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Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Irish, Jun 1, 2016.

  1. Irish

    Irish New Member

    Hi
    Have 3 adult kids,all with varying degrees of AD/HD. My youngest is 19 and I've had to tell him he's not welcome at home until he can prove he's taking the necessary steps to get the help he so desperately needs. On dexamphetamine he's fine, able to function in the world. Without it he's out of control and his frontal lobe just goes down the plug hole!
    He's "dating" a 15 yr old!!!!
    So much more going on and just stressed out completely.
     
  2. Roxona

    Roxona Active Member

    :welcomecat:

    Sorry you've had to find us, but this is a great place to vent, so welcome.

    I absolutely, without a doubt, understand your situation with ADHD...and a son dating someone too young for him. My own, J, is 20 and dating a girl who just turned 17. In his defense, in the beginning the girl told him she was 18. They've been together for about six months now. I'm not making excuses, but I can see why he would date someone several years younger than him. His level of maturity has always been 2-3 years behind his peers. Plus, I don't think a girl his age would put up with his immaturity.
     
  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Welcome!

    We have lots of Ginger's in our family: my youngest son, my sister and three of her four sons and my mother!
     
  4. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Welcome Irish. I'm glad you found us here, you are not alone.
    You are doing what you have to do and that is okay.
    When you feel ready and want to share more please do.
    You have found a group of people who will offer you much needed support without judgment.
     
  5. Irish

    Irish New Member

    Thanks everyone
    Just found out that they are at the doctors (apparently) because Difficult Child has told his dad that she's pregnant
    She has a contraceptive rod in her arm so I'm guessing they're trying to get more out of his dad. ( he gave them 4 days at his place) or she's lied to my Difficult Child. ( her parents won't have her in the house )
    Sorry for the confusing information. I'll share more a bit later.

    Thanks again for the welcome
     
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    In our state your son could be charged with statutory rape (19 and 15)

    Of course if you warn him, he is legally an adult and I assume he won't listen.

    Please do share more If you are comfortable doing so. Usually though we can't force our legal adult cildren to anything they don't want to do. We can only change one person on earth...us. And we can change how we deal with our adult children.

    Unfortunately, you can't control how your ex husband interacts with them.

    Try to have a peaceful night. We will talk to you later. Welcome!
     
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  7. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Hi Irish and welcome---we understand here the pain, despair and confusion that comes with the daily drama of DCs. It is exhausting and it never seems to end.

    When you have time, please share some of your back story with us and consider adding a signature to your profile. We can be more helpful by understanding more.

    But in the meantime, please know we are here for you and we get it. Warm hugs this morning.

    Our daily mantra: nothing changes if nothing changes. And we can't change anybody but ourselves. Instead of expecting them to change, we have to change. And then, often, we will see change in them, in time.
     
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  8. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Welcome Irish. My son is 21 and well, you can see it in my signature. :unsure: He's never really dated anyone long, but the last one was 17 when he was 20 and when he showed up at her door homeless, her father was NOT pleased, to say the least. When he was 18 he was thinking about dating a freshman - I believe the term I used was jailbait.

    These immature boys seem to gravitate toward younger girls - I think their maturity levels match. I hope she is not pregnant...we were worried about that a bit ourselves for a while so I know how awful that feeling is...they can't even take care of themselves! And that age difference can become a very big thing depending on the laws where you live and her parents.

    You will find all kinds of support here. Some blunt, some soft, and all loving and accepting. I'm sorry you need to join us.
     
  9. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Want to say hi, Irish, and welcome.

    Oh dear. What can I say? Stupid comes to mind. *oops. Sorry. (Not us...we are not stupid...but our kids? What can I say?

    All our kids are slow learners. They can be geniuses in all other things, but in life, they just do not get it until they suffer. And the horribleness is that we suffer 10x more than they do...until we learn to detach.

    I am glad you are here. Posting helps. It really, really does.

    I look forward to hearing more of your story if you feel comfortable sharing.

    What is your ex-husband's attitude toward all of this? With his ill-health it must be very hard for him.

    Take care.
     
