so glad to have found this forum- and that there are other parents that have issues like mine. My ghg will be 28 years old in a week. She has had alcohol problems for the past 10 years. Two DUI's at age 19, and thankfully, had her license revoked. She has not had a license nor a car since. That is a blessing as she no doubt would have injured/killed herself or others if she had had access to a car. She has never had a healthy relationship, never had a 'real' job, never been self supporting. She started college, flunked out due to alcohol, has had maybe 20 jobs- none lasting more than a few weeks as she drinks after work, often before work- just to get through the day. When she drinks too much, she is unable to make it to work so she is a 'no call, no show'. As you can imagine, then she gets fired. Her only jobs have been fast food, or entry level restaurant or retail jobs. She is intelligent, attractive- but alcohol consumers her life. We helped her out initially by hiring an attorney on the DUI's, and we have had her move in with us on a few occasions to get healthy and get a 'fresh start'. What happens is that she quits drinking while living here, manages to get a job (after weeks of trying), saves money, moves out and IMMEDIATELY- meaning the SAME DAY- starts drinking and within days loses her job. Most times, she has moved out with some boyfriend who is always also either an alcoholic or some other enabler. This past year, she lived with us for 5 months. Was sober, got a job at McDonalds, and I saw signs of my daughter emerging. Hope, joy, laughter, .... mostly hope. She saved $1500 and moved out into a studio apartment. Within the week, she was drunk and out of work again. It has been 3 months since then. She called me saying she had a warrant out for her for shoplifting liquor and would I help her. I told her no. I told her she needed to go to rehab. She refuses.
Over the years, we have payed for her to go to college 3 different times- every time she dropped out due to alcohol abuse and failure to go to class. We have fixed totaled cars twice. Paid for rehab which she walked out of after 4 days. Paid for an attorney for 2 DUI's (within 2 weeks of each other. Offered to get her psychological help many, many times- always refused. Offered to take her to an MD for medication- depression? Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)? bi-polar? who knows? Antibuse? - always refused. We have provided her a safe haven to get healthy and get a fresh start- maybe 5 times? Paid her phone bill so that she could look for work and have a call back number- countless times, but no more. Picked her up from the city park or other random place in the middle of the night- several times. Driven her to and from work when she lived with us and had a job. Paid her court ordered DUI fines when she could not make the payments- several times. Bailed her out of jail - only for her to not make her court appearance. Tried to get her to go to AA, rehab, sober living- refused.
She has repaid us: nothing
We have not ever: paid her rent, given her cash
She has had these consequences: been with physically and mentally abusive boyfriends, she has been raped- at least once, she has had seizures from alcohol withdrawal- three times that I know of, she has gotten money and/or alcohol for providing sex, she has been a stripper at a local club. She has been in jail for 2 weeks for failure to make court appearances DUI payments, she has been stalked by a 56 year old weirdo who gave her liquor and thought he had a 'relationship' with her, evidently now she is wanted for shoplifting liquor. I suspect she is being evicted from her apartment as she has not had a job since July. I do not know- but suspect- how she has paid her rent the past few months. She gets food stamps (have no idea how) but has no other source of cash.
So...... my husband blocked her phone calls last month after we could not contact her for days and asked the apartment manager to check on her. We feared she had had yet another seizure and died. Our daughter called him after that and told her if he ever did that again, she would call the police and report him as a stalker. He says he is 'done' and does not want to think or talk about her.
I have been somewhat detached for a couple of years now- I feel dead inside when I think about her. We have tried for so long- been disappointed, manipulated, lied to, used- without any real acknowledgement or thanks from our ghg. I think she has actually forgotten many things as she is so damaged from alcohol abuse. She drinks all day every day. Vodka.
