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Substance Abuse
New...... Glad to hear 'Detachment' is not a bad word
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 608898" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi. Your parenting obligations are over. I am also 60 and I am just starting to be able to do the stuff I really enjoy and I won't let my grown adult children's problems stop me from having fun. I feel very sorry for my 35 year old son, who is my problem, but in no way do I change my activities or stop myself from enjoying my other kids because he is a mess. Even though I know he has the ability to kill himself, there is nothing I can do to stop it. You and I have no control over our adult children's choices and we DESERVE to live wonderful lives, even though our children are making seriously dangerous choices that ruin their lives. </p><p></p><p>Detachment is a good thing. We do our grown kids no good by saving them from consequences of their actions or allowing them a safe haven when they continue to be dysfunctional. Have you ever gone to Al-Anon? If not, I think you'd like the face-to-face support, although nobody will make you talk if you don't want to. As for your daughter...part of detachment is letting her face the consequences of her actions, including not giving her money even if she has none. There is no motivation to quit using alcohol and/or other drugs if you will let her come home when she runs out of money or gets into a mess or needs to pay the rent or a new boyfriend kicks her out.</p><p></p><p>Do not feel guilty. At her age, even if you did a few things wrong as every parent has, she is the one who decides her destiny. Enjoy your son's family, your own hobbies, your activities, your job, your life. Being overly involved in this dysfunctional adult child's life will ruin yours and won't do her a bit of good. You can only control one person...yourself. I speak as somebody who has a son in crisis right now who yelled at me just an hour ago for not calling to check up on him today. When I told him I was out with his brother who is autistic, he started his abusive talk and I'm not calling him back. Like you, when I walked away from the phone I just felt numb. </p><p></p><p>These grown kids think we should still parent them like they were ten years old (just because they act ten years old). I disagree. Our relationship changes as they become adults and it is not our obligation to parent them anymore. At our age, it's our turn to live our lives to the fullest. Most decent grown kids are starting to take care of US at our age...lol. Not that we want them too...it's just the way it usually goes as they start to worry about us <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p>My son is a prescription drug substance abuser and a functional alcoholic with mental illness and probably narcissism. He needs help and I can't force him to get any help. I can't make him better. You can't make your daughter better. Please be good to yourself. Detach. Do things that distract you from her problems and don't let her manipulate you. I am having a great day because I have not let son invade my space much today. I'm getting used to our short conversations in which he tells me to &%$@ off or I'm useless. I can just go back to what I was doing before he called me. I don't cry anymore over what he says and know it is the mental illness and/or drugs talking. I am still working on not thinking about his "I'm going to kill myself" threats and threats to others. Those things still give me the creeps and scare me. So I know how hard it can be. </p><p></p><p>Recovering Enabler should be around soon and she has the best, most compassionate and soothing advice ever. Take care of yourself. Please.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 608898, member: 1550"] Hi. Your parenting obligations are over. I am also 60 and I am just starting to be able to do the stuff I really enjoy and I won't let my grown adult children's problems stop me from having fun. I feel very sorry for my 35 year old son, who is my problem, but in no way do I change my activities or stop myself from enjoying my other kids because he is a mess. Even though I know he has the ability to kill himself, there is nothing I can do to stop it. You and I have no control over our adult children's choices and we DESERVE to live wonderful lives, even though our children are making seriously dangerous choices that ruin their lives. Detachment is a good thing. We do our grown kids no good by saving them from consequences of their actions or allowing them a safe haven when they continue to be dysfunctional. Have you ever gone to Al-Anon? If not, I think you'd like the face-to-face support, although nobody will make you talk if you don't want to. As for your daughter...part of detachment is letting her face the consequences of her actions, including not giving her money even if she has none. There is no motivation to quit using alcohol and/or other drugs if you will let her come home when she runs out of money or gets into a mess or needs to pay the rent or a new boyfriend kicks her out. Do not feel guilty. At her age, even if you did a few things wrong as every parent has, she is the one who decides her destiny. Enjoy your son's family, your own hobbies, your activities, your job, your life. Being overly involved in this dysfunctional adult child's life will ruin yours and won't do her a bit of good. You can only control one person...yourself. I speak as somebody who has a son in crisis right now who yelled at me just an hour ago for not calling to check up on him today. When I told him I was out with his brother who is autistic, he started his abusive talk and I'm not calling him back. Like you, when I walked away from the phone I just felt numb. These grown kids think we should still parent them like they were ten years old (just because they act ten years old). I disagree. Our relationship changes as they become adults and it is not our obligation to parent them anymore. At our age, it's our turn to live our lives to the fullest. Most decent grown kids are starting to take care of US at our age...lol. Not that we want them too...it's just the way it usually goes as they start to worry about us :) My son is a prescription drug substance abuser and a functional alcoholic with mental illness and probably narcissism. He needs help and I can't force him to get any help. I can't make him better. You can't make your daughter better. Please be good to yourself. Detach. Do things that distract you from her problems and don't let her manipulate you. I am having a great day because I have not let son invade my space much today. I'm getting used to our short conversations in which he tells me to &%$@ off or I'm useless. I can just go back to what I was doing before he called me. I don't cry anymore over what he says and know it is the mental illness and/or drugs talking. I am still working on not thinking about his "I'm going to kill myself" threats and threats to others. Those things still give me the creeps and scare me. So I know how hard it can be. Recovering Enabler should be around soon and she has the best, most compassionate and soothing advice ever. Take care of yourself. Please. [/QUOTE]
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