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Substance Abuse
Newbie...desperate mom with 20 yo addict...court tomorrow
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 578269" data-attributes="member: 15801"><p>Wakegirl - I so sympathize as I have been in your shoes (maybe slightly different shoes but I have walked the same path) and it is a very difficult and heart breaking path to be sure. So yes you have found a place where you will get a lot of real understanding and caring.</p><p></p><p>You may have read my story on this forum..... but the short version is my son (now 21) has been in and out of many treatment programs. He has spent two weeks in jail for continuing to break the law and finally the court had enough.... and yes the alternative to going longer to jail was rehab... which he did several different times. The last time was a great place but he eventually walked otu of the program with a girl.... I think realized his mistake and tried to go back but at that point it was too late, they would not take him without a 30 day residential treatment. So he travelled around for a while and eventually ended up in Denver (we live on the East Coast but he had been in treatment in CA). So he was homeless for 5 months and we had gotten to the point where we realized we absolutely could no longer rescue him, that we had to let him figure this out on his own and we let him be homeless. It was excruciating but also necessary as nothing else had worked. </p><p></p><p>In the last couple of years I have been going regularly to an alanon meeting for parents which has been a huge huge help and I highly recommend finding a similar group where you are. It was such a comfort to me to meet other nice good people who had kids in similar situations as I did... and in the process I learned not to enable him.</p><p></p><p>Finally about a month ago he had had enough and decided to go back to treatment and is there now. I have a friend who is an interventionist where he is and the plan is he will go to his sober house after his 30 days in residential. In the meantime he cannot come back to our state because of all the warrants for his arrest... he has a lot of work to do to clear all that up.</p><p></p><p>But it is his job to clear it up, not mine. I will say after being homeless, and whatever he went through he is no longer so entitled and even tells me he loves me back when I tell him I love him. I cant say we have a great relationship at this point but we have a relationship and he knows we love him and he is letting us know he loves us... that is huge progress.</p><p></p><p>So here are my thoughts, coming from my very direct experience.... and understand that I fully understand that you are also going through a process and it is a process to get to the point where you really let them fall and fall hard. </p><p></p><p>Don't pay any more court fees for him. It is your choice if you want to get him a lawyer (we have both done that, and not done that and I have contacted our lawyer to find out what he needs to do to eventually come back here). But the court fees should be for him to earn the money to pay or for him to do the community service. </p><p></p><p>The consequences the court gives may be just what he needs. I know two weeks in jail opened my sons eyes and he willingly went to rehab at that point to avoid more jail time. Of course he eventually got cocky and blew it all off but now is facing the fact that he will do jail time if eh comes back here without clearing things up. (Like paying his court costs and doing his community service). It absolutley broke my heart to see my son taken off to jail and although I felt it was necessary it was also one of my darkest moments... and got me to alanon. This past few months with him being homeless, I was in a much better place because I have come to some acceptance of the situation BUT I was fully aware I would rather have him in jail than literally on the streets (in winter no less). </p><p></p><p>I have come to believe a couple of things about rehab... first for some people it takes more than one stint in rehab to get what they need. Clearly the best situation is when some one really wants recovery, but I think time in rehab can still be beneficial... my son when he decided to go back into treatment at least knew what that meant, and this time also realized it was a whole lot better than being in on the street. </p><p></p><p>I have become a bit cynical about rehab as well.... and have come to feel that much more depends on the person than where or how they are getting treatment. Certainly there are better places than others... but my son has been at some very good places and relapsed.... he is now at the cheapest option as we are not willing any longer to invest in expensive treatment. So my recommendation is not to spend a lot of your resources on rehab... let him go where the court sends him.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there....go to court tomorrow if you want to, but you also dont have to. Think about what is going to be good for you.... at this point you need to think about what is right for you and the rest of your family.</p><p></p><p>It does your son no good at all to think he can live at home, breaking all of your (very reasonable) requests and rules. He does that out in the world and he will end up in prison.... we have that issue with my son. He either is going to figure it out or he will end up in prison.</p><p></p><p>I know his attitude and seeming hatred of you is very hard to bear as his mother.... just know this is the drug use talking and not necessarily real or long lasting. It may very well change as he gets help for himself. My sons attitude towards me has changed a lot... I understand the hurt of it, but it is a time to stay strong and to remember you have a long history and that will count for something eventually.