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<blockquote data-quote="meowbunny" data-source="post: 209113" data-attributes="member: 3626"><p>Vent away! We're good at listening. I can only imagine your PTSD over all of his past behavior and having him back in the home cannot be helping in the least.</p><p> </p><p>The odds of him surviving basic training sound pretty slim. But, who knows, his desire to one-up his father may give him the impetus to succeed and more than one punk has grown into a man in the military. Miracles really do happen. Give it a chance. View it as a way for your stepson to prove he is more than he thinks he is (and I'm willing to bet that deep down he thinks very little of himself unless he is a true sociopath).</p><p> </p><p>I can remember once talking to my father about an officer he had during WWII that was a complete and total idiot. Don't know why this stuck with me, but it did. I asked dad how he could salute this man (a sign of total respect to me), let alone follow his orders. My dad told me he didn't salute the man, he saluted the bars on his shoulder and his uniform. As to following his orders, he did his best to circumvent those orders whenever possible.</p><p> </p><p>I know you're scared and angry but you have to find a way to let the anger go. Your stepson sounds like he's done some pretty horrific things and I can only imagine the fear and pan. Do your best to try to find one good thing he does every day -- even if that "good" is staying in his room or sleeping late. Write it down. Hopefully, over time, you'll begin to see a little of the good and be able to let some of the anger go.</p><p> </p><p>Give him credit that he is following the rules of no violence, etc. It sounds like he is pretty used to getting his own way and using whatever means possible to get them. That he is holding that violence in check is actually a pretty big thing. I know that gives you little comfort but, for your own sake, you need to find peace in any way you can. Otherwise, it is going to eat you alive.</p><p> </p><p>Try to be as civil as possible to him. You don't have to shower him with kindness but treat him as you would a total stranger at a party -- politely but not necessarily friendly. It is not for his good, it is for your well-being and the good of your household. The tension has to be unbearable.</p><p> </p><p>I know it is kind of late for this, but has he ever had a complete psychiatric evaluation? It sounds like something is seriously askew and there may be medications that can help him. Is there any chance he would be willing to go for one?</p><p> </p><p>Remember, the reality is you can't change him. He will be what he chooses to be. However, you can change you. You're the only one you really can control. You can give him choices and it is up to him what he chooses to do with those choices. We can give you advice, a shoulder, a hug and it is up to you what you choose to do with them. My main advice for you is to try to find a way to let the anger and resentment go as much as humanly possible. Not for him, but for you and you alone. If you need the help of a therapist or medication for this, go for it. Do what you have to do for you.</p><p> </p><p>For now, gentle hugs. Believe it or not, many of us do understand your pain, your fear and your anger. We've been there done that to one degree or another.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="meowbunny, post: 209113, member: 3626"] Vent away! We're good at listening. I can only imagine your PTSD over all of his past behavior and having him back in the home cannot be helping in the least. The odds of him surviving basic training sound pretty slim. But, who knows, his desire to one-up his father may give him the impetus to succeed and more than one punk has grown into a man in the military. Miracles really do happen. Give it a chance. View it as a way for your stepson to prove he is more than he thinks he is (and I'm willing to bet that deep down he thinks very little of himself unless he is a true sociopath). I can remember once talking to my father about an officer he had during WWII that was a complete and total idiot. Don't know why this stuck with me, but it did. I asked dad how he could salute this man (a sign of total respect to me), let alone follow his orders. My dad told me he didn't salute the man, he saluted the bars on his shoulder and his uniform. As to following his orders, he did his best to circumvent those orders whenever possible. I know you're scared and angry but you have to find a way to let the anger go. Your stepson sounds like he's done some pretty horrific things and I can only imagine the fear and pan. Do your best to try to find one good thing he does every day -- even if that "good" is staying in his room or sleeping late. Write it down. Hopefully, over time, you'll begin to see a little of the good and be able to let some of the anger go. Give him credit that he is following the rules of no violence, etc. It sounds like he is pretty used to getting his own way and using whatever means possible to get them. That he is holding that violence in check is actually a pretty big thing. I know that gives you little comfort but, for your own sake, you need to find peace in any way you can. Otherwise, it is going to eat you alive. Try to be as civil as possible to him. You don't have to shower him with kindness but treat him as you would a total stranger at a party -- politely but not necessarily friendly. It is not for his good, it is for your well-being and the good of your household. The tension has to be unbearable. I know it is kind of late for this, but has he ever had a complete psychiatric evaluation? It sounds like something is seriously askew and there may be medications that can help him. Is there any chance he would be willing to go for one? Remember, the reality is you can't change him. He will be what he chooses to be. However, you can change you. You're the only one you really can control. You can give him choices and it is up to him what he chooses to do with those choices. We can give you advice, a shoulder, a hug and it is up to you what you choose to do with them. My main advice for you is to try to find a way to let the anger and resentment go as much as humanly possible. Not for him, but for you and you alone. If you need the help of a therapist or medication for this, go for it. Do what you have to do for you. For now, gentle hugs. Believe it or not, many of us do understand your pain, your fear and your anger. We've been there done that to one degree or another. [/QUOTE]
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