New Member......Need Help

[AppleCori]

I wonder what the police would say if you reported this yourself, and shared the evidence (pornographic pics or video) with them?

I am guessing they would be able to tell you whether it rises to the level of a crime or not.

I mean, if it’s not such a big deal, why not?

 

[Sumsky]

I think Sumsky, unfortunately, one thing I have learned going through all the drama with my stepsons these last four odd years, is that the only person I can control is myself.

No matter what does or does not happen with SS, you still have to decide how to proceed with protecting your daughter.

I understand at least to a limited extent, from my own experience, how gut wrenching it is to stare at blowing up your life in order to (insert reason here).

At one point I have considered doing ALL of the below (I did not actually follow through because the situations changed; but if I had bio children of my own to consider I may have done some or all of them):

1. Buying a weapon to use against DS if he assaulted me, my wife, or YS; thank goodness I came to my senses on this one. I abandoned the idea of a gun very quickly but would have been open to acquiring a Taser and taking lessons on how to use it.
2. Separating/Divorcing
3. Turning in family members to CPS

One thing I DID do which helped a lot was going to therapy for myself.

It's a lot - we get it and we'll try hard not be judgmental or pushy. It's just that yours is one of the more serious situations we've encountered here, and speaking for myself, I am genuinely concerned for your daughter's welfare.

Please keep us posted

Thank you BloodiedButUnbowed! I have started the steps to get out of the house. I do have an adult at my house 24/7 until I can get out. My daughter is my first priority. She has been staying with my parents a lot as she is not comfortable being at home if SS is there. And she has her own bedroom at their house. She loves spending time with my parents since they retired. She does come home when SS is not home or if she just wants a night or two at home. What is hard right now is that my 17 yo son does not want to leave at all! He knows what happened and why, but once again the family is a mess because of SS and once again he feels he is getting the short end of the stick. (My 17 yo is a great kid. Honors student with excellent grades, college bound, small group of the same close friends for last 10 years, all good kids) He is very upset and angry that we are moving out. He is refusing to go and feels it's not fair that the 2 innocent ones have to upset their home for the problem child. And that once again they have to sacrifice for problem child. I completely agree with my 17 yo, but have no choice if my husband refuses to send him out of our home. I can't leave my 17 yo behind and I have to get my 12 yo out.

 

[Sumsky]

I wonder what the police would say if you reported this yourself, and shared the evidence (pornographic pics or video) with them?

I am guessing they would be able to tell you whether it rises to the level of a crime or not.

I mean, if it’s not such a big deal, why not?

I have had that suggested to me...Here's my hesitation with that. My husband is a lieutenant in our local fire department. The chief of police for our area is an officer for the same fire department. He is also a very good friend of my father in laws. I know a lot of confidential information gets passed around and through that fire department. I think he would hear me out, but would minimize it to me to make it go away. I know it sounds like I have an excuse for everything. I don't mean to sound like that. I do have my daughter protected from SS. I am not concerned about my oldest safety or my safety at this point anyway. It is not an ideal situation for my daughter or me, but it is working for now. We live in a very small town and this family has a lot of ties in the right places.

 

[AppleCori]

You are probably right, sadly.

I am sorry that I forgot to ask how your daughter is handling this. It is horrible that she feels uncomfortable in her own house, and that no one except you (and your parents) seem to care. I’m glad that she has a place to go to feel safe and loved.

 

[BusynMember]

This family has too many friends in high places and your daughter in my opinion has to come before your son, who is not in danger. Can't you explain the whole dynamic to him?

Your SS is not breaking up the family. Your husband and his family is. All of them. They are making sure SS is protected although I think it's matter of time before he perps on somebody who turns him in, maybe not in this town.

in my opinion you should leave the area in this family's control. Please be safe

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

This sounds like the kind of situation where in this small town your husband's family is so prominent they have streets, buildings, etc named for them, and I would not be at all surprised if you replied that this is true (but please don't as we do not want anyone to be able to identify you, particularly since these people do sound unbalanced at best).

Maybe your parents can take you and your son in as well as your daughter at least short term. If nothing else I hope they can help you settle as SOT said, somewhere away from the influence of this family.

It makes perfect sense to me now as well that so much has been swept under the rug. I would not be surprised to hear that your stepson's counselors, and everyone else interacting with him, is somehow beholden to your great grandparents in law in some form or fashion. Nobody wants to knock the engine off the gravy train, risk their own livelihoods or be driven out of town on a rail, all of which from what you've described your in laws would be quite willing to do if they felt "crossed" by anyone.

I hope that your marriage will ultimately be OK. I have learned that the biological parent, and this does make sense, is always slower to realize hard truths about their children/much more willing to make excuses and minimize. My wife is much more clear headed about her children since YS' suicide attempt in early September. Unfortunately it doesn't help her relationship with them, though it has made things between the two of us easier.

