look at the situation. I tried to insulate my husband for the longest time. I thought I was helping, but never let my husband see the real picture of what was happening to difficult child and me. You've already gone thru some of the hardest knocks, step back and let someone else take control for awhile. It could help YOU. YOU CANNOT DO THIS ALONE......just my two cents.....but believe me it is easier when you are working together and not pulling all the weight yourself......

It seems to me your husband is willing to try, so let him slowly see what you have been dealing with....he will make mistakes, just as you did when you first began this journey......let him in on the frustration You have felt........sharing the burden makes it feel less lonely.......

 

[flutterbee]

I take it this is where '*almost* perfect' comes in.

I don't blame you for being frustrated. You did all the work. He only had to follow directions.

Have a drink on me.

 

[Marguerite]

Men think in different ways. I've been saying this for decades - women think in spirals, men think in straight lines. They go from point A to point B. If there is any need to deviate, it confuses them. it's not what they're used to. Any need to do any other stuff on the way or to handle sudden catastrophic change to expectations - they crumble.

Women, on the other hand, because we're used to thinking in spirals we may take longer to get from point A to point B (although you'd need to put a stopwatch on it) but we are more capable of picking up all the incidental stuff along the way, and dealing with the need to suddenly change horses midstream.

I'm lucky in husband, he's more capable than most. But he still does better when given a chance to plan ahead. To his credit, he will work out his own directions and make his own lists, often asking me for any contact info or other stuff he needs. HE and I will sit down and workshop a problem, rather than me presenting him with a list (or vice versa). We give each other reasons (such as, "We need copies of ALL test results because it can save us MONEY and time, to have them.") If you have a reason which you know will push his buttons (ie MONEY being saved) then you are more likely to get his male brain paying sufficient attention, so he will be able to stay on task better.

Eleven years ago husband had to suddenly step into my shoes when I was suddenly admitted to hospital for what turned out to be a three week stay. It was just as we were organising assessment and diagnosis for our younger three kids, and we'd just been hit for six by the announcement that we were dealing with autism, multiple cases. It was literally minutes later that we were told I had to go to hospital.
husband was the man on the spot. He had to hold things together at home, slide into my routine, handle the tantrums and behaviour problems and the sudden catastrophes. All of this was happening while we were trying to come to terms with what we had been told about the kids.
I was in hospital. I arranged for a phone by my bedside so I could be 'present' at meetings on conference call. husband & I talked every night (and often at other times). I rang to organise appointments, further assessments, etc. husband had to make the lunches, do the washing and cooking and handle the emergency dash to the hospital with easy child, when difficult child 3 developed croup.

It wasn't perfect. But what helped was we had set up a system of communication first, which we used. What also helped - husband doesn't have this attitude of "I'm doing her a favour." Instead, he took it all on board as his job because I wasn't there. There was none of the "this is woman's work" attitude anywhere, which is where i think a lot of men fall down.

In our house, I do men's work as well as women's work. So does husband. We were both raised to it (me, less so). There are a few exceptions - husband isn't brilliant with a sewing machine and he doesn't knit or crochet. And he's never let me use a lawnmower. But I'll use other power tools and he's a good cook.

We communicate and we share.

Some men can't do this. Some women can't let them.

The bloke over the road wants his wife to chop the wood. She refuses because she is ultra-feminine, she might break a nail. It's a matter of principle for her - "me - house and kids. You - garden and toolshed." I am glad for her sake she doesn't have difficult child kids.

I used to work with men, which is how my views on how men's/women's brains work were confirmed. I had to make sure I was seen as an honorary male, or I could never have got my work done. For years I watched how these blokes communicated, worked, functioned - and I stick to my theory. Men and women's brains work differently. A few rare, lucky people are able to mentally 'swap genders' when it comes to brain function, but it is rare. For those who can't - give up trying to tax them. They'll always stuff up.

Marg

 

[tinamarie1]

slsh, i will try not to bash men in this post. but i think seriously they are missing some kind of common sense part of their brain that WE have instead. i don't think that is an insult, i think its how we are made and how we know that we need each other to make it in this world.
husband took easy child to the doctor yesterday (because he was off and i wasn't). she has been having problems with- her ears for years and nothing has helped. welll now she loses hearing off and on its so bad. I TOLD him the night before that he does not need to "just accept" what the family practice doctor says. He needs to DEMAND a referral to an ENT doctor, because they are specialists and if they say nothing else can be done, well then we have done all we can do by getting her to them for their expert opinion.
he calls me after the appointment and tells me (just as i thought) that we just need to clean her ears out more often (we already treat them 2 times a month like it is). NO REFERRAL. It took everything in me not to go off on him. I gritted my teeth and said, ok I will call the doctor when I get home and then drive all the way back over there and get that referral.
i soooo feel your pain sister.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

I think, that possibly had he done the work, he might have been able to follow his own directions?

You DID do all the work. And it was a frickin lot of work. And you had it all in your head. He had NOT done the work, so he did not know what work there was that was DONE. He therefore did not know instinctively what the follow up was. You had to give him a laundry list. It was probably overload (as was AAALLLLL the work that YOU DID!). But since he had no first hand knowledge of the work that was put into it, the follow up was not a "well duh" thing in his mind.

If he had done a tune up on a car, and replaced the spark plugs and the distributor cap and all that good stuff, and there was still an issue under the hood, he'd know EXACTLY where to look.

So maybe you are right. Not to bash men, but maybe that was not a job for him to do. So tell him to go give your car a tune up.

 

[slsh]

Whyme - you make an excellent point. I'm a little on the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) side of things and delegation has never been my strong point. I simply don't have the time or patience to hold his hand as he figures this stuff out on his own, and definitely not the patience to go back and fill in the gaping holes that he missed. So yes, in all honesty this is my own darn fault.

Marg, I couldn't agree more. Men and women intrinsically operate differently. I call it the male genetic defect.

BBK - I'd no sooner let him near my van than I would let him handle a discharge again!!! He's my best friend, an excellent father, etc., but he really should not be allowed around anything having to do with home maintenance, vehicle maintenance, IEPs, medications, or discharges. Ever.

 

[Abbey]

My...exhausting reading the scenario. I can only imagine.

You need a day off.

Abbey

 

[Lothlorien]

My husband is wonderful when it comes to household things, fixing cars and anything construction or mechanical, but he would have done exactly the same thing as your husband. He would have royally messed it up, if I didn't thoroughly explain, write down and grill him to the point where I would have just given in and done it myself.

I love my guy to death and I know exactly your frustration. You can't possibly stay angry at him for long, can you?