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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 523192" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>((((()hugs))))</p><p></p><p>I am sorry for all of the difficulties and turmoil you have endured. It is great to meet you though! </p><p></p><p>Your story brings up a lot of thoughts. First of all, do you have children under age 18 in the home, or anyone who you are the guardian of? if so, that person's needs MUST come before those of an adult addicted difficult child (difficult child who brought you here - hover your mouse over the abbreviations you don't understand to get a quick definition). The needs of a minor MUST be your top priority, along with those of any adult that you are guardian of (I don't know your daughter's situation). Are you aware that if you are allowing an adult drug user to live in your home, children's services can remove any minor children in your home, and anyone you are guardian of? this isn't likely to happen, but it can and it can be used as a reason to not let your sons live in the home. </p><p></p><p>what good will it do to kick your son out? Has your husband ever gone to alanon, narcanon, any 12 step program? One of the things that is soooo common sense but we FORGET as parents is that every single penny we give or spend on our kds is one more penny they have to spend on drugs. It really IS that smple. If your child can find money to satisfy an addiction then they can find money to survive on If THEY WANT It. that is the key part. according to some figures I just found, the average heroin user spends <span style="color: #ff0000"><strong>$150-$200 per day</strong></span> on their drugs. If your kids can come up with this, then they can support themselves. if they had $500 per day, they would NOT smoke $250 and pay bills/rent/etc... with the rest. they would smoke $500 worth of drugs each day. Having to find a place to live will mean he has to find the money to pay for that. or someone to mooch off of, which never lasts forever. kicking them out and not helping them with anything, or helping with the bare minimum you can handle, will bring their bottom up to to them and help get them into treatment sooner. That is why you don't rescue someone with an addiction. the harder things are, the more they want help. </p><p></p><p>What do you do when the relatives call with problems with the boys? Has it ever occurred to you that it is none of your business? You really don't have to listen to it all. You can tell htem that you honor their choice to let the twins live with them, but you do not want to hear about problems and you won't suggest ways to handle any issues/problems or whatever else comes up. You love them and yoru sons, but these are not things you can handle or fix. No one will like it - they ARE your kids after all. Nope. They WERE your kids. Now they are their own adults. Period. A lot of this is called learning to detach, and you can find a lot of great info in the archives about it. </p><p></p><p> As parents of adult children, our role is different. We don't have a say. we can be a sounding board, offer opinions when asked, but we cannot control or force anything our children do with other adults. I am sure that you have let the family know why your sons are not allowed to live iwth you. What you are upset with, etc.... they then chose to enable and house and help them. that felt like a slap upside the face, didn't it? it wasn't meant that way. THEY couldn't let go of your sons and the promising future they hoped for and they (the relatives) thought they could fix the problems. What goes on with your adult children and the adult family members is only your business if you are one of the involved adults. </p><p></p><p>As you have decided to not have your sons live with you, you need to define what all that means? no contact other than at group/family events? You also need to let the family know that if either or both of the boys have done something wrong, it is not something you will listen to, be part of, fix, help, talk to them about, or otherwise have any part of it. Until they have successfully gone through treatment and are living in recovery, you will only interact on specific terms. You and husband need to figure out ahead of time what you will and won't do - what are the limits, what are the boundaries? No contact? bail money only? Only rides when too drunk/stoned to drive? car repairs? sunday dinners? this si YOUR family and we can tell you that certan things are recommended or worked for us, but you have to live it, so the ONLY "right" boundaries are the ones that you can live with. if you won't stick to a boundary or conseuqence, don't say it.</p><p></p><p>It IS hard. in my opinion there is little that is harder. some of our kids just cannot learn except the hardest way possible. Please, if you find things missing, press charges.. if your son breaks in, press charges. Yes, it is a PITA and the family will be upset. it is also a way to let the boys know that you are done being a victim. NONe of this is a fast set of events and there will be a lot of mistakes. You are doing a great job, and more importantly, doing the best you can. keep up the good work!