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New here -- scared and sad
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 530595" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Teatime, </p><p></p><p>I think the important thing right now is to get some support in place for yourself. Your son is not going to change, putting him out at this point would be the best thing, but I think reading between the lines here - it's a catch 22 - you need someone to take care of you and anyone at this point is better than no one - even if they are abusive, stealing, and manipulative - at least he's free right? Because I'm not sure with the impending surgery that you would qualify for surgery, and any type of respite care on Medicare, followed by home health care visits or a nurse. You know - someone that your insurance could provide for you that wouldn't yell at you, steal from you, and abuse you, but would take care of you. (YES I am being sarcastic here) SO is it a matter of time involved that is stopping you from asking for this help or is it that you're embarrased to ask a stranger to help you, or too strong willed? Because my thoughts keep circling back to WHY would someone who is as intelligent as you - put up with such a horrific situation? And I AM NOT JUDGING - (you'd have to hear MY life story to understand that) I'm ASKING ONLY. </p><p></p><p>If your son is mentally ill, then he's mentally ill and you have to realize something - There is probably very little chance that he WILL accept that fact, and less chance that he will EVER accept help, therapy, or medicaitons for it. His brain is kinda set - it found the best way it could to deal with what it has dealt with -and it's patterns are engrained. To change that? It would take years of therapy, and possible medications, and most importantly - him accepting YUP there is something wrong with my behaviors...and WANTING to change. I don't see anything in any of your posts that says "I'm sorry for how I treat you Mom, I want to change." The fact that he's so intelligent, and can make it through school, get to college? Is phenominal and maybe this is a disorder not necessarily a mental illness - and it (whatever it is) CAN be helped or at least controlled - the rages, the out of control yelling, the mood swings - and once that's under control and he feels about () much better about himself - he may start to think he can do more for himself and want to - but as it stands - he's not in a good mood, constantly lashing out - angry about everything - and takes it out on his crippled, and ailing Mom in a huge and large way.....and now wants to sell her pain medications to supply his life with necessities. That's not to me - mentally ill - that's the mind of a thinking person - a manipulative thinker. The fact that he lived in a tent and didn't make it? Ended up in the hospital? been there done that - and when mine entered the hospital? I got a call with the crying and the I'm sorries -I'm living under bridges, eating out of dumpsters..and I'm sick - and I said "Sounds like you've been survivng anyway - I'm glad you had enough instincts to survive - where are you goign to go when you leave the hospital?" (because he wasn't coming home) that ship had sailed. I hung up the phone and cried for hours - but amazingly - he managed to get a job - and get food, and a place to stay - and he did end up in the hospital and he made a lot more mistakes since - but he's learning....I'm NOT there to bail him out of every single situation. I'll be there to support him, and help him right wrongs - and give him a hand up if he's trying. </p><p></p><p>What you are going through Tea - is unimaginable. I was diagnosis with scleroderma about 5 years ago. I read up on it and it scared the living daylights out of me. I was also diagnosis with the possibility lupus at the same time. LOVELY. I came home from the doctors, ast in the field at our house in the car and cried for oh I dunno thirty minutes at least. Then I got up the courage to tell my fiance what the doctor said. What it was, and how our lives would change. He's disabled - broken back, broken knees - going blind, lost his hearing - and life just keeps getting more fun by the year. (insert squiggly face here) and I was morbidly obese -according to the insurance company - at 5'7 - you're supposed to be like - 100 lbs. (hahah) I was 298.....and no one knew what was really wrong with me. I just kept getting shuffled from doctor to doctor, specialist to specialist and finally in desperation i got sent to this woman a nurse -and she said - DO THIS - and you'll be like THIS - and I did - and voila - It wasn't scleroderma, it wasn't lupus - although theyre not ruling it out totally on the lupus - and she said I had syndrome X - pre diabetes - changed my diet - I dropped 165 lbs....and Now I feel better - and so far no tests have come back pos. for Scleroderma. I could just kick that doctor that told me that's what I have. I can't imagine how brave you must be to face each day. I lived with the THOUGHT of it for a few weeks - and you live WITH it every day. My heart goes out to you. It really, really does. </p><p></p><p>If you need your son there for now? then so be it. I think the proof of your life - was in your first statement though - YOU said it was peaceful when he went into the city - I bet those few days were lovely -I think you need to imagine HOW those days could stretch to weeks......and how much better YOUR quality of life would be if they were peaceful. At 24? He's a grown man - even if he does have issues. And i guess my last question is - At WHAT age are you going to give yourself permission for him to grow up - and get out and find out these things for himself? You need to know that it's okay for him to struggle - and figure out things on his own. Its not comfortable.....it's not what you wanted for him......but it's okay to push him out of the nest and let him fly. Even if he walks .....and does not fly....it's okay. You're still a good....GREAT Mom. Because that's what great Moms do - We accept the fact that even some of our kids are going to take more lumps that others - and we allow them that right -------and svck up the heartache behind a facade of "GO GET EM HONEY! You're doing great!" In the mean time - we pray - we cry, we ask God WHY MY KID? We get frustrated, we wonder, we hope..we scream and we wait...and hopefully they don't kill us and we don't die before we get to see some improvement in them. </p><p></p><p>I wish I could make it all easier for you ------You've got too many hard decisions to