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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 608676" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Your last post before this nailed it, in my opinion. "I am here for her when she wants to come home and follow our rules, but until then I just need to focus on the kids I can parent right now."</p><p></p><p>That says so very much. It shows your love for her. It shows your love for your other kids. It shows that she is not ready to get her act together, and that you know you cannot allow her to take the whole family down with her.</p><p></p><p>PLEASE do not bring her into the home with the rest of your kids unless/until she has gotten things together and is accepting treatment for her mental health and sub abuse problems. Not going to a therapist or meetings, ACCEPTING treatment and using the tools she has been given an will be given to make a healthy life for herself.</p><p></p><p>If and when she wants help, she is going to need information from you. She will need to know all of what the docs told you (and her), the medications and how she reacted to them, family history, etc.... It may be that seh ends up on disability for a while or forever. To get it, the info is vital. Years ago some moms here created the Parent Report. Itis a document that you write that has all the info about your child and organizes it into one usable document. The link in my signature will take you to the thread with the outline and description of the report. I firmly believe that the Parent Report is one of the most valuable tools we have to help our children. When she is ready for help you can then give a copy to her and the doctors can use it to really figure out waht is going on and how best to help.</p><p></p><p>The thing about making a PR now is that when you are feeling lost, wanting to help but not sure how or if to help, pull out the PR and work on a section of it. It will give you something to do and help you not feel so powerless, and it won't have you tied up in enabling her current choices. The PR is best worked on in chunks anyway.</p><p></p><p>Have you gone to meetings and/or seen a therapist for YOU? These problems impact the entire family. If you get help, it will improve life for all of your kids because you will model healthy behavior and you will teach it to your younger kids. alanon/NA family meetings can be a huge source of support and hugely increase your difficult child's chances of staying clean and sober. The increase is around 30% vs those who have family who do not go to meetings. That is like turning a D (60%) to an A (90%). I think a lot of parents would go to school for an hour a week to raise their kids' grades from D to A, and this is very similar except that it impacts their lives for a lot longer than any school grade ever will. Plus it makes you more sane, in my opinion. </p><p></p><p>I hope she fnds her way in the world and builds a healthy life for herself. At this point, bringing her home will not help her and will harm the other kids by inflicting her drama and behavior on them. They dont' deserve that I have gotten a TON of grief from my family for insisting that my difficult child live outside our home starting when he was 14. We had done therapy, medications, phosps, you name it we did it. I spent hours on the phone beggng for help from programs (literally would take the phone and a notebook and cold call preachers, hospitals, programs, etc... to the point that I filled three spiral notebooks in under ten days trying to find a program for him!). Even with all the help in the world, he as violent when he did not get his way. I knew, deep down in my gut, that if he stayed in our home then he would end up in the morgue or prison for killing me and his sister, and I would end up dead either by his hand or by mine after I had to kill him to keep him from killing my younger daughter. He went to a shelter for youths, then to my folks when he would not follow any of the shelter's rules (he didn't even last 24 hours there, more like 12 before they kicked him out). My father was retiring and wanted to try to 'fix' Wiz. My mother wanted to help Wiz and for my father to have a project so she would not go nuts with my father home all day. It seemed to work because after a few years Wiz turned himself around in major ways. </p><p></p><p>But most of my family thinks I chose the other kids over Wiz. Even Wiz thinks this, which is devastating to me. I chose to let Wiz go so that he had a chance for a future outside of a box or a prison cell. He was so very close and we literally had no other resources to turn to. He would not accept help or that he had problems. I was not willing to sacrifice my other children on the altar of his problems. They are just as wonderful and special as he is, and I didn't feel I had the right to sacrifice them to keep him at home. It has been hard, but it also was the best option available for everyone. My folks didn't have help for my gfgbro, and I know how scary it is to have an older sibling with these problems. follow the gut that says to not allow her drama to impact her siblings.</p><p></p><p>It is clear you love your difficult child and want the best for her. Let her know that when she wants to make good decisions, you will support those to hte degree you are able. for her other choices? She is on her own and needs to work them out. when life is hard enough, and that bottom is miserable enough for long enough, she will choose, accept and utilize help. At that point, you can work on mending and rebuilding your relationsihp with her. </p><p></p><p>Last thing in this novella (I get wordy, it is just me lol), you have great instincts. I am always telling parents to be aware of their instincts and to follow them. the truly major parenting mistakes I have made have been because i followed some advice that my instincts screamed was wrong. I firmly believe we have those instincts for a reason and that not following them is incredibly foolish, regardless of how many people dislike what your instincts are telling you. You have earned a pat on the back for following your instincts, keep up the good work!