New to this site, seeking support from other tired parents...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Clementine, Feb 2, 2011.

  1. Clementine

    Clementine New Member

    My difficult child is an adult (in terms of age, but mentally he is not) and coming to live with us again, under the condition that he seeks treatment and has testing done (past therapists suggest ADHD, but I have a feeling there is more going on as well...)

    I am not looking forward to this, I must admit, I am very, very tired, I also have my own issues to struggle with, other children to take care of, but difficult child has completely exhausted just about every member of our extended family who have been willing to help.

    I am so glad that I found this site, because I feel so alone. For a while, I have felt that everyone else have perfect children, or if not perfect, then at least children who are functioning on some level and not just causing mayhem wherever they go. I guess it's because I just haven't talked to anyone who have had completely out-of-control young adult kids. But I really, really need support and advice...

    I will read on in the forums :)

    Thanks for being here.
  2. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Welcome Clementine.

    You are definitely not alone, and this forum has been a true sanity saver for many of us. So glad you found us, but sorry that you had to. Once you've had a chance to read the forums and get a bit more comfortable, please do tell us more about you and your difficult child. With the collective wisdom and experience of all the Warrior Parents on this site, I'm sure that we can provide advice, point you in the direction of local services, or just lend an ear while you vent.

    Since your difficult child is over 18 this is likely the right forum for you, but you might consider posting in General as well. It's a higher traffic area, so more people are likely to see you while you're still new and we're getting to know you. Also, please do check out the Watercooler. Sometimes it's nice to talk about non-difficult child things, and that's the place to do so.

    Welcome to our little corner. Many {{{{{hugs}}}}} to you.
  3. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Hi Clementine!

    Nope, you are definitely not alone. I'm starting to think that there are actually more difficult children out there than PCs, really. It's just levels on the spectrum, ya know?!

    You say he's been diagnosis'd ADHD - but you think there's more? Now admittedly, Jett is a bit younger, but I was convinced. And what do you know, I was (am) correct. Mommy gut instincts say a lot.

    How long has he been out of your home? And are you sure that your home is the right place? It likely depends on the diagnosis, of course. And his actual issues - because if there is one thing I've learned here, it's that diagnosis's rarely fit perfectly, and many of our kids have multiple issues...

    Welcome. I know there will be people with more info, but I wanted to say hello!
  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Welcome, Clementine. I agree with Step, if your mommy instincts are telling you it's more than ADHD, you're probably right. I've suspected for quite a while Miss KT had more going on than that, and the older she gets, the more Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) behaviors she demonstrates, so who knows what all is going on.
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Welcome to the board Clementine!

    Appearances can be deceiving. Odds are most of those "perfect" families, aren't even close. Many may have difficult child members.

    One of the biggest problems with having a difficult child child (or children) is that it can make you feel so isolated. Then you tend to doubt yourself and your parenting skills.

    You're no longer alone. Glad you found us. Welcome to the family.

  6. Clementine

    Clementine New Member

    Thank you so much for the welcoming words! :)

    StepTo2: no, I am not so sure that our house is the right place for him to be...and I don't think he will last for very long here either.

    My first step has been to get a psychiatrist for him (it's the one thing he's willing to do), but the psychiatrist won't 1) let me make the appointment, and 2) be willing to hear about anything to do with my difficult child's behavior or suspected issues, because he wants an "unbiased impression." Is this the usual procedure? My difficult child gave his last therapist (a social worker) the runaround. He is very charming and manipulative. I am a little worried because I doubt my difficult child will admit to having ODD or the like when he doesn't even see it in himself).

    Does anyone have any thoughts/recommendations on this?
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I understand your concerns with psychiatrist. And they are valid normal concerns of a parent of a difficult child.

    However I also understand where psychiatrist is coming from. I'm guessing he wants to make his own assessment based on what he sees with difficult child now, at this stage in his life. Most can weed through even the best manipulation. At least the good ones can. And he will probably request records from anyone else who has seen difficult child in the past.

    You can lead the horse to water, but you can't force it to drink. Same with difficult children. He can see the psychiatrist. But unless he admits there is a problem and is willing to work a treatment plan......he's probably going to be spinning his wheels until he does. That is one of the biggest hurdles there is. And only he can go over it. You can't do it for him.

    That is one of the hardest things to adjusting to parenting an adult child. There is no more fixing it for them. They are adults and have to make the decisions concerning their own lives, even if their horrible decisions.

    We as parents can only decide what we're willing to do and not to do for an adult child. Stinks, but that pretty much sums it up.

  8. Clementine

    Clementine New Member

    Thanks, Hound dog :)

    I know, I have such a hard time dealing with this situation of having an adult who acts like an adolescent...I have so much anxiety and am so afraid of "failing" (I can't think of a better term, although I know that's not the right one, because I've done everything I could do at the time, given what I knew).

    One day at a time, one thing at a time That's what I need to focus on.

    Thank you :)
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi, nice to meet you. It is hard to have that adult kid at home isnt it? I was lucky enough...if you could call it that, that my son always wanted me to go with him to all his psychiatrist appointments when he was actually still going to them. Most of his psychiatrists knew us both from long before he was 18 so it was nothing new. They probably relied on my input as much as his. Of course, I cant make his appointments for him anymore or he would be going! He still wants mommy to do everything for him as far as medical stuff is concerned...other stuff...he insists he is all grown up. Whatever. I just tell him whats what and dont listen anymore.

    After your son makes that first appointment with the psychiatrist he may ask the psychiatrist if you can attend with him. That should be perfectly fine. As long as your son is okay with it, there is no reason he cant bring in a parent. The doctor just cant contact you without that signed consent form. Once your son signs it, you all can talk whenever. I have actually signed consent forms allowing all my family members to talk with my psychiatrist and therapist should the need arise including my difficult child. You just never know what can happen in life.
  10. Clementine

    Clementine New Member

    Thank you, Dammit Janet! I appreciate all the advice I can get!

    He made the let's see what happens..

  11. AHF

    AHF Member

    I actually think you should be grateful that you're not going to the psychiatrist appointments. You can always vet the person to be sure you're not paying for a quack. After that, figure that they're professionals at this; they know what they're doing and how to read through a snow job. For many years, because my son refused to talk to psychologists, they would bring me into the sessions because my presence gave him a target and he would start hurling abuse, and then they would have something to talk about. But it was extraordinarily draining for me and I don't think it did him much good in the end. GL to you!