Hi Dagmar and welcome!
If you could make a signature, it would help us out a lot to remember your particulars.
http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8399
I couldn't agree more with busywend. Raising a child with challenging behaviors can take the life right out of you. It is really imperative that you not only take care of yourself (emotionally and physically) but that you make a conscious effort to nurture your marriage because in the frenzy of dealing with- behaviors, sometimes we forget about our partners (just ask my husband
).
I'm not a big fan of self-help books, with the exception of "The Explosive Child". This book helped me get a grip on what I was trying to do. It's easy to fall into the trap of trying to address all behaviors all the time, and that's just not realistic. Dr. Greene talks about prioritizing behaviors into baskets, A being the nonnegotiable stuff, B being kinda important but not necessarily stuff you want to go to the mat on all the time, and C being stuff that can wait. In our home, violence was always basket A, because my difficult child was violent more often than not. Stuff like cursing and hygiene were basket C because in the grand scheme of our life at the time, they just weren't that important. Baskets are different for different families - it just depends on what you're dealing with.
Who diagnosed your son? How were his developmental milestones (early, on time, late)? How is he doing in school? Is there a family history of mood disorders/depression/substance abuse (possible indicator of an undiagnosed/untreated mood disorder)? I ask the last question because ODD is really more a diagnosis of symptoms in my humble opinion rather than a definitive *diagnosis*, and mood disorders tend to run in families. If your kid is oppositional and defiant, he's got ODD, but in my book it's more important to look beyond that. Is there a mood disorder, a learning disability, a developmental disorder driving the ODD?
Wanted to add.... none of us have *the* answer. We're not doctors. We can offer our opinions and experiences, but please remember that we bring our biases based on our own lives (my point of reference when I hear about a defiant irritable child is based on my defiant irritable bipolar son - but I could/probably be completely off base). So the point is, take what you can use, what seems like a good fit for what is going on now, and don't worry about the rest of it.
We have a wonderfully diverse group of people on the board so you will get a wide range of opinions - that's one of the best things about the board.
Glad you found us and again, welcome!