new and need advice

[crzymomof4]

I have never posted before but I do alot of support reading here. I just need some quick advice before school in the morning please. My kiya is a 7yr old biracial little girl who has a gorgous head of hair.. Now when it is not done and put into ponys she has a afro out of this world, well everytime i do her hair she pulls it out, i do it she pulls it out, i am pretty sure she does it cuz she knows it gets to me, cuz thats her goal in life to make me crazy... Anyways i always fix her hair cuz i dont want her to look crzy when she goes to school, trust me it looks wild, like shes crazy or something, but of course tonight she pulled not one pony out, not two but all of them, then she came to me and sat in front of me and i asked her what i could do for her and she said my hair, well this is all after i have told her 8 billion times that im tired of messing with it, and the next time im not going to fix it for her. Well tonight is the first time i didnt fix it and im not sure if i should just keep her home from school or just send her to school looking crazy. the only thing about the looking crazy is, i feel so bad and dont know if i could do it.... please help i dont know what to do.... I know this makes it hard not knowing her background so i will give a little. we have been told she has bipolar, odd, Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), depression. i think thats it. she is very very smart, manipulitive, spiteful, destructive, she steals, she lies, never has eye contact, out smarts all the shrinks we have taken her to, does the total opposite of what we tell her to do.. hope this helps.. oh yeah kiya always has the option to make the right choice and always choices not to and always has someone to blame for what happens when she doesnt make the right choice because it isnt her fault, just like her hair because i wouldnt fix it for her, not the fact that she pulled it out... thanks to anyone who can help

 

[nvts]

Hi! Welcome - I have to get to bed but I wanted to say "hi!"

Get the book by Ross Greene, "The Explosive Child". You may not agree with all he has to say, but at least he gets you to see how the kids think.

About the hair: Me, I'd let her go to school that way. I tend to "pick my battles". As long as it's not about safety, I'm willing to negotiate.


Talk to you soon!

Beth :wink:

 

[AllStressedOut]

We had a discussion on here not too long ago about biracial hair problems. It's escaping me on who it was. I wonder if her pony tails are hurting? My daughter has an extremely sensitive head, I did too. Have you considered alternatives? What about relaxers so she can wear it down without it hurting?

I do know when we had the conversation on here, I recommended baby oil. I know the girl who I recommended this for didn't like the smell of baby oil, but I think your daughter is younger. I used this on my husbands niece who has biracial hair. It kept it from frizzing and just made it look soft and curly. Then I'd use those old fashioned plastic barrets and comb it into a barret on each side to keep it out of her eyes. It also made her hair easier to manage when I wanted to do pony tails. She loved the look and I loved how cheap and easy it was to fix after I learned the secret from a friend.

As for her going to school tomorrow with it fixed or not. If you can manage it without feeling too guilty, I'd say let her go unfixed.

 

[Marguerite]

We get scented coconut oil from Fiji, it works a treat on tightly curled hair. Or you could use just about any vegetable oil.

Sounds like she's got to work it out for herself.

Marg

 

[BusynMember]

It was my litltle girl. Until this year, she would only wear her hair pulled back in a pony and it was cutting her hair off. She also wouldn't really comb it or make it look nice. Finally, this year we were able to sort of bribe her into doing her hair nicely. I'm not sure I'd fight over this with a seven year old. My daughter hated braids--she said they hurt. She wouldn't wear them either.

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

Hi,

Kiya sounds alot like my difficult child 1!!! I understand how draining "daily battles" can be!!! My best advice, is to pick your battles wisely. For starters, I would ignore all bad behavior except behavior that involves safety issues and destruction of property. If she is too unstable to do anything that is asked, I would let her go to school with her hair a total mess. It isn't worth the constant battle.

I don't know enough about your situation to really add much more. I hope you post here more often as it really is a great place to visit. There are lots of really good people here with great advice.

I look forward to getting to know you better. WFEN

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Welcome to our little corner of sanity.

I could not agree more with the "Explosive Child" book.

In a nutshell, it breaks down behaviors of children into categories: behaviors that require immediate attention (running into the street), behaviors that need to be dealt with (hitting younger sister), and ones that are not worth the meltdown (eating their peas).

I would place what her hair looks like in the "not worth the meltdown" category. Honestly, she will be fine. You may be embarrassed, but you need to get past that.

My daughter has sensory issues and hates hates HATES having her hair brushed. And she has fine, thin, strawberry-blonde, Arian hair. It is not worth the meltdown to brush it. I sent a note with her to Kindergarten explaining to her teacher why she looks like a vagabond. This year, she only went to school one day looking homeless. The other first graders teased her.

Now she brushes her own hair.

 

[Otto von Bismark]

There are so many replies I could give to this mom and her African textured hair daughter. If she is a white mom, she likely has limited skills for doing "black" hair, unless she has been practicing for a long time, such as from when the child is a young age. If this is the case, there are a lot of easy tricks to help your kinky-curly girl learn to love and be proud of the hair that God has given her, all of which will help you to not fight about it. It is her crowing glory, after all.

There is no way to be humble when I say that I am a white lady and I do very good black hair of all types, and the best thing I do is to elevate the hair care to a loving ritual, where she sits at my feet and I softly detangle, and she learns to receive loving treatment and gentle physical contact. I do not use baby oil or petroleum products on it ever. There are some good systems out there that are cheap.

I also would not ever call the child's hair "crazy" unless it is a funny personal word your family uses. I would set a regular day for doing hair. I would make it special -- wash her hair yourself. Learn how to detangle it softly with out yanking or breaking off hairs. Then give her a lovely style that can last most of a week.
After that week, if she doesn't pull the style out, rewash and detangle and say sweet words about how lovely her hair is. Then set a regular time to do it. With love and patience. Never say "bad hair" crazy hair" "looking crazy in that big hair" etc....

I use the time to enjoy the softness of my daughters' hair, and they will hear me murmuring about how beautiful and special it is, how I love having the time to do their hair.
Then, after you devote time to loving on her hair, see if she still wants to pull it out. If she does, then show her people with locs and see if she wants to start some of those, because it willst art locking if it is just out all the time. Give her the choice.

She may just want to go big hair for a while. That's ok. I will write more tomorrow with specific hair tips....there is an easy way to help black/biracial hair curl instead of frizz, and she may like the definition.

Another thing is that you set, say Sunday night and Thursdays for doing hair styles. If you do one on Sunday night and she pulls it out that evening, then you can say, "Oh, I guess you want to wear your hair out until Thursday. Okay! let's do that then. And let her do it. It's just hair. Then on Thursday, wash and detangle it and ask her what style she wants. Don't get mad. She is trying to figure out something huge!! Hair!!!!Hair is a big deal. PM me if you have questions and I will send you some great links tomorrow.

 

[Marg's Man]

Gday Otto,

Ummmm, sorry mate; this is a dinosaur thread.

It was raised back in 2007 by a person who only ever posted five times so she probably won't get your advice.

Pity - it was thoughtful and kind. I wish she would get to read it.

Whenever you want to reply to a post check how old the thread is. All too often the original poster has moved on.

Marg's Man

 

[Otto von Bismark]

Ha, ha, LOL! Okay. I was SO tired last night. I usually check post dates, but it popped up in a place that made it look fresh for some reason. I wasn't thinking. I have such a heart for people who are misguided about African textured hair, that I just answered on the spot. It kinda broke my heart. White moms can really struggle, and say and do things that make their lovely-haired children think their hair is "bad" or "crazy."

Thanks for the heads up!