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<blockquote data-quote="slsh" data-source="post: 120195" data-attributes="member: 8"><p>Hi Wendi and welcome!</p><p> </p><p>It sounds like you're dealing with a very oppositional and defiant little girl, regardless of what label is applied, and at the end of the day, it's figuring out how to manage those behaviors that is important - in my humble opinion. </p><p> </p><p>Seems like a lot of kids act out where they're more comfortable. We dealt with wild behaviors for a couple of years at home before they crossed over into school (not saying your daughter's will). </p><p> </p><p>You are not a horrible mother and this is no one's "fault". It just is what it is and we do the best that we can, all the time searching for that right answer. Sounds like you've done an impressive job already!</p><p> </p><p>I also highly recommend the book The Explosive Child (and I am most definitely not a self-help book kind of person). It helps you understand their thought processes a bit, plus helps you figure out which behaviors you want to address now and which you can wait on - you can't fight all the battles all the time. Plus, the book gave me a really big laugh because I swear he was writing about my son! It was just such a relief to know that I wasn't the World's Worst Mother and that other folks were dealing with similar behaviors.</p><p> </p><p>My thank you was/is very much like your daughter - black is white, day is night, and he had the knack of hitting emotional buttons I never knew I had. Honestly, even though we were in therapy and Special Education and seeing a psychiatrist, it got to the point where the kid could get me worked up in split seconds. </p><p> </p><p>My take on this kind of behavior is that it is all about control. She has it and you don't (in her mind). I don't even think it's conscious - it's just that internal thought process glitch that refuses to be compliant, under any circumstances. Now, I used to be a screamer. And thank you just ate it up. Nothing more satisfying than to see Mom completely wig out. I'm a slow learner but when I *finally* got that and was able to take all emotion out of my responses to his behaviors, things got better. Not perfect but better. My motivator, because I'm wickedly competetive, was that I was not going to give him the big pay off. </p><p> </p><p>I'm wondering if maybe visual cues to help her calm down might be effective? That way you're not "telling" her? Maybe print up a couple of pictures or symbols (maybe a lot of them, LOL, in case of tearing)? Sit down with- her in a calm moment and tell her that she's a big girl and knows what to do, and you understand she wants to do it on her own, but because sometimes she gets so flustered you thought maybe these special pictures would help her to remember - maybe a series on a page, this one is to remind you to X, this one is to remind you to Y, this one is to remind you to Z. </p><p> </p><p>I'm going to assume they were preemies? Did they, and daughter#2 particularly, have a rocky NICU course at all? There's an ongoing Canadian Study of preemies and how they develop socially, emotionally, cognitively. I think it's been going on about 20 years now - they came out with a finding about 8 years ago that former preemies were *much* more likely to have ADHD and other social/emotional issues long past any obvious problems from the prematurity were apparent. My oldest was a 30-weeker twin and I do tend to lean more towards subtle neurologic issues in former preemies with behavior issues... may not help at the end of the day but if she hasn't been seen by a developmental pediatrician (and she probably has - you sound very on top of things), it might be worth a visit. Just my bias and I'm probably completely off base.</p><p> </p><p>Again, welcome!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="slsh, post: 120195, member: 8"] Hi Wendi and welcome! It sounds like you're dealing with a very oppositional and defiant little girl, regardless of what label is applied, and at the end of the day, it's figuring out how to manage those behaviors that is important - in my humble opinion. Seems like a lot of kids act out where they're more comfortable. We dealt with wild behaviors for a couple of years at home before they crossed over into school (not saying your daughter's will). You are not a horrible mother and this is no one's "fault". It just is what it is and we do the best that we can, all the time searching for that right answer. Sounds like you've done an impressive job already! I also highly recommend the book The Explosive Child (and I am most definitely not a self-help book kind of person). It helps you understand their thought processes a bit, plus helps you figure out which behaviors you want to address now and which you can wait on - you can't fight all the battles all the time. Plus, the book gave me a really big laugh because I swear he was writing about my son! It was just such a relief to know that I wasn't the World's Worst Mother and that other folks were dealing with similar behaviors. My thank you was/is very much like your daughter - black is white, day is night, and he had the knack of hitting emotional buttons I never knew I had. Honestly, even though we were in therapy and Special Education and seeing a psychiatrist, it got to the point where the kid could get me worked up in split seconds. My take on this kind of behavior is that it is all about control. She has it and you don't (in her mind). I don't even think it's conscious - it's just that internal thought process glitch that refuses to be compliant, under any circumstances. Now, I used to be a screamer. And thank you just ate it up. Nothing more satisfying than to see Mom completely wig out. I'm a slow learner but when I *finally* got that and was able to take all emotion out of my responses to his behaviors, things got better. Not perfect but better. My motivator, because I'm wickedly competetive, was that I was not going to give him the big pay off. I'm wondering if maybe visual cues to help her calm down might be effective? That way you're not "telling" her? Maybe print up a couple of pictures or symbols (maybe a lot of them, LOL, in case of tearing)? Sit down with- her in a calm moment and tell her that she's a big girl and knows what to do, and you understand she wants to do it on her own, but because sometimes she gets so flustered you thought maybe these special pictures would help her to remember - maybe a series on a page, this one is to remind you to X, this one is to remind you to Y, this one is to remind you to Z. I'm going to assume they were preemies? Did they, and daughter#2 particularly, have a rocky NICU course at all? There's an ongoing Canadian Study of preemies and how they develop socially, emotionally, cognitively. I think it's been going on about 20 years now - they came out with a finding about 8 years ago that former preemies were *much* more likely to have ADHD and other social/emotional issues long past any obvious problems from the prematurity were apparent. My oldest was a 30-weeker twin and I do tend to lean more towards subtle neurologic issues in former preemies with behavior issues... may not help at the end of the day but if she hasn't been seen by a developmental pediatrician (and she probably has - you sound very on top of things), it might be worth a visit. Just my bias and I'm probably completely off base. Again, welcome! [/QUOTE]
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