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New member - Having a bad morning
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 400223" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Welcome. If you can get your husband to lurk here also, it would help, I'm sure. He sounds a lot like my husband in some ways, and my husband will I know be reading this post in his lunch break at work (hi, honey!).</p><p></p><p>Disrespect - it is not what you think. He is not your average kid, and disrespect is not the same in his head. These kids lack social graces and do not pick them up by osmosis, as we expect them to. It doesn't matter how bright they are, it's like you are expecting a blind person to paint a colour portrait.</p><p></p><p>You cannot discipline anything out of him. He learns by imitation, not be being told. So however yo speak to him, will be how he speaks to you. How you handle him, will be how he handles you. Or your husband. These kids dish back what is given to them. And as parents, when we are in discipline mode, it would be seen by these kids as (what we would define as) disrespect, if it was the other way around.</p><p></p><p>These kids are truly egalitarian. Everyone is equal. Everyone. Really equal. So they talk to everyone as if they are sharing the same head space. That is when you hear your own phrases coming out of their mouths. An example - easy child 2/difficult child 2 when she was 2 years old. I had a family rule that every second cup of drink had to be water. She asked for a second cup of juice, I said, "No, it's water's turn. drink a cup of water, then you can have your next cup of juice." I poured it for her, and she took a sip and got angry with me. She stood there, hands on hips, and shouted at me, "I said I wanted JUICE! Why don't you ever listen to me?"</p><p></p><p>Read "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. I can see it has already been suggested. You need to get your husband to read it too. I know he's not the boy's father, but he still lives in the same household and therefore needs to understand how to interact with the boy. The book is like a roadmap when you're lost in a strange country. If he can't "get into" the book (my husband couldn't - he did try) then you read it and explain it to him. That's what I did, and it actually helped me consolidate the information.</p><p></p><p>There is a lot more I could say but I don't want to overload you. </p><p></p><p>KISS. Keep it simple. Praise him for good things, do not make it connected to anything else (such as toothpaste!). Just say it. Remember, if you apologise to him for something you did wrong, you are setting an example for him to learn how to apologise to others. Similarly, if you can say, when he is raging at you, "Why are you shouting at me? I am not shouting at you," then the message will eventually sink in.</p><p></p><p>There is a lot more going on in his head, all the time, than you could realise. And it is aligned at 90 degrees to how your own mind works! He cannot understand this, because he is less equipped to understand this than you are.</p><p></p><p>You will get through this. But keep in touch, we can help you manage this with support.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 400223, member: 1991"] Welcome. If you can get your husband to lurk here also, it would help, I'm sure. He sounds a lot like my husband in some ways, and my husband will I know be reading this post in his lunch break at work (hi, honey!). Disrespect - it is not what you think. He is not your average kid, and disrespect is not the same in his head. These kids lack social graces and do not pick them up by osmosis, as we expect them to. It doesn't matter how bright they are, it's like you are expecting a blind person to paint a colour portrait. You cannot discipline anything out of him. He learns by imitation, not be being told. So however yo speak to him, will be how he speaks to you. How you handle him, will be how he handles you. Or your husband. These kids dish back what is given to them. And as parents, when we are in discipline mode, it would be seen by these kids as (what we would define as) disrespect, if it was the other way around. These kids are truly egalitarian. Everyone is equal. Everyone. Really equal. So they talk to everyone as if they are sharing the same head space. That is when you hear your own phrases coming out of their mouths. An example - easy child 2/difficult child 2 when she was 2 years old. I had a family rule that every second cup of drink had to be water. She asked for a second cup of juice, I said, "No, it's water's turn. drink a cup of water, then you can have your next cup of juice." I poured it for her, and she took a sip and got angry with me. She stood there, hands on hips, and shouted at me, "I said I wanted JUICE! Why don't you ever listen to me?" Read "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. I can see it has already been suggested. You need to get your husband to read it too. I know he's not the boy's father, but he still lives in the same household and therefore needs to understand how to interact with the boy. The book is like a roadmap when you're lost in a strange country. If he can't "get into" the book (my husband couldn't - he did try) then you read it and explain it to him. That's what I did, and it actually helped me consolidate the information. There is a lot more I could say but I don't want to overload you. KISS. Keep it simple. Praise him for good things, do not make it connected to anything else (such as toothpaste!). Just say it. Remember, if you apologise to him for something you did wrong, you are setting an example for him to learn how to apologise to others. Similarly, if you can say, when he is raging at you, "Why are you shouting at me? I am not shouting at you," then the message will eventually sink in. There is a lot more going on in his head, all the time, than you could realise. And it is aligned at 90 degrees to how your own mind works! He cannot understand this, because he is less equipped to understand this than you are. You will get through this. But keep in touch, we can help you manage this with support. Marg [/QUOTE]
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