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New here -- scared and sad
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 530187" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Hi Teatime - </p><p></p><p>Welcome to the Board, and the family. First of all - You'd have to know after coming here and seeing that there are SO many members and so many wonderful parents giving advice (Men and Women) that you are NOT alone in this. There are thousands upon thousands of parents struggling, unknowing, frustrated, scared, angry - bitter...with similar, same, and nearly exact situations as yours. One of the best things about this site when I first came here years and years ago was seeing that I didn't have the only son that acted out, or behaved like a monkey on fire. In a way it was sad, but in others? It was actually calming. Kinda like I found my group of people in the dessert and was accepted not rejected. I could tell them anything - and not get raised eyebrows or furled foreheads. No one was judgemental - not in this world. And if they were? It was because they had my back - in a loving way - a caring way -with MY best interests and actually -my sons too. </p><p></p><p>Me saying the words - THROW HIM OUT - come off as pretty harsh. It's your son we're talking about here. Your baby, the child you know, you love and you see things in him that the rest of the world never will. Never has. So I say "Throw him out." and immediately you get a twinge of defensiveness. (shrugs) Natural - and actually - It's normal, and probably a good reaction because a good Mom will always in her heart stick up for her child. You see the side of him also that is not who YOU know him to be. The lying, stealing, drug doing, loafer. It's puzzling and while you can't put your finger on it? You've tried to motivate him and NOTHING has worked. Well this (as they say) is the proverbial end of the line. This IS (throwing him out) where the rubber meets the road and he finally gets to see (and you too) what you've been preparing him for ALL.HIS.LIFE. Whether either of you know it or not. Is it unfortunate that it happens to go like this? Well of course. This isnt' how you had it pictured in your head when he was a baby, a toddler - as you watched him go through school.....Lord none of us pictured this - but we kept readjusting our dreams and our hopes - and well? (scratches head- exhales hard) IT is what it is and now it's time for him to get out, grow up and see how good he HAS had it. </p><p></p><p>It's not going to be easy on you most of all. Why? Oh well because you'll worry - he won't call, when he does he'll talk about killing himself, and starving, and junk like that - to get your goat. And you'll fall for it if you don't get some therapy or detach. And is there a chance that he really will commit suicide? Well you know - there's a chance that he could live WITH you and do that. There's a chance that he could drink himself to death with friends, or smoke some laced pot - and commit suicide. So yes, there's always that chance in every day life that any of us could choose to do that - whether we live at home or out in the world. That is a choice that only we have with ourself and if it comes to that? It will be his choice - as much as choosing to get a job, live by your rules, not yell at you, go to school - obey their rules. He had choices to go to therapy - and all that ---and CHOOSE not to. You were there - you tried to help - that was YOUR choice. His choice was to blow it all off. NOW his choice is to get out and live life the best way he can and leave you alone and fend for himself and GROW UP. </p><p></p><p>The things he's angry about? Have little to do with you. He's been angry for a long, long time. I'm not an expert - but I would say it has a lot to do with loosing his Dad. Not understanding any of it "REALLY" or maybe it has nothing to do with that and there was a life event around 5th grade that he's never shared and he needs to talk it out with someone. Hard to tell - but point being - there IS free counseling available - and there ARE places for him to stay, and there IS work - day labor like janet said - with or without diploma. </p><p></p><p>The advice the others gave you about calling a Domestic Violence shelter and getting some information is excellent - I would call anonymously and see what they tell you. Stress will decline your health quicker than anything - and when you're gone? Just how do you expect your son to manage? IF he's not grown up enough to take care and fend for himself? He hasn't thought about that. I mean not to be blunt but if you're dead you're not going to have any pills to sell - He needs to let you be - go live his life - get his mess straightened out - and YOU need to allow that to happen. And also - talk to someone about how that makes you feel because YOU have been an excellent Mother - it doesn't stop just because he's out of the house you know....you're still his Mom.....just from a distance maybe -----but you're still going to need help to cope with this and if you're private and have no one - (like I did ) you have us....you need a therapist.....and if you do what they tell you - eventually -= give it a couple years - or less? He'll come around. </p><p></p><p>Sounds harsh - but he's been since 5th grade in the making - going to take some time to undo his line of thinking......