Blessings, hugs and prayers to you and to yours.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Sumsky, just a bit of caution.....you've shared some sensitive information which could possibly identify you, remember this is an anonymous site for your protection. If at some point, you would like the thread deleted, make that request of Cheryl, the site admin.

You've received sound support, take care of yourself and your children.
Prayers for you and your family.......

 

[Sumsky]

recoveringenabler I am new to this... so I honestly am not sure exactly what you mean. Are you saying family and friends may be able to figure out who I am? Or are you saying people on this site will be able to find out who I am?

 

[JRC]

You have received some incredibly good advice. And I'm glad you came here. This might sound simplistic after everything everyone here has said, but if there is ONE thing you take away from this conversation it's this: there is nothing normal about a 15 year old trying to video a 12 year old in the bathroom. I have three boys, 16, 14 and 12. Never in their wildest dreams (and that includes my bipolar 12 year old) would they think that is a normal or okay thing to do. Or even think it funny. Don't be gaslighted by anyone on that.

 

[Copabanana]

When I was about 30 I used to study hours and hours at a cafe. At some point it was discovered that there was a peek hole into the women's bathroom. I was traumatized then and decades later I still am mortified and feel violated when I think about it.

How would this be for a preteen? When the perpetrator is a family member? And when there is media!

I agree with the others. Your voice as mother is being diminished and silenced. The boundaries of your home and family are being transgressed. When you speak up your concerns are disregarded, minimized or dismissed. All of this is harmful and abusive on so many levels.

The end result: You have been rendered powerless to protect your children and ultimately yourself and your integrity. Nothing you say is being taken seriously. Anything more you say is pointless.

I do not see how things change in the status quo.

Every instinct, every intuition you have had seems to be on point. But nobody is respecting your authority, power or voice.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Hi Sumsky, sorry for the confusion. Yes, I mean that family and friends may be able to figure out who you are. It may or may not be an issue for you, I just wanted to give you the option in case it is.

 

[Sumsky]

Hi Sumsky, sorry for the confusion. Yes, I mean that family and friends may be able to figure out who you are. It may or may not be an issue for you, I just wanted to give you the option in case it is.

Ok. Thank you for the heads up. I do appreciate it!! Family and friends all know where I stand and I won’t be bullied anymore! Now that I’ve found this site and support I realize I need it more than ever. I was starting to question my own sanity.

 

[BusynMember]

Anyone who tells you with a straight face that recording 12 year olds in the shower is normal in any way is gaslighting you. in my opinion best that you get away from this sick, powerful group before they tell your daughter to stop making a big deal about it. She needs validation too. Sexual abuse is a BIG deal.

 

[LauraH]

The great grandparents sound like a real nightmare. Sounds like they need some counseling as well. And I can't believe your husband shrugged off the SS taping his 12-year-old daughter in the bathroom. Would he be so complacent about it if it were a neighbor kid doing it? I would be tempted to call the police, but I doubt you would want to do that behind your husband's back and it sounds like he would never agree to that. You sure have a plateful of issues to handle. I hope you find some answers or at least a little respite and solace. This group has proven to be a wonderful sounding board when you need advice or an understanding shoulder.

 

[Sumsky]

When I was about 30 I used to study hours and hours at a cafe. At some point it was discovered that there was a peek hole into the women's bathroom. I was traumatized then and decades later I still am mortified and feel violated when I think about it.

How would this be for a preteen? When the perpetrator is a family member? And when there is media!

I agree with the others. Your voice as mother is being diminished and silenced. The boundaries of your home and family are being transgressed. When you speak up your concerns are disregarded, minimized or dismissed. All of this is harmful and abusive on so many levels.

The end result: You have been rendered powerless to protect your children and ultimately yourself and your integrity. Nothing you say is being taken seriously. Anything more you say is pointless.

I do not see how things change in the status quo.

Every instinct, every intuition you have had seems to be on point. But nobody is respecting your authority, power or voice.

Copabanana, I am so sorry you went through that. I continue to say that even though she was not harmed physically, she was violated! Her sense of security in her own home was taken from her. Her trust was broken. I’m sure you would agree with that. My husbands mother is insisting that we need to sit SS and daughter down and make them talk it out. (Daughter will not speak to or even look at SS.) mother in law keeps saying it is not good for them to not talk, they have to work it out. I did lose my cool with her the other day and told her that my daughter does not need to EVER speak to him again if she so chooses. I don’t care how that hurts him. This was a choice that HE made not her. This is a consequence of HIS actions not hers. Everyone all along has sheltered him from any consequences and now we are dealing with big issues because of it. She is the victim here. And a lot of victims can’t face their a court hearing. Yet she is expecting a 12 yo to face him ad talk to him?! Once again, her concern lies with SS because before this happened, daughter and SS were buddies.