  10. Irish

    Irish New Member

    Stupid is such a nice way to say it Copa! :roflmao:

    Ok so ive spent an hour or so typing up the back story..
    here tis


    Back story of Difficult Child 3
    Father was violent, we divorced in 2000, Difficult Child was about 4 at that time.
    The youngest of 3 kids.
    I remarried in 2005, he has 3 kids (we had EOW with the 2 youngest and no contact with the oldest due to her living in another state and also having been adopted by her stepfather at the age of 2)
    My husband had a series of strokes/TIA's, has diabetes(type 1) and has become totally disabled. I now care for him full time even though we are no longer together.
    Before that husband was very close to my boy, they adored each other. at about the age of 12/13 his behaviour started to really slide ,school work, attitude, relationship with husband, lying, damaging/stealing husband's property. we tried everything.
    Difficult Child has ADHD and has been on medications since he was 6, he has co morbidities as well.
    late 2014 we discovered that he'd been sexually abused by a family friend, Difficult Child had blocked it but so much fell into place when we learned of it.

    about the same time he'd started not taking his medications, he's made a half statement to police and has refused to talk to his pysch about the details til his statement was finished.
    HIs favourite uncle died just to top it off. Dropped out of his last year of school, met a nice girl and moved to be closer to her, now hes living at his dads, (prior to this he hadnt seen his dad in almost 10yrs) Difficult Child and the girl broke up recently (he cheated on her) she was 16 and he was 18.

    He started taking ketamine, then came the attempt to have a facebook party at my house whilst I was away with husband recently (8 weeks ago)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Luckily we found out 24 hrs beforehand and contacted the police etc. We arrived home , a few days later, an hour after we got home police were at the door asking for Difficult Child!!!! Turns out his "new girlfriend" wasnt 17 like she'd told him but 15! Appears shes VERY well known to the police here, shes not allowed to live at home due to HER violence against her parents and 10yr old sister!
    At that point he stopped having anything to do with her and his ex and he started trying to start over..... new girlfriend found out and suddenly he's ditched the ex and is with new girlfriend..... I think this is the point she told him she was pregnant!

    Her last boyfriend is now a registered sex offender and on a 3 yr good behaviour bond at the age
    of 18! He was charged with rape after she told a counsellor he'd raped her........at least 3WEEKS after it apprently happened. Theyd both been using drugs at the time.

    Difficult Child has been told by husband and I that he's no longer welcome to stay here when he comes up to perform with his band/see friends. He WAS welcome to come and say hi, or come for a meal, but not with that girl, she is NOT welcome here at all!

    She'd agreed to go into rehab last week and was brought back up to do just that........ she's sort of under the care of child services as she's a minor. He came up as well, but didn't stay here, and I saw him twice; once with her and once he came over for dinner.
    Interestingly when hes not around her he seems more open and communicative.
    She lies to everyone about everything! He's going down the same path it seems.

    His dad has just found out how bad she is after they tod him she was 6 weeks pregnant on thursday, but that he had to go to the doctors appointment with her..... I rang her mum and she and her dad went down to see her and talk to him, mum did not believe she was pregnant, because she has the implant in her arm, and has had for a year!

    Turns out she had Difficult Child's dad go with her to the doctors because she wasnted to have the implant removed!!!!!! Thankfully he informed the dr that he was NOT legally responsible for her and couldn't give the go ahead........ which is when it came unstuck and we found out she wasn't pregnant!!!!!!!

    I think ive covered everything.

    And I wonder why I went gray at the age of 30!!! :frown:
     
  11. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Thanks for the update of info Irish. You have endured much.

    Yes, this does explain what may be the root cause of his behavior changing but by no means should it be used as an excuse.
    I was sexually abused by my bio father and while it definitely had a negative effect on me I did not allow it to define me. It is a hard thing to process through for sure but as I said, it doesn't have to define a person.
    The longer someone stuffs the emotions instead of dealing with them the more out of control their life can be. Using drugs and alcohol is a very common way that people will "cope" with their emotions. Instead of "feeling" them, they numb them.

    As for the girlfriend, I'm glad to hear she is not pregnant. I do hope your son will see that she is not good for him.

    It's not easy having a difficult child and that's why this site is so amazing. We can gather here to share, to cry, to scream, to laugh, to cyber hug, but mostly to just know that we are not alone. To know there are others who truly understand what it's like can offer us much comfort.

    You are very wise to not allow your son to stay in your home. It's never an easy decision to make but we as the parents have to protect ourselves. Our homes are our sanctuary's and we should be able to feel safe.

    This is a very good article on detachment.
    http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#axzz4AcNPvnHv

    Detaching from our difficult children does not mean that we don't love them but we have no control over the choices they make. We can gently and lovingly make suggestions to them but ultimately, it's up to them.

    I'm glad you are here with us.

    :notalone::staystrong:
     
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