make alone..... we're here to support you! </p><p>Hugs & Love </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 530595, member: 4964"] Teatime, I think the important thing right now is to get some support in place for yourself. Your son is not going to change, putting him out at this point would be the best thing, but I think reading between the lines here - it's a catch 22 - you need someone to take care of you and anyone at this point is better than no one - even if they are abusive, stealing, and manipulative - at least he's free right? Because I'm not sure with the impending surgery that you would qualify for surgery, and any type of respite care on Medicare, followed by home health care visits or a nurse. You know - someone that your insurance could provide for you that wouldn't yell at you, steal from you, and abuse you, but would take care of you. (YES I am being sarcastic here) SO is it a matter of time involved that is stopping you from asking for this help or is it that you're embarrased to ask a stranger to help you, or too strong willed? Because my thoughts keep circling back to WHY would someone who is as intelligent as you - put up with such a horrific situation? And I AM NOT JUDGING - (you'd have to hear MY life story to understand that) I'm ASKING ONLY. If your son is mentally ill, then he's mentally ill and you have to realize something - There is probably very little chance that he WILL accept that fact, and less chance that he will EVER accept help, therapy, or medicaitons for it. His brain is kinda set - it found the best way it could to deal with what it has dealt with -and it's patterns are engrained. To change that? It would take years of therapy, and possible medications, and most importantly - him accepting YUP there is something wrong with my behaviors...and WANTING to change. I don't see anything in any of your posts that says "I'm sorry for how I treat you Mom, I want to change." The fact that he's so intelligent, and can make it through school, get to college? Is phenominal and maybe this is a disorder not necessarily a mental illness - and it (whatever it is) CAN be helped or at least controlled - the rages, the out of control yelling, the mood swings - and once that's under control and he feels about () much better about himself - he may start to think he can do more for himself and want to - but as it stands - he's not in a good mood, constantly lashing out - angry about everything - and takes it out on his crippled, and ailing Mom in a huge and large way.....and now wants to sell her pain medications to supply his life with necessities. That's not to me - mentally ill - that's the mind of a thinking person - a manipulative thinker. The fact that he lived in a tent and didn't make it? Ended up in the hospital? been there done that - and when mine entered the hospital? I got a call with the crying and the I'm sorries -I'm living under bridges, eating out of dumpsters..and I'm sick - and I said "Sounds like you've been survivng anyway - I'm glad you had enough instincts to survive - where are you goign to go when you leave the hospital?" (because he wasn't coming home) that ship had sailed. I hung up the phone and cried for hours - but amazingly - he managed to get a job - and get food, and a place to stay - and he did end up in the hospital and he made a lot more mistakes since - but he's learning....I'm NOT there to bail him out of every single situation. I'll be there to support him, and help him right wrongs - and give him a hand up if he's trying. What you are going through Tea - is unimaginable. I was diagnosis with scleroderma about 5 years ago. I read up on it and it scared the living daylights out of me. I was also diagnosis with the possibility lupus at the same time. LOVELY. I came home from the doctors, ast in the field at our house in the car and cried for oh I dunno thirty minutes at least. Then I got up the courage to tell my fiance what the doctor said. What it was, and how our lives would change. He's disabled - broken back, broken knees - going blind, lost his hearing - and life just keeps getting more fun by the year. (insert squiggly face here) and I was morbidly obese -according to the insurance company - at 5'7 - you're supposed to be like - 100 lbs. (hahah) I was 298.....and no one knew what was really wrong with me. I just kept getting shuffled from doctor to doctor, specialist to specialist and finally in desperation i got sent to this woman a nurse -and she said - DO THIS - and you'll be like THIS - and I did - and voila - It wasn't scleroderma, it wasn't lupus - although theyre not ruling it out totally on the lupus - and she said I had syndrome X - pre diabetes - changed my diet - I dropped 165 lbs....and Now I feel better - and so far no tests have come back pos. for Scleroderma. I could just kick that doctor that told me that's what I have. I can't imagine how brave you must be to face each day. I lived with the THOUGHT of it for a few weeks - and you live WITH it every day. My heart goes out to you. It really, really does. If you need your son there for now? then so be it. I think the proof of your life - was in your first statement though - YOU said it was peaceful when he went into the city - I bet those few days were lovely -I think you need to imagine HOW those days could stretch to weeks......and how much better YOUR quality of life would be if they were peaceful. At 24? He's a grown man - even if he does have issues. And i guess my last question is - At WHAT age are you going to give yourself permission for him to grow up - and get out and find out these things for himself? You need to know that it's okay for him to struggle - and figure out things on his own. Its not comfortable.....it's not what you wanted for him......but it's okay to push him out of the nest and let him fly. Even if he walks .....and does not fly....it's okay. You're still a good....GREAT Mom. Because that's what great Moms do - We accept the fact that even some of our kids are going to take more lumps that others - and we allow them that right -------and svck up the heartache behind a facade of "GO GET EM HONEY! You're doing great!" In the mean time - we pray - we cry, we ask God WHY MY KID? We get frustrated, we wonder, we hope..we scream and we wait...and hopefully they don't kill us and we don't die before we get to see some improvement in them. I wish I could make it all easier for you ------You've got too many hard decisions to make alone..... we're here to support you! Hugs & Love Star [/QUOTE]
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