 

[Copabanana]

From my point of view it seems like paternal family feels they have a lot of power to intervene and to have sway over events in your own.

A question: Is this something you feel comfortable with? If not, do you want to address this here and think through how to deal with this?

To us here all of your feelings and thoughts and responses seem valid and reasonable and warranted. You need support; not opposition and undermining. It is wrong that you have to use precious energy to oppose these interventions that to me seem inappropriate, harmful and off the wall.

You are right. In everything you think and feel.

 

[BusynMember]

DO NOT sit your daughter down and make her talk to him as if this perp is her equal in being a victim and they must work it out. Insane! She is the only victim.

Get away from there. Your daughter needs to heal. My kids needed to heal. Away from the perp. Feeling safe. Knowing they would never see him again. Knowing without a doubt that what the boy did was unacceptable. That is what healed us as a family.

We were given a psychiatric/ pediatrician from CPS who specialized in sexual abuse and, for legal reasons, had to gently check both kids to make sure they were not penetrated but they were!l You have no idea how far this stepson perped on your daughter but we were NEVER told to have the family talk. Your in laws are making nothing out of possible rape. They are not professionals. They are biased narcissists.

Leave this toxic group. Take your daughter to a female psychiatrist who specializes in sexual abuse issues. Go outside of the area your in laws live in. You don't want any help to be tainted by others fear of their money and power. This is not about you or your son who will probably go to college next year anyway. It's about your daughter first. She needs help and space.

Your son will survive if you leave. Your daughter can't heal if you don't. And you are being guilted for being a protective mother. Get away from all of them. They are all sick.

Love and hugs.

 

[susiestar]

This is not going to sound nice, but it is the truth. You only know a little of the truth at this point. Until your daughter is away from SS and feels safe and like she won't be forced to ever have to deal with him again, you will not know the full extent of what he did or how she feels. You know about the phone and the photos. You don't know if he ever forced her to let him take other photos, or to do other things. You don't know if he was just starting out to be a sexual predator, or if this was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Sometimes the pictures and the fear of having them on the internet are what breaks the hold on a victim. Sometimes taking photos the way SS has is just the beginning. Until your daughter knows she is away and safe from SS for good, and she is in therapy with someone she trusts, you won't know the extent of things.

You NEED to contact a domestic violence center in a neighboring county. NOT your county. It may be an hour drive or longer, but it will be worth it. Or you should contact RAINN, a nationwide sexual assault organization (RAINN | The nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization ) They can help you find resources that are far enough out of your relatives' influence that they will be effective and confidential.

 

[RN0441]

Welcome and sorry that you have to deal with all this. It must be very difficult.

I do not have any experience with this but you have gotten great advice and support. I did want to add that I believe most dads are VERY protective of their little girls and would want to protect their daughters first and foremost over any type of sexual predator and the fact that he seems to be protecting his son more so is a bit bewildering to me.

 

[Sumsky]

update.... cautiously optimistic. Daughter is staying with my parents. (I hate that) but I’m visiting and she’s spending time at home when SS is not home. This is only temporary, one way or another. Have appointment with family law attorney. Hoping it won’t come to that but not being naive either. SS had appointment yesterday. Psychologist is finally listening to us. SS has to go in today for another test. Dr is also consulting with a colleague. Based on that discussion, we will either be doing in home family therapy and/or residential treatment. Seems to be leaning toward residential. SS has been telling pyschologist that all is good, has lied about multiple things making it sound like things are going good, telling just enough of the negative to make it sound believable, appearing to cooperate but not allowing the deeper issues to be discussed, etc. Once we were given the opportunity to tell him the truth as we know it, pyschologist had a whole different perspective. Problem lies in that SS has to give us permission to have access to the information about him. Husband is still in somewhat denial but not total denial anymore. I do feel he just needs some time to absorb and accept some of this. This whole situation has only come to light in last 6 weeks. Husband has admitted that SS has some serious issues and without the proper treatment will take this to the next level. He is not prepared to accept that he could have already(at this point). I am hopeful for residential treatment. But either way will be doing some family therapy as I think we all need it. Another positive is that husband sat down with great grandparents and made it all very clear to them where WE stand and that WE are both trying to do what is right for SS and this family as a whole. And that we need their support not their interference. He also made it very clear that this is the last chance they have.... if they don’t get on board and obey our wishes, they will NOT be spending ANY time with SS AT ALL!! I have tried to get husband to have that talk for 11 years!! We are going to get daughter tonight and go for dinner and spend some time with her. I do feel that we are making progress and husband knows it’s serious. Not letting SS victimize daughter, our family or anyone else again!! If SS is not removed soon we will divorce!!