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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 618358" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>Goodmom,</p><p>I completely agree with the others. Why are you letting your son stay in your house? Are you hoping that by showing him kindness and loving support he will learn it by modelling? Are you hoping that by using the same approach you have presumably used for 30 plus years (being responsible and caretaking) that he will suddenly become different? Because if it didn't work for the first 30 years it isn't going to work now...you know that.</p><p></p><p>I agree with MWM's recommendation to read Co-dependent no more, if you haven't read it. It is shockingly eye-opening about our own behavior. I think you will find it freeing, and it may give you the strength to take the next steps. If it helps, when I read it I DIDN"T EVEN KNOW WHAT WAS WRONG with some of the vignettes they told to illustrate severely dysfunctional co-dependent behavior! You may find the same.</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry your mom is making it harder. My mom, who was generally very loving and supportive (dead now for 4 years), tried really hard to help with difficult child..she genuinely loved him and saw the good in him. When we took the step of sending him to military school in a desperate attempt to give him structure, she said (and this was harsh cricticism from her) that we weren't being very nice, that we were just throwing him out because he didn't fit our needs. That still hurts. I'd still like to get her to see my point of view...but I can't. And likely you won't be able to either. </p><p></p><p>I'm struck by his making up receipts and showing them to you. Why does he need to show them to you? You aren't the law...what is he trying to prove? Is he just lying so he can stay in your house? Is he manipulating you? The whole relationship is messed up there...you shouldn't be in the middle of child support issues, its between him, his ex, his kid, and the law. You have no role there, and he shouldn't be draggin you in, especially in a completely fabricated manner. </p><p></p><p>He needs to leave. As fast as you can get him out. Keep posting..we will help you through this, cause we all know that it is very very very hard. </p><p></p><p>Echo</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 618358, member: 17269"] Goodmom, I completely agree with the others. Why are you letting your son stay in your house? Are you hoping that by showing him kindness and loving support he will learn it by modelling? Are you hoping that by using the same approach you have presumably used for 30 plus years (being responsible and caretaking) that he will suddenly become different? Because if it didn't work for the first 30 years it isn't going to work now...you know that. I agree with MWM's recommendation to read Co-dependent no more, if you haven't read it. It is shockingly eye-opening about our own behavior. I think you will find it freeing, and it may give you the strength to take the next steps. If it helps, when I read it I DIDN"T EVEN KNOW WHAT WAS WRONG with some of the vignettes they told to illustrate severely dysfunctional co-dependent behavior! You may find the same. I'm sorry your mom is making it harder. My mom, who was generally very loving and supportive (dead now for 4 years), tried really hard to help with difficult child..she genuinely loved him and saw the good in him. When we took the step of sending him to military school in a desperate attempt to give him structure, she said (and this was harsh cricticism from her) that we weren't being very nice, that we were just throwing him out because he didn't fit our needs. That still hurts. I'd still like to get her to see my point of view...but I can't. And likely you won't be able to either. I'm struck by his making up receipts and showing them to you. Why does he need to show them to you? You aren't the law...what is he trying to prove? Is he just lying so he can stay in your house? Is he manipulating you? The whole relationship is messed up there...you shouldn't be in the middle of child support issues, its between him, his ex, his kid, and the law. You have no role there, and he shouldn't be draggin you in, especially in a completely fabricated manner. He needs to leave. As fast as you can get him out. Keep posting..we will help you through this, cause we all know that it is very very very hard. Echo [/QUOTE]
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