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New here and at my wit's end with Aspergers male teen (sorry. its kind of long)
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<blockquote data-quote="trinityroyal" data-source="post: 383722" data-attributes="member: 3907"><p>I don't have time for a long response now, more later. I just wanted to weigh in with a few comments from the "Aspie" perspective.</p><p></p><p>1) Cameron may not be aware of the intense emotion he is generating in you and your fiance with his defiant behaviour, for example the door slamming. He may have no idea that slamming the door makes you angry. "Angry" may mean something completely different to him than it does to you, and he may just not see why it's a problem.</p><p></p><p>2) It's possible that he's experimenting, in order to learn the different degrees of anger so that he can establish boundaries. One thing to keep in mind with Aspergers is the literal-ness that JJJ and MidwestMom have mentioned. "Don't slam the door" might be interpreted as "Don't swing the door as hard as I can", but it might not mean "Don't close the door loudly". Have you tried showing him how you would like him to close the door? "Close it this way" is far more effective because it tells him what you want him to do, rather than what you don't want him to do. If you only say "don't", he has no idea what he's supposed to change in order to fix the issue.</p><p></p><p>3) Regarding the defiance, the same issue may be at play. If you don't provide enough concrete, specific information, then a lot of confusion results. Here's an example from my childhood.</p><p></p><p>When I was in Gr. 7, I had a substitute teacher who was much stricter and spoke with a much louder voice than my usual teacher. One day I was a bit late getting to class. He yelled, "Trinity, sit down THIS INSTANT!" So I did. I sat down. On the floor, because I hadn't yet made it to my desk. The other children in my class were howling with laughter, the teacher was furious, and I had no idea what had caused either reaction. The teacher told me to sit, I sat. I was following his instructions. I didn't understand that he meant. "Go as quickly as possible to your desk and then sit down in your chair". To me, "Sit down this instant" meant exactly that. Cameron might have the same literal-minded view, and need more information than he's currently getting.</p><p></p><p>Just want to add, welcome, glad you found us, but sorry you had to.</p><p></p><p>Trinity</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="trinityroyal, post: 383722, member: 3907"] I don't have time for a long response now, more later. I just wanted to weigh in with a few comments from the "Aspie" perspective. 1) Cameron may not be aware of the intense emotion he is generating in you and your fiance with his defiant behaviour, for example the door slamming. He may have no idea that slamming the door makes you angry. "Angry" may mean something completely different to him than it does to you, and he may just not see why it's a problem. 2) It's possible that he's experimenting, in order to learn the different degrees of anger so that he can establish boundaries. One thing to keep in mind with Aspergers is the literal-ness that JJJ and MidwestMom have mentioned. "Don't slam the door" might be interpreted as "Don't swing the door as hard as I can", but it might not mean "Don't close the door loudly". Have you tried showing him how you would like him to close the door? "Close it this way" is far more effective because it tells him what you want him to do, rather than what you don't want him to do. If you only say "don't", he has no idea what he's supposed to change in order to fix the issue. 3) Regarding the defiance, the same issue may be at play. If you don't provide enough concrete, specific information, then a lot of confusion results. Here's an example from my childhood. When I was in Gr. 7, I had a substitute teacher who was much stricter and spoke with a much louder voice than my usual teacher. One day I was a bit late getting to class. He yelled, "Trinity, sit down THIS INSTANT!" So I did. I sat down. On the floor, because I hadn't yet made it to my desk. The other children in my class were howling with laughter, the teacher was furious, and I had no idea what had caused either reaction. The teacher told me to sit, I sat. I was following his instructions. I didn't understand that he meant. "Go as quickly as possible to your desk and then sit down in your chair". To me, "Sit down this instant" meant exactly that. Cameron might have the same literal-minded view, and need more information than he's currently getting. Just want to add, welcome, glad you found us, but sorry you had to. Trinity [/QUOTE]
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