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<blockquote data-quote="Nancy" data-source="post: 153499" data-attributes="member: 59"><p>Dear Rebecca,</p><p></p><p>You are a wonderful daughter to care so much about your family and try to get them help. Thhis is going to be a process and will not happen overnight. Your Mom needs help undertsanding that she did not make your brother smoke pot, nothing that she did in her parenting caused your brother to smoke pot. He made that choice himself and he is an adult and needs to take responsibility for own actions. This will not be easy for your Mom because she is use to trying to make things better and assuming responsibility for his behavior.</p><p></p><p>My first suggestion is to try to get your mom to Alanon. You can go with her, it will help both of you. Start helping her build supports around herself that will enable her to stop accepting responsibility or guilt for your brother's action out. Eventually she will need to ask him to leave, live on his own, make his own mistakes and own up to them. It may get worse for him before it gets better and that is where you mom will have a tough time, but that's where Alanon helps. It would also help to get some books for you and your mom to read on the subject.</p><p></p><p>Drug use rips families apart and it destroys relationships. He needs help. But he is 21 and can't be forced into treatment. Your family can do its part by not rescuing him or allowing his blow ups to affect your life. Your mom needs to get a backbone and not allow him to walk all over her anymore. But before she can do that she needs to build herself up, get help from peoplewho have been there.</p><p></p><p>I grew up with an alcoholic father. Iknow the grief and chaos that caused in our lives. I was bound and determined to never again live like that. My daughter is almost 17 and has been experimenting with pot and alcohol. I suspect she will have an addiction problem at some point in her life. But I have told her that when she is 18 she must find a place of her own to live unless she is clean and following the rules. I fully expect to follow through on that, I just simply won't live like that again. I will never stop loving her but I will not enable her. That is where you mom needs to get.</p><p></p><p>Hugs to you and your mom on this mother's day. Hopefully this is the last mother's day will be the first day of a new life for you mom without chaos.</p><p></p><p>Nancy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nancy, post: 153499, member: 59"] Dear Rebecca, You are a wonderful daughter to care so much about your family and try to get them help. Thhis is going to be a process and will not happen overnight. Your Mom needs help undertsanding that she did not make your brother smoke pot, nothing that she did in her parenting caused your brother to smoke pot. He made that choice himself and he is an adult and needs to take responsibility for own actions. This will not be easy for your Mom because she is use to trying to make things better and assuming responsibility for his behavior. My first suggestion is to try to get your mom to Alanon. You can go with her, it will help both of you. Start helping her build supports around herself that will enable her to stop accepting responsibility or guilt for your brother's action out. Eventually she will need to ask him to leave, live on his own, make his own mistakes and own up to them. It may get worse for him before it gets better and that is where you mom will have a tough time, but that's where Alanon helps. It would also help to get some books for you and your mom to read on the subject. Drug use rips families apart and it destroys relationships. He needs help. But he is 21 and can't be forced into treatment. Your family can do its part by not rescuing him or allowing his blow ups to affect your life. Your mom needs to get a backbone and not allow him to walk all over her anymore. But before she can do that she needs to build herself up, get help from peoplewho have been there. I grew up with an alcoholic father. Iknow the grief and chaos that caused in our lives. I was bound and determined to never again live like that. My daughter is almost 17 and has been experimenting with pot and alcohol. I suspect she will have an addiction problem at some point in her life. But I have told her that when she is 18 she must find a place of her own to live unless she is clean and following the rules. I fully expect to follow through on that, I just simply won't live like that again. I will never stop loving her but I will not enable her. That is where you mom needs to get. Hugs to you and your mom on this mother's day. Hopefully this is the last mother's day will be the first day of a new life for you mom without chaos. Nancy [/QUOTE]
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