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 523192, member: 1233"] ((((()hugs)))) I am sorry for all of the difficulties and turmoil you have endured. It is great to meet you though! Your story brings up a lot of thoughts. First of all, do you have children under age 18 in the home, or anyone who you are the guardian of? if so, that person's needs MUST come before those of an adult addicted difficult child (difficult child who brought you here - hover your mouse over the abbreviations you don't understand to get a quick definition). The needs of a minor MUST be your top priority, along with those of any adult that you are guardian of (I don't know your daughter's situation). Are you aware that if you are allowing an adult drug user to live in your home, children's services can remove any minor children in your home, and anyone you are guardian of? this isn't likely to happen, but it can and it can be used as a reason to not let your sons live in the home. what good will it do to kick your son out? Has your husband ever gone to alanon, narcanon, any 12 step program? One of the things that is soooo common sense but we FORGET as parents is that every single penny we give or spend on our kds is one more penny they have to spend on drugs. It really IS that smple. If your child can find money to satisfy an addiction then they can find money to survive on If THEY WANT It. that is the key part. according to some figures I just found, the average heroin user spends [COLOR=#ff0000][B]$150-$200 per day[/B][/COLOR] on their drugs. If your kids can come up with this, then they can support themselves. if they had $500 per day, they would NOT smoke $250 and pay bills/rent/etc... with the rest. they would smoke $500 worth of drugs each day. Having to find a place to live will mean he has to find the money to pay for that. or someone to mooch off of, which never lasts forever. kicking them out and not helping them with anything, or helping with the bare minimum you can handle, will bring their bottom up to to them and help get them into treatment sooner. That is why you don't rescue someone with an addiction. the harder things are, the more they want help. What do you do when the relatives call with problems with the boys? Has it ever occurred to you that it is none of your business? You really don't have to listen to it all. You can tell htem that you honor their choice to let the twins live with them, but you do not want to hear about problems and you won't suggest ways to handle any issues/problems or whatever else comes up. You love them and yoru sons, but these are not things you can handle or fix. No one will like it - they ARE your kids after all. Nope. They WERE your kids. Now they are their own adults. Period. A lot of this is called learning to detach, and you can find a lot of great info in the archives about it. As parents of adult children, our role is different. We don't have a say. we can be a sounding board, offer opinions when asked, but we cannot control or force anything our children do with other adults. I am sure that you have let the family know why your sons are not allowed to live iwth you. What you are upset with, etc.... they then chose to enable and house and help them. that felt like a slap upside the face, didn't it? it wasn't meant that way. THEY couldn't let go of your sons and the promising future they hoped for and they (the relatives) thought they could fix the problems. What goes on with your adult children and the adult family members is only your business if you are one of the involved adults. As you have decided to not have your sons live with you, you need to define what all that means? no contact other than at group/family events? You also need to let the family know that if either or both of the boys have done something wrong, it is not something you will listen to, be part of, fix, help, talk to them about, or otherwise have any part of it. Until they have successfully gone through treatment and are living in recovery, you will only interact on specific terms. You and husband need to figure out ahead of time what you will and won't do - what are the limits, what are the boundaries? No contact? bail money only? Only rides when too drunk/stoned to drive? car repairs? sunday dinners? this si YOUR family and we can tell you that certan things are recommended or worked for us, but you have to live it, so the ONLY "right" boundaries are the ones that you can live with. if you won't stick to a boundary or conseuqence, don't say it. It IS hard. in my opinion there is little that is harder. some of our kids just cannot learn except the hardest way possible. Please, if you find things missing, press charges.. if your son breaks in, press charges. Yes, it is a PITA and the family will be upset. it is also a way to let the boys know that you are done being a victim. NONe of this is a fast set of events and there will be a lot of mistakes. You are doing a great job, and more importantly, doing the best you can. keep up the good work! [/QUOTE]
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