</p><p></p><p>Hugs and love </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 530187, member: 4964"] Hi Teatime - Welcome to the Board, and the family. First of all - You'd have to know after coming here and seeing that there are SO many members and so many wonderful parents giving advice (Men and Women) that you are NOT alone in this. There are thousands upon thousands of parents struggling, unknowing, frustrated, scared, angry - bitter...with similar, same, and nearly exact situations as yours. One of the best things about this site when I first came here years and years ago was seeing that I didn't have the only son that acted out, or behaved like a monkey on fire. In a way it was sad, but in others? It was actually calming. Kinda like I found my group of people in the dessert and was accepted not rejected. I could tell them anything - and not get raised eyebrows or furled foreheads. No one was judgemental - not in this world. And if they were? It was because they had my back - in a loving way - a caring way -with MY best interests and actually -my sons too. Me saying the words - THROW HIM OUT - come off as pretty harsh. It's your son we're talking about here. Your baby, the child you know, you love and you see things in him that the rest of the world never will. Never has. So I say "Throw him out." and immediately you get a twinge of defensiveness. (shrugs) Natural - and actually - It's normal, and probably a good reaction because a good Mom will always in her heart stick up for her child. You see the side of him also that is not who YOU know him to be. The lying, stealing, drug doing, loafer. It's puzzling and while you can't put your finger on it? You've tried to motivate him and NOTHING has worked. Well this (as they say) is the proverbial end of the line. This IS (throwing him out) where the rubber meets the road and he finally gets to see (and you too) what you've been preparing him for ALL.HIS.LIFE. Whether either of you know it or not. Is it unfortunate that it happens to go like this? Well of course. This isnt' how you had it pictured in your head when he was a baby, a toddler - as you watched him go through school.....Lord none of us pictured this - but we kept readjusting our dreams and our hopes - and well? (scratches head- exhales hard) IT is what it is and now it's time for him to get out, grow up and see how good he HAS had it. It's not going to be easy on you most of all. Why? Oh well because you'll worry - he won't call, when he does he'll talk about killing himself, and starving, and junk like that - to get your goat. And you'll fall for it if you don't get some therapy or detach. And is there a chance that he really will commit suicide? Well you know - there's a chance that he could live WITH you and do that. There's a chance that he could drink himself to death with friends, or smoke some laced pot - and commit suicide. So yes, there's always that chance in every day life that any of us could choose to do that - whether we live at home or out in the world. That is a choice that only we have with ourself and if it comes to that? It will be his choice - as much as choosing to get a job, live by your rules, not yell at you, go to school - obey their rules. He had choices to go to therapy - and all that ---and CHOOSE not to. You were there - you tried to help - that was YOUR choice. His choice was to blow it all off. NOW his choice is to get out and live life the best way he can and leave you alone and fend for himself and GROW UP. The things he's angry about? Have little to do with you. He's been angry for a long, long time. I'm not an expert - but I would say it has a lot to do with loosing his Dad. Not understanding any of it "REALLY" or maybe it has nothing to do with that and there was a life event around 5th grade that he's never shared and he needs to talk it out with someone. Hard to tell - but point being - there IS free counseling available - and there ARE places for him to stay, and there IS work - day labor like janet said - with or without diploma. The advice the others gave you about calling a Domestic Violence shelter and getting some information is excellent - I would call anonymously and see what they tell you. Stress will decline your health quicker than anything - and when you're gone? Just how do you expect your son to manage? IF he's not grown up enough to take care and fend for himself? He hasn't thought about that. I mean not to be blunt but if you're dead you're not going to have any pills to sell - He needs to let you be - go live his life - get his mess straightened out - and YOU need to allow that to happen. And also - talk to someone about how that makes you feel because YOU have been an excellent Mother - it doesn't stop just because he's out of the house you know....you're still his Mom.....just from a distance maybe -----but you're still going to need help to cope with this and if you're private and have no one - (like I did ) you have us....you need a therapist.....and if you do what they tell you - eventually -= give it a couple years - or less? He'll come around. Sounds harsh - but he's been since 5th grade in the making - going to take some time to undo his line of thinking...... Hugs and love Star [/QUOTE]
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