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 608676, member: 1233"] Your last post before this nailed it, in my opinion. "I am here for her when she wants to come home and follow our rules, but until then I just need to focus on the kids I can parent right now." That says so very much. It shows your love for her. It shows your love for your other kids. It shows that she is not ready to get her act together, and that you know you cannot allow her to take the whole family down with her. PLEASE do not bring her into the home with the rest of your kids unless/until she has gotten things together and is accepting treatment for her mental health and sub abuse problems. Not going to a therapist or meetings, ACCEPTING treatment and using the tools she has been given an will be given to make a healthy life for herself. If and when she wants help, she is going to need information from you. She will need to know all of what the docs told you (and her), the medications and how she reacted to them, family history, etc.... It may be that seh ends up on disability for a while or forever. To get it, the info is vital. Years ago some moms here created the Parent Report. Itis a document that you write that has all the info about your child and organizes it into one usable document. The link in my signature will take you to the thread with the outline and description of the report. I firmly believe that the Parent Report is one of the most valuable tools we have to help our children. When she is ready for help you can then give a copy to her and the doctors can use it to really figure out waht is going on and how best to help. The thing about making a PR now is that when you are feeling lost, wanting to help but not sure how or if to help, pull out the PR and work on a section of it. It will give you something to do and help you not feel so powerless, and it won't have you tied up in enabling her current choices. The PR is best worked on in chunks anyway. Have you gone to meetings and/or seen a therapist for YOU? These problems impact the entire family. If you get help, it will improve life for all of your kids because you will model healthy behavior and you will teach it to your younger kids. alanon/NA family meetings can be a huge source of support and hugely increase your difficult child's chances of staying clean and sober. The increase is around 30% vs those who have family who do not go to meetings. That is like turning a D (60%) to an A (90%). I think a lot of parents would go to school for an hour a week to raise their kids' grades from D to A, and this is very similar except that it impacts their lives for a lot longer than any school grade ever will. Plus it makes you more sane, in my opinion. I hope she fnds her way in the world and builds a healthy life for herself. At this point, bringing her home will not help her and will harm the other kids by inflicting her drama and behavior on them. They dont' deserve that I have gotten a TON of grief from my family for insisting that my difficult child live outside our home starting when he was 14. We had done therapy, medications, phosps, you name it we did it. I spent hours on the phone beggng for help from programs (literally would take the phone and a notebook and cold call preachers, hospitals, programs, etc... to the point that I filled three spiral notebooks in under ten days trying to find a program for him!). Even with all the help in the world, he as violent when he did not get his way. I knew, deep down in my gut, that if he stayed in our home then he would end up in the morgue or prison for killing me and his sister, and I would end up dead either by his hand or by mine after I had to kill him to keep him from killing my younger daughter. He went to a shelter for youths, then to my folks when he would not follow any of the shelter's rules (he didn't even last 24 hours there, more like 12 before they kicked him out). My father was retiring and wanted to try to 'fix' Wiz. My mother wanted to help Wiz and for my father to have a project so she would not go nuts with my father home all day. It seemed to work because after a few years Wiz turned himself around in major ways. But most of my family thinks I chose the other kids over Wiz. Even Wiz thinks this, which is devastating to me. I chose to let Wiz go so that he had a chance for a future outside of a box or a prison cell. He was so very close and we literally had no other resources to turn to. He would not accept help or that he had problems. I was not willing to sacrifice my other children on the altar of his problems. They are just as wonderful and special as he is, and I didn't feel I had the right to sacrifice them to keep him at home. It has been hard, but it also was the best option available for everyone. My folks didn't have help for my gfgbro, and I know how scary it is to have an older sibling with these problems. follow the gut that says to not allow her drama to impact her siblings. It is clear you love your difficult child and want the best for her. Let her know that when she wants to make good decisions, you will support those to hte degree you are able. for her other choices? She is on her own and needs to work them out. when life is hard enough, and that bottom is miserable enough for long enough, she will choose, accept and utilize help. At that point, you can work on mending and rebuilding your relationsihp with her. Last thing in this novella (I get wordy, it is just me lol), you have great instincts. I am always telling parents to be aware of their instincts and to follow them. the truly major parenting mistakes I have made have been because i followed some advice that my instincts screamed was wrong. I firmly believe we have those instincts for a reason and that not following them is incredibly foolish, regardless of how many people dislike what your instincts are telling you. You have earned a pat on the back for following your instincts, keep up the good work! [/QUOTE]
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