People do ask about our kids. We tell them our son is doing great, we have a beautiful grand daughter. Then they ask about our ghg. We say she is struggling. I have been feeling guilty because I am almost numb now. I think about her many, many times daily, but then I try not to think about her. I am glad when I don't hear from her- every phone call is some kind of manipulation or drunken conversation about how she misses her family. She lives 15 miles away but can't come her- or won't allow us to pick her up- as she is always, always intoxicated or sick from temporary alcohol withdrawal.
I thought I was the only one with such a dysfunctional child. I know I am not- but I don't know anyone personally with a child this deep in misery. What a waste. I feel guilt- but my daughter has told me many times it is not our fault. I don't know what I could have done differently. She was always a strong willed and somewhat defiant child- but good grades, social, mostly 'normal'.
I also thought I was the only mother who actively worked on detachment. This has been going on for 10 years. She is an adult. I am 60- but my life is far from over. I want to be happy with my son, grand daughter, husband. We deserve to move on.
Don't we?
Over the years, we have payed for her to go to college 3 different times- every time she dropped out due to alcohol abuse and failure to go to class. We have fixed totaled cars twice. Paid for rehab which she walked out of after 4 days. Paid for an attorney for 2 DUI's (within 2 weeks of each other. Offered to get her psychological help many, many times- always refused. Offered to take her to an MD for medication- depression? Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)? bi-polar? who knows? Antibuse? - always refused. We have provided her a safe haven to get healthy and get a fresh start- maybe 5 times? Paid her phone bill so that she could look for work and have a call back number- countless times, but no more. Picked her up from the city park or other random place in the middle of the night- several times. Driven her to and from work when she lived with us and had a job. Paid her court ordered DUI fines when she could not make the payments- several times. Bailed her out of jail - only for her to not make her court appearance. Tried to get her to go to AA, rehab, sober living- refused.
She has repaid us: nothing
We have not ever: paid her rent, given her cash
She has had these consequences: been with physically and mentally abusive boyfriends, she has been raped- at least once, she has had seizures from alcohol withdrawal- three times that I know of, she has gotten money and/or alcohol for providing sex, she has been a stripper at a local club. She has been in jail for 2 weeks for failure to make court appearances DUI payments, she has been stalked by a 56 year old weirdo who gave her liquor and thought he had a 'relationship' with her, evidently now she is wanted for shoplifting liquor. I suspect she is being evicted from her apartment as she has not had a job since July. I do not know- but suspect- how she has paid her rent the past few months. She gets food stamps (have no idea how) but has no other source of cash.
So...... my husband blocked her phone calls last month after we could not contact her for days and asked the apartment manager to check on her. We feared she had had yet another seizure and died. Our daughter called him after that and told her if he ever did that again, she would call the police and report him as a stalker. He says he is 'done' and does not want to think or talk about her.
I have been somewhat detached for a couple of years now- I feel dead inside when I think about her. We have tried for so long- been disappointed, manipulated, lied to, used- without any real acknowledgement or thanks from our ghg. I think she has actually forgotten many things as she is so damaged from alcohol abuse. She drinks all day every day. Vodka.
People do ask about our kids. We tell them our son is doing great, we have a beautiful grand daughter. Then they ask about our ghg. We say she is struggling. I have been feeling guilty because I am almost numb now. I think about her many, many times daily, but then I try not to think about her. I am glad when I don't hear from her- every phone call is some kind of manipulation or drunken conversation about how she misses her family. She lives 15 miles away but can't come her- or won't allow us to pick her up- as she is always, always intoxicated or sick from temporary alcohol withdrawal.
I thought I was the only one with such a dysfunctional child. I know I am not- but I don't know anyone personally with a child this deep in misery. What a waste. I feel guilt- but my daughter has told me many times it is not our fault. I don't know what I could have done differently. She was always a strong willed and somewhat defiant child- but good grades, social, mostly 'normal'.
I also thought I was the only mother who actively worked on detachment. This has been going on for 10 years. She is an adult. I am 60- but my life is far from over. I want to be happy with my son, grand daughter, husband. We deserve to move on.
Don't we?
