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<blockquote data-quote="RPS" data-source="post: 379888"><p>Thank you for the warm welcome.</p><p></p><p>Nancy, I've read a lot of your posts and they're very helpful to me. I totally admit that I *want* to believe difficult child when he says he wasn't using that much, he doesn't have a problem, blah, blah, blah, but I've known too many addicts so I know that this is typical denial.</p><p></p><p>We are very fortunate to have all parents involved, aware and committed to getting difficult child help. I can see that there are going to be some struggles here, though, because I asked my ex if he felt that we would be better off looking for an inpatient treatment program to get difficult child out of the environment so he can get clean. Ex responded that SM has been reading a book that says that inpatient treatment often makes things worse because the user is surrounded by people who are hard core users. I haven't really heard that -- I've heard that outpatient treatment has a high recidivism rate so it's next to worthless. If he's in counseling, but still in the same social circle, it will be difficult for him to break free of the behavior that his friends probably expect at this point.</p><p></p><p>I don't know whether difficult child is an addict, but I assume that he is at this point. He claimed that he didn't have a problem and could stop at any time, but then admitted to smoking a joint while walking to school. in my humble opinion, if you have to get stoned to go to school, you have a serious problem.</p><p></p><p>I also ordered drug tests and ex and I will be doing random checks. I was torn about this but decided to go with checking rather than trusting him. </p><p></p><p>I think what really gets me about this whole thing is that we live in what's supposed to be an excellent school district. The kids here really want for very little. Maybe that's part of the problem? They have so much handed to them that they have nothing to work for? It's soooo disturbing to me that drugs and drinking have become such a huge part of high school culture.</p><p></p><p>I completely understand that we need to be prepared for him not being able to live with us. There are other kids to protect and he needs to meet our expectations. </p><p></p><p>Unfortunately, I'm not new to this. My oldest knew that when he graduated from high school, he needed to either: go to college (and if he maintained good grades he could live here free), go into the service or get a job (and live here while paying rent). He chose to work, but didn't like the amount of rent I planned to charge him ($500 something for his room, all the food he wanted, a cell phone, cable tv, internet service). He moved out and I think has figured out that what I offered was way below what he'd pay for these things living on his own. </p><p></p><p>I made it clear to difficult child and 16yo daughter that only the first two options are on the table for them. They can go to college, maintain a B average and live here for free, or they can go into the service. If they decide to not go to college and instead work, they will have to move out. </p><p></p><p>I hate having to even consider that I will have to ask any kids to leave, but recognize that it's the best thing for them and for the rest of us.</p><p></p><p>Today will be interesting because difficult child is back in school. The ex had threatened to contact the parents of all of difficult child's partying buddies, but difficult child told me that he would have to do something to get suspended from school so that he didn't have to deal with the fallout from that. He's not afraid of the social stigma as much as he is the physical risk because one of the girls has a brother that will supposedly beat him up if their parents and grandparents find out what big partiers they are. Ex decided to hold off on contacting the other parents until we can get counseling lined up for difficult child, but I think he still needs to do it. If it were my kid and another parent discovered he's drinking/drugging, I'd want to know.</p><p></p><p>I have a feeling we've just started a very long, frustrating journey....</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="RPS, post: 379888"] Thank you for the warm welcome. Nancy, I've read a lot of your posts and they're very helpful to me. I totally admit that I *want* to believe difficult child when he says he wasn't using that much, he doesn't have a problem, blah, blah, blah, but I've known too many addicts so I know that this is typical denial. We are very fortunate to have all parents involved, aware and committed to getting difficult child help. I can see that there are going to be some struggles here, though, because I asked my ex if he felt that we would be better off looking for an inpatient treatment program to get difficult child out of the environment so he can get clean. Ex responded that SM has been reading a book that says that inpatient treatment often makes things worse because the user is surrounded by people who are hard core users. I haven't really heard that -- I've heard that outpatient treatment has a high recidivism rate so it's next to worthless. If he's in counseling, but still in the same social circle, it will be difficult for him to break free of the behavior that his friends probably expect at this point. I don't know whether difficult child is an addict, but I assume that he is at this point. He claimed that he didn't have a problem and could stop at any time, but then admitted to smoking a joint while walking to school. in my humble opinion, if you have to get stoned to go to school, you have a serious problem. I also ordered drug tests and ex and I will be doing random checks. I was torn about this but decided to go with checking rather than trusting him. I think what really gets me about this whole thing is that we live in what's supposed to be an excellent school district. The kids here really want for very little. Maybe that's part of the problem? They have so much handed to them that they have nothing to work for? It's soooo disturbing to me that drugs and drinking have become such a huge part of high school culture. I completely understand that we need to be prepared for him not being able to live with us. There are other kids to protect and he needs to meet our expectations. Unfortunately, I'm not new to this. My oldest knew that when he graduated from high school, he needed to either: go to college (and if he maintained good grades he could live here free), go into the service or get a job (and live here while paying rent). He chose to work, but didn't like the amount of rent I planned to charge him ($500 something for his room, all the food he wanted, a cell phone, cable tv, internet service). He moved out and I think has figured out that what I offered was way below what he'd pay for these things living on his own. I made it clear to difficult child and 16yo daughter that only the first two options are on the table for them. They can go to college, maintain a B average and live here for free, or they can go into the service. If they decide to not go to college and instead work, they will have to move out. I hate having to even consider that I will have to ask any kids to leave, but recognize that it's the best thing for them and for the rest of us. Today will be interesting because difficult child is back in school. The ex had threatened to contact the parents of all of difficult child's partying buddies, but difficult child told me that he would have to do something to get suspended from school so that he didn't have to deal with the fallout from that. He's not afraid of the social stigma as much as he is the physical risk because one of the girls has a brother that will supposedly beat him up if their parents and grandparents find out what big partiers they are. Ex decided to hold off on contacting the other parents until we can get counseling lined up for difficult child, but I think he still needs to do it. If it were my kid and another parent discovered he's drinking/drugging, I'd want to know. I have a feeling we've just started a very long, frustrating journey.... [/QUOTE]
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