</p><p></p><p>TL</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 578269, member: 15801"] Wakegirl - I so sympathize as I have been in your shoes (maybe slightly different shoes but I have walked the same path) and it is a very difficult and heart breaking path to be sure. So yes you have found a place where you will get a lot of real understanding and caring. You may have read my story on this forum..... but the short version is my son (now 21) has been in and out of many treatment programs. He has spent two weeks in jail for continuing to break the law and finally the court had enough.... and yes the alternative to going longer to jail was rehab... which he did several different times. The last time was a great place but he eventually walked otu of the program with a girl.... I think realized his mistake and tried to go back but at that point it was too late, they would not take him without a 30 day residential treatment. So he travelled around for a while and eventually ended up in Denver (we live on the East Coast but he had been in treatment in CA). So he was homeless for 5 months and we had gotten to the point where we realized we absolutely could no longer rescue him, that we had to let him figure this out on his own and we let him be homeless. It was excruciating but also necessary as nothing else had worked. In the last couple of years I have been going regularly to an alanon meeting for parents which has been a huge huge help and I highly recommend finding a similar group where you are. It was such a comfort to me to meet other nice good people who had kids in similar situations as I did... and in the process I learned not to enable him. Finally about a month ago he had had enough and decided to go back to treatment and is there now. I have a friend who is an interventionist where he is and the plan is he will go to his sober house after his 30 days in residential. In the meantime he cannot come back to our state because of all the warrants for his arrest... he has a lot of work to do to clear all that up. But it is his job to clear it up, not mine. I will say after being homeless, and whatever he went through he is no longer so entitled and even tells me he loves me back when I tell him I love him. I cant say we have a great relationship at this point but we have a relationship and he knows we love him and he is letting us know he loves us... that is huge progress. So here are my thoughts, coming from my very direct experience.... and understand that I fully understand that you are also going through a process and it is a process to get to the point where you really let them fall and fall hard. Don't pay any more court fees for him. It is your choice if you want to get him a lawyer (we have both done that, and not done that and I have contacted our lawyer to find out what he needs to do to eventually come back here). But the court fees should be for him to earn the money to pay or for him to do the community service. The consequences the court gives may be just what he needs. I know two weeks in jail opened my sons eyes and he willingly went to rehab at that point to avoid more jail time. Of course he eventually got cocky and blew it all off but now is facing the fact that he will do jail time if eh comes back here without clearing things up. (Like paying his court costs and doing his community service). It absolutley broke my heart to see my son taken off to jail and although I felt it was necessary it was also one of my darkest moments... and got me to alanon. This past few months with him being homeless, I was in a much better place because I have come to some acceptance of the situation BUT I was fully aware I would rather have him in jail than literally on the streets (in winter no less). I have come to believe a couple of things about rehab... first for some people it takes more than one stint in rehab to get what they need. Clearly the best situation is when some one really wants recovery, but I think time in rehab can still be beneficial... my son when he decided to go back into treatment at least knew what that meant, and this time also realized it was a whole lot better than being in on the street. I have become a bit cynical about rehab as well.... and have come to feel that much more depends on the person than where or how they are getting treatment. Certainly there are better places than others... but my son has been at some very good places and relapsed.... he is now at the cheapest option as we are not willing any longer to invest in expensive treatment. So my recommendation is not to spend a lot of your resources on rehab... let him go where the court sends him. Hang in there....go to court tomorrow if you want to, but you also dont have to. Think about what is going to be good for you.... at this point you need to think about what is right for you and the rest of your family. It does your son no good at all to think he can live at home, breaking all of your (very reasonable) requests and rules. He does that out in the world and he will end up in prison.... we have that issue with my son. He either is going to figure it out or he will end up in prison. I know his attitude and seeming hatred of you is very hard to bear as his mother.... just know this is the drug use talking and not necessarily real or long lasting. It may very well change as he gets help for himself. My sons attitude towards me has changed a lot... I understand the hurt of it, but it is a time to stay strong and to remember you have a long history and that will count for something eventually. TL [/QUOTE]
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Newbie...desperate mom with 20 yo addict...court tomorrow
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